Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Rendering of Anne


A Simulation of Anne

For those who want to know what I look like.

Please note:

The flattened Dr. O face.

(Note the lack of brow ridges and plainly artificial nose)

Artificially Red Hair

Lack of a tan.

Bizarre Socks.

I have no idea where to even LOOK for bloomers.

Okay, I wouldn't wear a dress like that but you get the idea.

Obligatory....

Grocery Store Sushi
Diet Vanilla Coke

Someday, my Prince wil.....never mind

My Mother is full of advice.

Some of it is wanted - some not. We have age old arguments ("You aren't going to wear THAT, are you?") and she passes along wisdom. Quite a bit of the wisdom is passed on because of what she has perceived from the media and has projected onto me.

One thing in particular has struck me.

"Being a woman is not about being weak. It is about being strong."

She has met some transitioners that have fallen into the stereotype trap. They lapse into exaggerated prissy personalities and emotional frailty.

Why do they equate being a woman with being helpless?

Mom stayed with me both through FFS and SRS. She sat by my side, guarded me, and nursed me to strength. When I mention that my friend so-and-so was really moaning in pain at one of the post-op procedures she states that "So and So needs to toughen up." Sure enough, the procedure when I went through it, wasn't all that bad.

"Cry if you need to not because you are supposed to."

I don't know how many transitioners are waiting for someone to rescue them. Are they passively waiting to be led? I don't see this with many transitioners that I know but I do see it occasionally. Transitioners who, when they tried to live as men, led corporations or their troops into battle, who took apart jet engines (and put them back together). These same people now look befuddled when they go to get their oil changed or no longer know how to fix a leaky toilet.

Bullshit.

You know what to do so do it!

I was never that great with cars but my father taught me what the parts did and I helped repair it from time to time. I do not get ripped off at the repair shot. My father, however, looks very enlightened for teaching his daughter these things.

Now, there is a difference between doing what needs to be done, waiting to be rescued, and stepping back. Doing what needs to be done is when there is no one else to do something. Waiting to be rescued means waiting for someone else to do it and refusing to do it yourself. And stepping back means that someone is there, helping you, and you don't try to take over for them.

I'm not perfect. I have called the roadside assitance to get my tire changed when I am perfectly able to do it myself. But isn't that what I paid the insurance company for? There are times when I step back. When someone tries to fix something for you, sometimes it is better to just let them. It doesn't mean that I don't know how to do it, but why step on their ego? (Yes, I do let men help me rack the weights at the gym if they offer. Acceptance of assistance, freely offered, is no shame).

But feigning incompetence is insulting to other women in general. It is like you are saying "Oh, I am a woman now, so now I have to be stupid and unskilled."

Grrrrr...transitioners who do that really should get a clue.

Suck it up and be a woman about it. Be strong.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

It this thing on? Testing.....TESTING! This is a test of the Emerge.....

The conversation usually goes like this....

Me: "I've always known that I am female."

Them: "How?"

Me: "I just....knew."

Them: "How does that make sense? How do you KNOW what being female inside feels like?"

So we delve into the philosophical debate. How can I know that I feel like something when I can't experience another's feelings?

Usually this argument comes from someone who is Natal Female and usually it is said to prove how delusional I am.

So, the standard argument continues...

Me: "How do you know that you are female?"

Them: "I don't think about it. I don't think about myself as any gender. I am just...me."

Me: "How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow in the body of a man?"

Them: "I don't think it would be that big of a deal. I would just deal with it."

The argument usually goes around and around with nobody really changing their position.

What it comes down to is that no one can really compare their feelings to those of another. You can never really know how they feel.

So, here is another explanation. It has to do with how a Crystal Radio works.

Resonance.

Yep, here goes another one of Anne's wild tangents.

Bear with me.

Crystals, dependent on their size, will react at a certain frequency. Think about the wine glass trick. Take a crystal wine glass and moisten your finger. Hold the glass by its stem and gently rub your finger around the rim of the glass. If you use the right amount of pressure the glass will create sound, building up a pure tone. That is resonance, the innate tone of the crystal. This is also how shattering a glass with just your voice comes about (although volume has something to do with that as well).

The old crystal radio sets had crystals inside. Out there somewhere, someone was broadcasting a radio program on a specific frequency. When you apply power to the radio, if the resonance of the crystals that are being used in your radio come close to the frequency of the program being broadcast then voila, the program can be heard.

If the radio is nowhere near the same frequency as the program, you hear nothing.

So, here is the comparison.

When people are in harmony with their gender, their resonance is the same as the program. There is constant feedback that this is right, everything is fine. The thing is, if you heard the same thing all your life, you tend to ignore it. You can't hear it. It is that comforting background noise that is always there. It is innate - a given.

You have never heard its lack so you can't even conceive of it not being there. You have no need to describe it and people who try seem...well....crazy.

So then the Transsexual comes bopping along. We know about the signal, we know it is supposed to be there but we can't hear it. What we do know is what frequency we are supposed to tune into, what our radio resonates at.

We just want to move the radio to where there is a clear signal.

We want to resonate.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Fall Far From the Tree

Parents are a funny breed. At least mine are.

I had to come out to them over the phone. They were several states away and stood a really good chance of hearing the news from other sources. So, I wrote my note and read it to them on the phone.

They were a bit stunned (to say the least).

Then they had thought I had come up with a diabolical way to get out of a bad marriage.

Then they wanted me to put everything off for 10 years or so (just to make sure).

Then they wanted to fight me on this (it was my therapists fault, apparently).

Finally, they saw that I was happy. They move to grudging acceptance.

They've been great. I couldn't hope for better.

I often think of how I would feel if they hadn't challenged my transition.

I wouldn't have liked it.

Think about it. "You are going to do WHAT? Oh, okay."

They challenge because they care and when the challenge is done, they accepted the results.

I think early on in my transition we all made a choice - we were going to remain a family. I s'pose it could have gone the other way - but it didn't.

So now we are making up for lost time. When I visit them and then go out with friends, they wait up for me! Mom complains about my clothes, she wants me to dress more like I am 30 years older and 60 pounds heavier.

They know I date but we don't talk about it all that much. Our agreement is that before I bring someone home to meet them, that the person is informed of my history. With casual relationships that is debatable but romantic ones? They have to know.

They get the pronouns right most of the time. For a while they referred to me as two people - the son they used to have and the daughter they have now. So, instead of two kids, they had three. That got confusing and now they no longer refer to my twisted doppleganger.

I have many of the same chores when I go home. Right away Dad puts in a request for baking - everything is already on the counter waiting for me. Just like when I grew up, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen with Mom.

Mom and I sort through family history and let's me pick through the Grandmothers' jewelry. I get some of it if it means something to me but much of it remains with her (as it should be).

My brother and I do computer projects in the house and play video games. We always watch movies and I mock their addiction to CSI (though I do enjoy them once in a while).

We go on walks. We have occasional battles - none of which is related to transition. Dad lectures me on my finances.

We go to the Indian casinos and gamble.

After this whole transition, what is really amazing is not how much things have changed but how they remained the same.

Just....

A little bit of an update. My voice is almost completely back (a little raspy still and I occasionally cough up jellyfish).

I am down 15 pounds at Weight Watchers (heck, 15 pounds even when I am NOT at Weight Watchers). My clothes are starting to fit again.

I have resumed my social life (yes, that means dating again).

Currently I am reading A Handmaids Tale - Margaret Atwood. (Wow! More on that later.)

I was coasting for a bit but now I am getting that something is impending vibe again (this is a good thing).

I am looking forward to the rest of the year (Science Fiction movie-wise). And I am really looking forward to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Life ain't bad.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Doppler Vision

It's funny how our self image colors how we view the people around us.

Let's say you walk in a grocery store (to pick up things for lunch). As you walk in, you notice several of the men right inside the entrance turn to look at you. A few of the women turn as well.

So, why are they looking?

Option 1:
You are particularly striking today. I mean you look HOT. They are checking you out.

Option 2:
You resemble Herman Munster today. Herman on a bad hair day. They are gawking.

Option 3:
Everyone right inside the door is waiting for the woman right behind you. She will be surprised when the 'What Not to Wear' crew jump out at her. Get out of the way.

Option 4:
Someone is robbing the store and they are wondering if you are with the robber or are telling you to run (without being overt about it).

Option 5:
You accidentally forgot to put on clothes today. I KNEW it was a little breezy! And the car seat was particularly painful after it baked in the sun.

Option 6:
They only see movement.

Seriously, #1 or #2 are what many default to. It depends on how you feel about yourself that day and really, it may be none of the above. The thing is, it is important to live your life and try not to worry about it too much.

You can only hold people accountable for what they say or do - not what they think. Appreciate courtesy when offered. Do not borrow worry.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Why did you wait so #$%@ long???

Why did I wait so long to transition?

It was apparent to me that I would transition as soon as I knew it was possible. This was back in the pre-internet days. When I was 9, I ransacked the library for everything I could find: Encyclopedias, Biographies, Medical Journals - ANYTHING. I knew I was in the wrong skin, I just didn't know what I could do about it.

My story seems so generic. Growing up, I got teased a lot for spending recess with the girls. I built up a defensive shell. I just wanted to live my life. I learned that expressing that aspect of myself was BAD. I threw myself into academia, I had a vivid imagination. I wrote.

I wanted to spend time with my friends, so what did I do? I dated them. I don't think they were ever really 'dates', it always felt more like hanging out with a really close girlfriend.

I wanted to create. To make something out of nothing. I composed music, played multiple instruments, sang in choir, wrote stories, I cooked our family meals when Mom was tired. I don't know what it is about the essence of creation but it is something that is still with me today.

Still, I knew that expressing my need to transition was BAD. Just put it off until you are on your own, I would say. Then you can disappear and do it. No one will be hurt by it then.

Survival was the key. I saw the beatings that people got when they expressed anything perceived as close to what I was. I blended in.

I often say that I took the Jane Goodall approach the males. I could emulate them. I could predict their behavior. But I was never really one of them. I learned how to make them ignore me enough not to hurt me.

I found God. God, I inferred, was very explicit - Transitioning is wrong! He can cure me! Of course the cure I wanted was to make my body match my soul and not the other way around. But still, I tried. Still, I had plenty of women friends.

I was in college. I got married (God wanted me to). I told her about my issues before we got married. Together we would get me past it.

Certain things are expected when you are a married man.

Big problem. I wasn't attracted to women. Performance was an issue. I did my best.

One of my big problems is that I am very stubborn. I knew early on in our marriage that it was not going to cure me. Like I said - stubborn.

I took on a macho-esque job. There were many factors involved. One was to burn this need out of me. Tough it out! Be a Man! Another was simply to support my spouse (like I said earlier - stubborn).

It didn't work. I was successful, I got the job done. But my leadership style was not like any of the men's. That had two effects. I was successful with my people and they were very successful and I was looked at funny by my seniors.

The need never went away. It was getting worse. My spouse knew it - I knew it.

I knew I would transition - soon. In my 20's I started taking hormones (Do it Yourself). I knew if I wanted any decent effect, I would have to start before I was 30. I didn't tell my spouse.

Eventually, we divorced. It was relatively amicable but we have since grown apart. When the divorce papers were filed, I started my transition in earnest.

Why did I wait? (that was the original question)

I didn't want to hurt people.
I wanted to survive.
I had included other people in this - people I cared about.
I thought God would cure me.
I thought taking the 'guy' job would cure me.
I thought being married would cure me.
I was afraid.

So basically it was shame, fear of hurting others, fear of how my life would be, belief that this was BAD.

They seemed like good reasons at the time.

Star Trek XXXVII - So Very Tired

I

NEED

SLEEP


@^$$#! Allergies!

You know that feeling....

when you've been driving for quite a while and you shut the engine off? The silence permeates every cell in your body.

I really love that feeling.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Finding the Center

The meme the other day got me thinking about centering.

Yes, I mean the new-agey type of centering. Returning your being to a place that is known so you can expand from there.

My first exposure to this was from a wonderful workshop that I went to back in music school. It was called A Soprano on Her Head (also a book) and this tiny little woman Eloise Ristaad ran it. Anyway, the seminar hit on quite a bit of stuff but what I got out of it is the fact that we know how to do much of what we want to do, we just get in our own way. Some of the results she got from us were nothing short of remarkable. I ascribe the results more to psychological phenomena rather than spiritual but I expanded my reading list quite a bit.

The Centered Skier
Inner Game of Tennis
Tao of Pooh
Inner Game of Music

I find these books inspiring to this day.

Anyway, back to centering. The meme got me thinking of what I use to re-find the calm in my life. What simple things make me smile and just say "Wow, the world is okay."

It's a pretty straightforward list.

Improvising on the piano (I am not much of a keyboard player).
Walking at night under a clear starry sky. The constellations - Wow.
Trumpet Concerto - Artunian.
Firebird Suite - Stravinski.
Cooking a meal with my family (a cool kind of chaos).
Getting away from it all. Hiking away from civilization.
The books of my youth.

How about any of y'all?

Hey Chuck!

The throat problem from last week has now partially migrated to my chest.

I now sound remarkably like Peppermint Patty (at least I don't sound like on of the Peanuts Grownups).


Sunday, May 22, 2005

Hadn't tried this before

I hadn't done a meme before. But Alice sent me an assignment and I suppose I would get a lower grade if I didn't do it.

So here goes:

Total Volume Of Music On My Computer:
9.06 Gb. That is what is on my Hard Drive at the moment. A good chunk of those I ripped from Albums (LP's, Vinyl, Those Black Thingies that don't look like they would fit in a CD player). Quite a bit of my music was never released on CD so this was my only option.

It took FOREVER to do.

The Last CD I Bought:

Bowling for Soup: A Hangover You Don't Deserve. Yes, I bought it for one song: 1985 but quite a few of the other songs are definitely worth the purchase as well.

Song Playing Right Now:
Kelly Clarkson: Since U Been Gone. The funny thing is, I don't even WATCH American Idol. I just like some of her stuff.

5 songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Warning, weird list coming up!
Allen Vizutti: Aries Eyes. Is a Rock/Jazz fusion ballad. Allen Vizutti is a trumpet player, an INCREDIBLE trumpet player. Back when I was in school, the trumpet players to emulate (style/skill wise) were Wynton Marsalis, Allen Vizutti and the obscure Timofei Dokshitzer (don't try to pronounce the name, you may giggle).
Bachelor Girl: Busses and Trains. This group never really made it big in the states. They are Australian. The gist of it is a girl exhorting her mother for not warning her about men.
"They're like chocolate cake - like cigarettes. I know they are bad for me but I just can't leave 'em alone."

The Andrews Sisters: Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree (With Anyone Else But Me). I love the music of the 40', I cannot explain why. I think it brings me back to my 'happy place'. But this song is special for a reason and (surprise, surprise) it relates to transition. Before I had my voice to a usable place, I could still do a decent version of Andrews Sisters songs. I used this song whenever I wanted to find the right notch for my voice. I don;t know why it worked, it just did.
Bobby McFerrin: I Feel Good. I know he didn't write it. But listening to it makes me smile. My friends and I were fans of his well before Don't Worry, Be Happy became a hit (and subsequently mocked).
Five For Fighting: Superman. (Hey, I know my list is mockable, we didn't even get INTO The Twangbabies). I don't know why, maybe it is just because it demonstrates that no matter where we are in life and who we are, we always have insecurities and something to fight through.

5 people to whom I'm passing the baton:
That will be hard, since I think only 3 people read this and one of them sent this.
Alexandra, Tamsin, Amy (not sure if she reads this or not), Gwen, Lisa.

And....begin.

Hey, if anyone is out there, leave a comment. Okay? I'd like to know who is reading this.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Hello Children!

Maybe the singing wasn't such a good idea.

I woke up this morning with the mother of all achy throats. Maybe it was post-nasal drip (gross, sorry). The last time I felt this, I was stuck sounding like Chef from Southpark. I had to have 'laryngitis' for two days while I recovered.

Not fun.

I have friends coming to town this weekend. Yay!

Oh, and for those watching the WW score? I gained a pound this week.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

From the Diaphragm?

During my commute for the last two days, I have found myself singing.

I have a significant vocal range. Luckily when speaking, my voice defaults to the upper end. (No, I do not believe I sound like Mickey Mouse).

Back to the singing.

I am a trained musician. That means I went through an entire spectrum of musical training: History, Theory, Composition, Pedagogy, Conducting....and Voice.

Needless to say, I was not trained in the Alto range. At the time, my centerpoint was at the cusp of Tenor/Bass.

I was good. (not in 'The Angels Wept' good, but more of a 'Say, that's a pleasant voice' good)

I love singing. Like I said, I have a moderately female voice in the Alto range but I don't have much in the way of depth or projection.

I've been singing the stuff I learned in college. You know, baritone stuff.

It feels good. Also, it feels guilty.

I hate that. I shouldn't feel guilty for THAT. I can't do it in front of people, the disparity of visuals to sound is too great.

Sigh.

The other problem is that my regular voice gets scratchy and strained from doing it.

I really should stop. Shouldn't I?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Lifestyle?

What, precisely, is a Transgender lifestyle?

I'm pretty sure I understand what they mean by Transgender, but what is a Lifestyle?

Time for dictionary.com….

lifestyle or life-style or life style n.
A way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group.


A way of life that reflects attitudes and values? Okay, that is fair. A compassionate lifestyle is how someone lives if they are compassionate. A Plumbers lifestyle is how someone lives if they were a plumber.


A woman's lifestyle is how someone lives if they are a woman?

That one seems a little strange. The category is too vague to really hold any meaning. People are diverse (I know, diverse is one of those EVIL words). What I mean is, people are too complex to categorize with such narrow categories.


If a lifestyle is the way of life that REFLECTS on attitudes or values then if the way of life is identical, then aren't they reflecting the same thing?


I suppose a lifestyle is defined by the things you do based on those attitudes and values.
Let me pick apart my regular day and see if it reflects in any resonating way.

  • I wake up.
  • ShowerCook and Eat Breakfast. (Empty the dishwasher if necessary).
  • Watch the morning news while I dress and get ready for work.
  • Check my email.
  • Commute to work.
  • Do my job.
  • Commute home.
  • Stop at grocery store for food for dinner.
  • Get in the door, kick off shoes and clean the kitchen a bit (The dishwasher was EMPTY people, why do you put your dishes in the SINK?)
  • Put on comfier clothes.
  • Fix dinner.
  • Go to school or the gym or watch some TV.
  • Cuddle with the cat.
  • Check email again.
  • Sleep.
  • Repeat.


THAT is the nefarious lifestyle that is the end of all humanity? Except maybe for minor variations, how is it different from millions of other women who HAVEN'T transitioned? Is this the grand LIFESTYLE that is corrupting children?


Am I recruiting your children? Good Lord, no. I do not wish this on anyone. Do I want children to treat transitioners with respect? Good Lord, YES!


I can't speak about everyone who lives under the large umbrella of Transgender. Personally, I just want to live my life in peace. Without my rights being changed on the whim of whomever is in charge at the moment. I don't want to be disregarded because of the medical 'quirk' that caused me to be like this and I don't want to be punished for it

A Decision?

"It was so wonderful that you decided to do this."

"What a brave choice."

My knee-jerk reaction is to reply that there was not a choice involved.

THIS is how I am. How could I NOT transition? What I have done to my body only makes it reflect who I am in a better way.

Not to say that there isn't awkwardness. When I made the earlier choice, the CHOICE to try and live my life as male I absorbed a lot. Like Jane Goodall, I lived among men and I learned to mimic their ways. I don't think I ever truly understood them but I could often predict their behavior.

Is it brave to transition? On many levels, sure. Especially at the beginning you are exposing yourself to derision, loss of friends, loss of family, and a level of uncertainty for your future that is pretty much terrifying.

I think it is the brave ones that DON'T.

The ones who don't and survive.

Think about it. You try and try to do what people expect of you. You try to live a normal male life. God help you, you get married and start a family. Don't get me wrong on this next part. A family is a wonderful thing and there are great, fantastic, loving moments even if you, in general, are miserable with yourself.

So what is worse? Giving up your identity to try and be normal (whatever that is), being miserable and lashing out at those that love you? Or is running the risk of losing everyone you love in pursuit of wholeness somehow worse?

It is a rare case where either scenario comes out totally winnable.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Social Cowardice

Okay, I am EVIL.

Fine.

Got it.

Check.

The question is…why do I believe in assimilation? Why do I not reveal my 'function'? Why do I avoid the 'Transgender Woman' label?

From one group it is considered cowardice from another it is deceit.

Cowardice, I suppose, is the sin that I will own up to. That's the easy answer anyway. I fear violence. I fear rejection. I fear harassment.

I fear being alone.

Ah, that's the big one – alone. Often, the people that tell me I should be out are the transitioners who are NOT alone. For the most part, they remain in committed relationships with special women in their lives. I think it is wonderful that they have someone. They are truly blessed.

So, what am I worrying about? I mean, I have some wonderful folks in my life. I have great friends who have accepted me. I can't think of the last time that I had a negative reaction to my transition (it's back there, somewhere).

I suppose it has to do with whom I am interested in romantically. You see, I like men.

Men are funny creatures. They say women rely on their social structures heavily. Well, men do too.

They vie for their placement within their community of men. A social faux pas and their status is lost.


(Unless I insert a caveat here, I will get into trouble for seeming homophobic.
When it comes to who I am attracted to, sexual orientation does not play into
it. I am attracted to relatively masculine men who are confident in themselves.
The point is, gay men are not interested in me romantically, I don't have the
right equipment and, quite frankly, they aren't into women. Now back to the
sentence that could have been inflammatory).

A major social faux pas for straight men is appearing to be dating/attracted to/in love with another man. The stigma against this is strong. So strong, in fact, that the fear of falling into this social death will override any actual attraction they have towards someone.

That is what I am up against. I have to get beyond that social barrier so they can see the truth. To do that, I don't reveal myself up front. Because we aren't dealing with that social barrier, we have a chance to get to know each other first, before the wall has to be breached.

Basically, I want him to know me before he has to deal with my 'function'. I believe that if I deal with things in that order, he has a chance at making an informed choice.

Maybe someday it won't matter. I pray that it will someday be that way. I don't see it happening soon. In the meantime, this is how I am dealing with it.

So, I suppose that means I am evil - A social coward.

I'm in a closet, but the door isn't latched.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

We are...

I thought this said a lot.

Used with permission of the author:

We are everywhere. I try to tell people that, but they don’t seem to believe me.

At the beginning of our journeys people see where you came from. In many ways, people tend to see where you were more than where you are. In another year, you will be even further on that journey - will they notice then?

We are Doctors and Lawyers and Programmers.

We are that woman at the gym, the woman in the grocery store.

People see the extreme examples; people beginning their journey; people who aren’t even on the journey. From this small sampling they think they know us all.

They don’t.

We are the mothers dropping kids off at school. We are your brothers’ girlfriend.

Not all of us are tall. Not all of us go to wild clubs. Not every one of us could have played football in school.

If you knew us ‘before’ you may not have thought we were gay. Or maybe you did.

We are writers and poets, drummers and speakers, dreamers and engineers.

We are not an invading force.

We don’t all know each other.

We are not after your children. There is no recruitment effort.

We are teachers.

We did not make a choice; this is not an affectation. This is not for ‘kicks’.

Not a third sex - Not a eunuch.

We have desires like anyone else: health, companionship, community, security, wholeness.

We have self worth. We have insecurities.

We want to be ourselves and be accepted as ourselves.

We are everywhere, really.

But, above all else...

We just are

Friday, May 13, 2005

As it was in the beginning......

I wrote this post once already (Blogger died when I tried to post – aargh).

I s'pose it is time for another political rant. It is amazing that the horse is not yet dead from all the beating but the subject is the National ID.

I know, good Lord, not again.

There are two aspects to the ID that stir up the most controversy: Immigration and Privacy. I don't want to get into the immigration argument. I know people have their reasons for wanting it either way when regarding immigration. Personally, I don't know why we would legally recognize someone who is in our country illegally.

Okay, privacy it is then.

When applying for your Real ID brand Drivers License you need to produce documentation: Proof of Citizenship, Birth Certificate, Proof of Address, etc. These documents are taken by your friendly Real ID brand DMV and scanned permanently into the database. Ominous word there – permanently.

Let's consider one of those documents, the Birth Certificate. You Mother, heavy with child, enters the Hospital (I understand that people are born other places than hospitals but lets keep this simple) where she is greeted by her friendly Physician, a fleet of Nursing Staff and the machine that goes 'ping'. After the jovial act of childbirth, you have entered this world now devoid of a constantly connected life-support system (aka 'Mom').

The paperwork begins.

The hospital fills out this little form that has your Name, Gender, Parents Names, Doctors Name, Place of Birth, footprint, a blood sample, audio bites, etc. You now legally exist. This little piece of paper is the basis for each identifying piece of paper that follows.

So, what if you need to change it? Birth Certificates are changed all the time. When children are adopted, for instance, the adoptive parents are often listed as parents on the Birth Certificate.

But what if you need it changed later? Some of us are lucky, we come from places that allow the BC to be changed and the work is already done. But what if I tried to do it after my Real ID license. Scan it in? There is already something there. Must be fraud, right? The system has two choices: Replace the BC scan or add an additional one. Replacing it is limited in effectiveness. Databases get backed up so somewhere, that original document is still tied to you. Add an additional one? Why don't you just tattoo Transsexual on your forehead? Out of the two, the replacement option is better, but it isn't perfect.

Some states do not allow updates of gender on BC's. The basic thought is

"You are forever marked by the chromosomes we assume you have but don't really want to check."

Some states do not allow updates even on the Drivers License. So, if you have this grand system of standardization, which set of rules do you take?

Do you make some states relax their standards? Or do you impose greater restrictions on the lax states? My guess is that the stricter standards will prevail.

Enough whining, Anne. How would you fix it?

I don't think it can be stopped completely. Enough groups are raising concerns (I even think the NRA will chime in). The best we can hope for is to get our concerns in early and into the INITIAL DESIGN OF THE SYSTEM.

Perfect world? Supplant the original data with the new data. Update all backups to reflect this. Allow the gender marker to be updated. No 'Gender Change' flag on the system. The old life is erased, the new is all that exists.

That ain't gonna happen.

Next best? Find out who is designing this system and GET INVOLVED. Design the system with these concerns in mind. Allow the overwrite of data and allow for the backups to exist unaltered.

Add a transaction tracking system for any delving into the data beyond simple identity verification. Enforce HIPAA standards on BC (medical record privacy) info that is in the system. Enforce harsh punishments for invasion into private data. The supporting documents are there, take that part for granted if the card exists and the ID matches the body, DO NOT LET ANYONE SEE THEM UNLESS VERY, VERY NECESSARY or explicit permission is given.

Do not allow a designation field for 'Changed Gender' to exist.

Politically, transitioners are very weak. We don't have a lot of pull. We are the token sacrifice. But if we can nudge things in a better direction at the beginning, we have a chance of surviving this with some of our privacy intact.

And for my 3 readers, thank for listening to my tirade.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Babblings on Acting

For the final time of the semester, we did our Monologues in class.

Mine went pretty well (I got an 'A') but, then again, I am not doing this for a grade. I got to thinking of where I started at the beginning of the Semester. I have done this particular Monologue 3 times in front of the class.

The first time was the read-through. I was one of the early ones so he was a bit easy on me. Still, I wish I had prepared more early on. Some phrases seemed awkward and my reading was quite dry. Sometimes I find it amazing how much inflection and gestures actually add to the performance.

So, I worked on it. I went and saw the teacher. We met as a group at my house on the weekend and we ran through it with each other. The words started to lose their meaning. They were starting to become just phonetics.

I played with it. My roommates got sick of it. I tried taking it to extremes. Bizarrely enough, I started to connect with it more when I tried it with different accents.

I then kicked myself (harder to do than it sounds). "Anne, you are a trained MUSICIAN. Use what you know!"

I looked at it again, this time through the lens of musical composition. The through-lines of a ballad seemed to fit best. Build up - Back off - Build up more - Back off - Climax - Resolution. That clicked with me.

The first performance went pretty well. The music concept, while it was working, still hadn't quite sunk in.

Focus. On some of our out-of-class rehearsals it seemed to some of the others that I would drift in and out of focus. Sometimes it worked great, other times I got, for lack of a better term, fuzzy. Before this class, I imagined that acting was:

Learn the lines.
Learn the movements.
Get into character.
Perform.

What I didn't understand was the level of focus and energy that acting takes. Keeping the focus is an act of will. Maybe it is like a muscle and it gets easier to do over time. I'm doubting that.

When I was in college, I had a professor (who was kind of a mentor) who told me that "Music is in the space between the notes." Sometimes you have to say something and then give it a chance to sink in. When I first started this, the whole thing would come out in even sentences, like a 4th grader reading a report. They were evenly measured and calculated. There were no gaps. The pacing was constant. But people blurt things out. Sometimes it takes a while to get what you want to say out. Some....times......they....speak....through...clenched...teeth.

That and I want to RUSH. The music connection helps me to slow things back down.

Anyway, I think pacing and timing were an epiphany for me.

Don't get me wrong, my acting is still VERY rough. I won't be getting any parts in plays any time soon. Heck, combine everything I am trying to learn with certain vocal challenges, and the whole thing still seems insurmountable.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

WW Update (week 2)

I realized that I didn't make my Weight Watchers announcement for the week....

13 pounds so far! (Yay!)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The Three P's

After Ellen has posted an interesting article on how television (specifically CSI) deals with the GLBT community:

"Despite the fact that Ann Donahue, one of CSI’s executive producers, is openly
lesbian, the popular CBS crime drama's track record on LGBT characters has
significant room for improvement. CSI still routinely depicts LGBT characters
driven to kill due to their sexuality: they are desperate to hide their sexual
orientation, psychotically jealous of their lovers, or criminally insane due to
gender dysphoria.
These representations call to mind the negative
stereotypes that pervaded crime dramas in the 1970s and 1980s, when criminals
who were gay killed because of their sexuality."


I find it very disheartening that we are constantly related only as Prostitutes, Psychotics or Punchlines. The silly part is, when they do try to portray us normally (Max Bickford for example), the Family Values folks complain and threaten boycots. They DEMAND that we are portrayed badly.

I don't think I am as evil as they say. Maybe that's just the voices in my head talking.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Three Days, Chock Full

It was a relatively busy weekend.

First there was an event in 'The City' (to those outside the SF Bay area, 'The City' means San Francisco). I don't usually attend GLBT events but I have been avoiding doing anything social with the folks in my companies GLBT association and it seemed like a good idea. I participate in the Council of our organization but only under the caveat that my name not be used (I don't want to get Googled). We have accomplished quite a bit this year and I feel I owe their support some loyalty. Besides, all of them are really cool people and I would hang out with them anyway.

So, I went to the dinner accompanied by a close friend who also avoids GLBT events. It was good to see him getting out and being social (I worry about him sometimes).

We stayed in 'The City' til quite late and I only nearly killed us 3 times driving home drowsy.

On Saturday, I talked a friend into seeing 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy'. She wasn't all that keen on it going into it but she really enjoyed it after it started. Another friend of mine came over that afternoon and we talked until Midnight.

Sunday, I barely got out of my pajamas. I did actually make myself a little more presentable in the afternoon when a girl from my Drama class came over and we rehearsed the scene that I totally tanked on last week (it is going much better now).

Back on the Friday night subject. At my employer a fairly highly placed person began her RLT a few weeks ago. She is full of energy and really wants to get some things done. Eventually, I will be shifting the load to her and I can work on just fading away again.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

And.....FREEZE!

Check out this link (Flash required)is it a whole face Botox issue?

Actually, it could be that she had a problem of looking bad in previous pictures so she figured out something that worked AND STUCK WITH IT RELIGIOUSLY.

Personally, I look stoned in most pictures (or half narcoleptic).

Anyway, this is strangely disturbing.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Scary Political Stuff

Senate Bill 51 and House Bill 356 (Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act of 2005) has lots of scary bits to it. One is a simple definition that, if passed could be applied to other laws.

(6) WOMAN- The term `woman' means a female human being who is capable of
becoming pregnant, whether or not she has reached the age of majority

What that looks like to me is that, if it goes through, suddenly lot's of people would be defined as having no gender whatsoever.

Let's see.

Hysterectomy
Infertile for whatever reason
Post Menopausal
Transsexual

It's the sweeping stuff like this, legislated out of ignorance and fear, that makes me truly fear for this country and my life.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Sequence of Events

Some people have questioned my sequence of events (not many but the question is out there).

Without dates here is the sequence of my transition.

Herbals
Hormones
Therapist
Prescribed Hormones
Facial Laser
Part Time
Job in Part Time
Full Time
Facial Surgery
Letters
Vaginoplasty
Labiaplasty

Okay most of that is pretty generic but the part that people wonder about is:

Full Time
Facial Surgery
Letters
Vaginoplasty

The basic argument is 'If you needed to do this so bad, why did you do the face before the nether-regions?'

Simple - Money. True, the face costs MORE than the downstairs work but I believe that patience pays off. I want a full life and to do that I needed to be able to get through the medical part of this journey and still have a life after.

So I did the face first. I recommend not doing facial surgery unless you are very, VERY sure. It's hard to reverse, for one. I was accepted pretty well before my facial surgery but I was not %100. If I wanted to keep my job, I firmly believed that I needed to make it easier on those who had power over me. And, for me, that meant blending in as well as I could.

My transition was not about about who I was sleeping with. I was more concerned with the day to day interactions with the people around me. After all, everyone saw my face but what was in my pants was my business.

I'm glad I did it the way I did. I would do it that way again if I had to.

Still, it's nice when EVERYTHING is done.

Should I cut the blue wire?

I had my weigh in after the first week of Weight Watchers a few days ago.....

9.4 Pounds! (Lost I mean. Gaining 9.4 in that week would be scary).

I am convinced that most of it was water and some of that post-surgery weight that I tend to get.

I get to start exercising again in a couple days! Yay!

I've felt so behind lately but if I list everything I need to do, I am right on schedule. This general unease is just annoying. Maybe there is just something I need to wrap my head around.

Ugh.

My hair is, once again, a non-natural color and I still like it. At least I don't think this color can be found in nature but a girl from my drama class was convinced that I am a natural redhead.

Hmmm....let's see. What else?

Another busy weekend coming up. I am going to see a movie this weekend (pretty exciting, eh?) Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I've heard mixed reviews but it still looks like fun.

Oh, and I have to send something to Mom like RIGHT NOW.

Fabricated Holidays are the best, eh?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Nerf or Hand Grenade?

Okay, this one is stupid.

You will probably want to hit me over the head with a [insert amusing blunt object here].

Fine, I'll say it.

It was easier to flirt pre-op.

Note that I did not say it was SAFER to flirt pre-op - just easier. It's my own mental block...fine EMOTIONAL block.

I even think I know why.

Pre-op I didn't think it could go anywhere. I could have fun. I could date. I could be SURE that I would not take it any further. No danger of true intimacy. No danger of truly opening myself up for a deeper relationship. There was no possibility of investment so therefore I couldn't get hurt.

My God, how shallow and self absorbed can I be?

Now that there is the possiblility of going further I chicken out.

"AAARGH!" - Charles Brown - age 6

I don't think I am a coward (what transitioner is?) but this is something I am resolving to get over.

Y'all hold me to that, okay?