Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Persistence of Recognition

People work hard to find their own look. People strive to be distinctive in their expression.

If your confidence is up, what woman doesn't want all eyes to gaze on her as she enters the room?

If you confidence is down, you have a tendency to think about things like, 'Did I take that avocado facial mask off?'

Apparently, I am distinctive and I am not sure I always like it. I'll wander through Cost Plus World Market and complete strangers will come up to me and ask

'Don't you work at [insert the name of Retail Sales Outlet here]?'

The fact is, I haven't worked at [insert the name of Retail Sales Outlet here] for a year and a half. Still people recognize me.

At stores I would go to occasionally, clerks would exclaim that they hadn't seen me in forever (apparently the sales clerks are immortal).

I wish I could just accept the fact that people remember me. But....

I have to wonder WHY. (Who knows why I do this, apparently I like punishments).

So I go through the list...

I am TALL (right around six foot). Most women aren't that tall. Still, it is a distinguishing feature.

For some reason, people tend to like the color of my HAIR. Honestly, I don' t think it is all that distinctive, but I have been told differently.

I am FRIENDLY. I actually talk to people (yes, but I am still a Shy Extrovert).

CLEAVAGE. Since they are stared at during conversations, my breasts cannot be classified as shy.

I certainly hope it is one of those reasons. Please note that none of the prior list means that they 'clocked' me.

Of course it could be that whole TRANSSEXUAL thing. People saw me transition, I would imagine that is something you don't forget all that easily.

Or, I could just be obvious.

I dunno. I'll strive to assume it was something from the first list.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Viking Amazons of the 19th century

Do you own your body? Is it yours? Are you proud of it?

Or do you try to hide from it?

I know that sounds awkward.

Let's say you are 6' 2" tall. That is quite statuesque.

Are you ashamed of your height? Do you hunch over and try to disguise it? Do you lurch, Quasimodo style, from bench to bench, so you never have to look at the tops of peoples heads and they never realize that your inner Amazon is actual your OUTER Amazon?

I'm guilty of trying to disguise my height from time to time. As a rule, I would prefer to look up to a man I am interested in (instead of giving him a free tour of my nostrils).

I wish I had my Grandmother around. Like me, she stood near the six foot level but she always carried herself with grace. She never seemed that tall, she just was.

I learned so much from her. She showed me her way of cooking (measuring? HA!). We had some of the most amazing talks.

There were things I needed to learn from her that she didn't know to tell me and I didn't think to ask.

She was the domineering Matriarch of the family. Our holidays were steeped in Norwegian custom. I learned bits of the Norwegian language just by hanging out with her.

I think of what she might say on this subject. (accent simulated)

"Don't vorry about your height. You're tall - be tall!"

"I vas not the tallest girl in town." (this is true, in Norway the Vikings apparently liked their women tall).

"You are as tall as me. So you tink I am too tall?" (the guilt/accusation technique is multi-cultural).

When girls go through that last growth streak, when they are suddenly taller than the boys, they go through the 'ashamed of their height' stage. I think it is normal.

In general I think the way to go is:

Own your height.
Be happy.
Don't store things on the bottom shelves.

Define, Refine, and Solar Events

It is funny how language develops around our environment. The uniqueness (or regularity) of a system shapes the words we use.

We crave depth in our understanding so we break our definitions into smaller and smaller granularity. We refine our definitions to make them more precise.

What is the old saying? Eskimo's have over 200 words for snow.

Why did we define clouds as more than just clouds? Why do we have cumulus and stratus?

We tweak the labels until each and every definition is so precise that it deny's all others.

There is a function to this parsing but, like anything, if misused it can be damaging.

Then there is the exception clause of definitions. If something is the same all the time, define the exceptions.

In California, the weather can sometimes be defined as partially cloudy.

In Washington, however, they define the weather based on sun breaks.

Once again, no point to this post.

I babble as always.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Dude, you shoulda bought a....never mind

I have been paranoid lately. I had thought it was that I am getting 'clocked' wherever I go.

I've confided this to a close friend and she tells me that it wasn't the case. It is all in my head.

So what is it then?

I was in a computer store yesterday. I couldn't get help to save my life.

I know computers. I knew what I needed but I required some help to find it.

Sales people bustled around, helping the geeky gentlemen around me. Apparently, I was invisible.

Obviously, they didn't want to help out the freak, right?

(I almost got hit for saying that BTW)

She explained it to me slowly on an outside chance that it would sink in.

"A woman in a computer store is generally ignored. They don't think you know what you need. They see you as difficult. They see you as a problem."

What they want to do is geek out with like minded people, not deal with someone's Mom who will end up buying a Dell anyway (and probably should).

So basically what she told me that I was not being 'clocked', I was just getting a taste of what it is really like sometimes.

UPDATE: I went to one of the Mom & Pop Computer shops today (near one of the big Geek Employers of the area). They treated me respectfully and acknowledged that I actually knew something (and he carried the heavier parts out to the car for me).

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

[Insert facsimile of face here]

I understand the need for people to put their pictures on their sites.

They are instrumental in showing people what CAN be done.
They add a closeness to the reader.
There is a level of validation to them.
They show you who the heck is talking.

I suppose it is selfish of me not to put mine up (you wouldn't think so, if you saw me, it is really for your own good).

I dwell on the negative as far as this goes.

Loss of Privacy.
Identity theft.
"My sister's, best friends, cousins, dogsitter was on the internet and guess what he found....."
Photo Abuse (zat head and zat body, zey do not go togezer - no?).

I let my paranoia rule as far as this goes.

An internet photo is forever.
etc. etc. etc.

Puddle of Drool on the Desk

Ever feel like you slept through the start of recess?

I'm kind of like that at the moment - blearily surveying an empty room.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Post Op Depression - It could happen to you.

I've had a total of three surgeries in my life: FFS, GRS, and Labiaplasty.

Before each one people asked me if I was scared.

The answer was always the same, yes and no.

I did not doubt that the results were what I needed. I didn't fear regret.

I was reticent about the concept of surgery itself. It is a scary concept. You lay down and they pump you full of drugs. You fall into a state of unconsciousness. They CUT AND REMOLD major parts of your body. They sew you back up. You heal.

It's the cutting part that I was worried about. I think that is a healthy fear.

I slept soundly before each surgery.

I have heped friends after their surgeries and I became aware of post-op depression. I don't know what causes it exactly. It could be the anesthesia, it could be the emotional letdown. It could be the fear of 'was it enough'?

Some of my friends had the depression, some didn't. Some are more prone to it - they get it with EVERY SINGLE SURGERY THEY HAVE.

And I had it - once. It was after GRS (a couple years ago).

I am not sure I count the first depression after GRS. I think it was a major hormone thing. They mess with your hormones big time. First you are producting T and supressing it while adding estrogen. Then you go off of everything - T returns. Then they remove the source of T. Then you go back on estrogen.

Think of it as Puberty, Mature, Menopause, MAJOR Menopause, Sudden Puberty.

Everyone I know, hit a major emotional wall the third day after surgery. I'm sorry to say you just have to get through it. Family and friends supporting you really helps. Knowing what is coming REALLY helps.

About 2 weeks after GRS I hit another emotional wall. This was true post op depression. I knew what was happening and I couldn't do anything about it. Friends helped. I talked to Mom on the phone every day. I didn't feel like moving out of bed AT ALL.

I don't have much advice on how to deal with the depression. Here is my short list:

Know what is coming.
Warn your support system.
Know that it is not permanent.
Try to get outside. Sunshine helps.
Healing physically is the primary concern. Don't screw up the work you had done.
Talk to people who have been through it.
Make no rash decisions. Everything major can wait at least 3 days.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Are feather-based glasses IN this year, or not?

I don't like to dwell on clothes or personal style. To me that is where the lay person defaults when they hear of someone with this particular function.

That being said, I don't like to provide fodder for the stereotype.

However....(don't you just love when a person claims distaste for a particular action and then procedes to do that particular action?)

I need a style update.

Classy but functional. I am not crawling around under desks at my job anymore.

I've been through my closet and have disposed of most of the hideous stuff from my initial (distastrous) attempts at developing my personal style.

I still cringe when I look at this stuff.

I let others help me at first. Think about how a young natal woman develops her style. It is peer approval, rebellion, sex appeal, comfort. You have to make mistakes (or see someone elses) in order to bring yourself into focus.

You have to deal with the body shape you have, not the shape you want.

You have to be appropriate for your age (or apparent age).

You have to deal with the workplace.

Colors (patterns, solids, palette, ugh!)

My style shifts, it is a living thing. Occasionally there is a need for an evolutionary leap.

Now is that time.

Classy. Attractive. Appropriate. Comfortable.

Now if I can just get the funding for it.

Life Reduced to a Fridge Magnet

I like good quotes. I don't really care where I get them from as long as they ring true and resonate with me. Here are a few of my favorites.

I'd really like to hear some of yours as well.

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while - you might miss it."

"My father says almost the whole world's asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says only a few people are awake. And they live in a state of constant total amazement."

Friday, July 15, 2005

other? OTHER????

I really don't like problems in communication. I know most of the fault is mine - I jump around in a conversation quite a bit. I just don't make myself clear. I understand that.

Case in point. During my 'year of activism' I am doing things with the Pride Council for my employer. We are dealing with issues that can have a nationwide impact.

They look at me (when I go into my political tangents) like I am wearing a tinfoil hat.

One of my issues at the moment has to do with the gender marker on records. Believe it or not, at my company, gender matters on the official record (trust me, it does - totally legit).

We are developing a new system and currently there are FOUR genders listed (Male, Female, Unknown, and Other). Male/Female is pretty self-explanatory. Unknown is the default if you don't enter anything and Other is your exception code (intersex for instance). I am not a big fan of Other as a classification but I see that they want to cover eventualities.

Now they want to add a handful of new ones (MTF, FTM, etc).

My concern is that this is being used as IDENTIFICATION. They say this is voluntary at the moment, people can determine which category they fit in. From what I have seen, that which is voluntary one day becomes mandatory the next.

(Insert weird, out of the way story here)

Imagine your job is to sit at a console and hit one of four buttons.

(This is a fictitious job, I hope I am not describing your employment situation)

If a green light shows on your console, hit button #1 and you will hear the sound of a bell.

If a red light shows on your console, hit button #2 and you will hear a trumpet.

If a blue light shows on your console, hit button #3 and you will hear a cow.

If a purple light shows on your console, hit button #3 but you have the option of hitting #4 instead. You have no idea what happens when you hit button #4.

Day after day, you get red, green, and blue lights.

The purple light stays stubbornly unlit.

Weeks go by, even months. Still no purple light and button #4 stays untouched, pristine.

Finally, one day, right before lunch, the purple light glows brilliantly and at the same time, the phone rings.

You answer the phone, your finger poised over button #4.

"Hey, this is Cecelia from accounting. That purple light? It's for me. I know I can't stop you or anything but can you please not hit button #4, it will really mess me up. Can you hit button #3 instead?"

Now, you have a real problem with accountants. Cecelia's voice grated on you with that darn accountant accent.

Why should you do her a favor? It is your JOB to hit button #4. Still, it is going to mess with Cecelia.

You, the Button Master - Bane of Accountancy. What button do you think you will push?

(end weird, out of the way story here)

At the meeting, I expressed concern with the added gender options and THEY COULDN'T SEE THE POINT. "They are accurate, aren't they? What's the problem?" They didn't seem to see the issue that private information was being given to anyone at the most cursory glance.

I got them to agree to protest it, I am still not sure they understand.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Knife Fight!

I need to have my throat cut.

For some reason this distresses me.

My Adam's Apple is not too noticeable at the moment. You can't see it easily anyway.

But you can feel it.

It bugs me. I can retract it back flush with my throat but it takes a decent amount of effort.

I don't know when it is noticaeable and when it isn't. My Doctor called it 'the beginnings of a goiter'. She's wrong, of course. I had a facial a few months ago and I found it disconcerting as she touched that area.

Don't even get me started on the dating aspects.

I am worried about a scar. How do I explain THAT one? What if I lose my voice?

Knife fight? Bondage accident? A really accurate cat-scratch?

I'm going to do it but it makes me nervous.

At the moment it is going to be my reward for getting down to my goal weight at WW.

I've lost 18 pounds so far BTW. Yay!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

A favor....

Hey, how about a vote or two?


Vote for this site at Freedom Forum

Selective Amnesia and the Gorillas in the Mist

"You understand them. Tell me what he is thinking!" My girlfriend asked me.

I am supposed to have the inner track on understanding men. At one point, I thought I did. Heck, I pretended to be one for so long I should understand them.

I really don't.

I liken my experience to Jane Goodall. I lived among the men. I can analyze their social structure. I can predict behavior to a certain extent. I studied them. But I don't think I can ever truly understand them.

Still, it helps me understand them more than some people. It is all relative.

Does that mean I can understand my own interactions with them? No, not really. I am too close to objectify my own relationships (and where, precisely, is the fun in that?).

Maybe someone needs to do a true study of the male creature.

I can just imagine the National Geographic special now.

Selective Amnesia and Plumbers Cleavage

The mind is a funny thing. At some points it seems to have infinite capacity and sometimes it is like a water heater.

Like a water heater???? (I'll say it for you - HUH???)

A water heater is just a big bottle with a pipe of water flowing into it and a pipe of water flowing out of it. (There is a heating source of some kind and a heating source shutoff but that isn't important right now)

It is a contant pressure system, at any given time (provided you have paid your water bill) there is the same amount of water in it.

If you turn on the spigot and let hot water out of it, brand new cold water from the city flows into it to be heated up. The old is replaced by the new. Because it has a finite capacity, there is always a mix of old (hot) water and new (cold) water.

Bear with me on this, I had a whole analogy with BB's and a Turkey Baster but I didn't want to be censored for perceived content.

Over time the old is supplanted by the new but a little of the old remains. The more you use the hot water, the more the change.

Okay, this is a messed up analogy.

Memories are like that. Over time people forget much of the old information (or bury it) and it is replaced by the new. Still, a hint of the old remains. If you transitioned at, say, 25 and you are celebrating your 95th birthday, is everyone going to remark on those first 25 years? Probably not, you have filled your life with more experiences and they overshadow the pre-transition information.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Then....this one time....at band camp....

When I was growing up, I was a bit.....awkward.

Don't get me wrong, I had friends. I wasn't a total social outcast. In general I was considered a bit off. There is no real assimilation who had the terrible three against them:

Tallest in the class
Brain of the class
First puberty (sigh)

Plus the obligatory music geek thing. I think I was coming out of it at one point but when you go to school with the same people from age 5, they tend to categorize you in a relatively permanent way.

After 9th grade, however, I went to band camp. (Go on, say it. I know you want to...."One time....at Band Camp...I...[insert awkward confession here]).

The realization hit me.

None of these people knew me.

I was starting fresh.

The history was irrelevant.

And really, really surprisingly....I was popular.

Sure, popularity among band geeks is a relative thing but it opened things up for a new concept.

The blank slate. Reinvention.

I went every year after that (camp scholarships are great - I was the Alpha Band Geek).

I found that the same concept applied for college - for jobs - for transition.

Sometimes you have to go to a place where everyone starts with you at face value.

Maybe it is time for camp.

What Script Do You Use?

Early in my transition, I heard many cautionary tales.

I heard about those who were banished from their families. People in good jobs who, at first hint of transition, were reduced to paupers. Violence. Public humiliation.

In general - not good things.

It is enough to make you reconsider transition at all. Why trade one agony for another?
I planned my path based on these tales of woe. Each cautionary tale taught me something.
  • I became more aware of my surroundings and made strategies for my personal safety.
  • I built up reserves so I could survive the loss of my job.
  • I approached my family, without challenge. I told them the situation and we let it settle.

But all of this made me overly cautious.

It is totally to my advantage to start a career somewhere else. I have a shot of starting over somewhere without the spectre of my transition. They may find out, sure but at least the starting point will be from the right place.

Cautionary Tale 1

She was about my age, in a job almost identical to mine. HR leaked the info about her transition well before she was prepared for full time. She started full time early. They found 'another reason' to fire her - kill her references (figuratively). She was left, not able to get a job. She lost everything and had to live off of her friends.

Cautionary Tale 2

Anecdotal. Violence against Transsexuals is pretty much condoned. Heard about 'Boys Don't Cry'.

Cautionary Tale 3

She warned no-one. One day she was 'Bob' the next day she showed up in a Britney Dress and wanted to be called 'Barbie'. HR/Union/Management talks followed. Locker room priveleges were not immediately granted (and still haven't been 2 years later). She has a voice reminiscent of John Cusack. (Note: The dress is not a good idea for the chemical plant floor)

The thing is - I want to get a new job. I am pretty afraid of the concept.

Let the cautionary tales prepare you but don't live your life by them.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Is there a 12 step for this?

Am I addicted to surgery?

Maybe.

More later.

UPDATE: Never Mind

Sunday, July 10, 2005

A fear I had

One of my biggest fears during transition was to get stuck part way.

The scenario that was on my mind went something like this:

Living part-time (no, that doesn't mean dead part of the time).
Changing my ID
Someone at work found out.
They find 'some other reason' to get rid of me.
I am trapped, with new ID, can't get a job, dwindling hormone reserves.
Homeless - rejected.

In short - not good.

I planned based on that eventuality.

I started working with my new name in a part time job. That way I could get references.
I gave ridiculously short notice of my transition at work.
I went full time only after I could afford FFS.
I did my best to be indispensible at work.
I had cash reserves to last a few months.

Planning, Planning, PLANNING.

Don't jump into the pool unless you know how deep it is.

Plan for the worst - hope for the best.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Teetering

I was supposed to have suffered. In theory I was abused as a child. The trauma from that abuse is what led me to this insane road of transition.

I wasn't abused. I have (and had) a loving family. They are wonderful people, though we are a little weird. We fought from time to time, which families do. But isn't part of being a family the comfort to challenge each other? To be ticked at each other? To not worry that the fight will end the relationship?

I am sure I freak them out a bit. At first, when I first transitioned, they were a bit wary. It was as if they thought I was so instable that the slightest thing might send me into an asylum.

They figured it out. I am still me. There are parts of me that kept hidden. There were masks that I had assumed. When we are together, we fall into old roles. Only now they realize that my role had always been daughter/sister.

They didn't have to change much and they had to change quite a bit.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Freudian Nickname

When I told my parents of my function, they claimed surprise.

My father has a tendency to nickname. I don't rub his nose in this now (although I have mentioned it to him), on fear that he may believe he caused my condition.

He didn't cause it, he simply recognized it.

His nickname for me?

Tinkerbell

And they lived happily ever after...(unless, of course, they didn't)

I am fascinated with the stories that shape our childhood. The fairy tales, fables, mythology that people only seem to know through popular media and watered down versions.

Take The Wizard of Oz for instance. What is our exposure to the story? Have you ever even read the books? Are you aware of the books at all? Is your only exposure to Dorothy Gale a singing teenager preteding to be much younger? Did you see Wicked? Did you read A Barnstormer in Oz (Phillip Jose Farmer)? When we see a simplified version of the story we can miss so much of the depth that an author intended.

In Peter Pan, the last movie was very, very close to the book. Still, who would know if you didn't read it?

Sure, we know The Boy Who Cried Wolf, but have you read Aesops Fables (a translation, of course).

Is Quasimodo someone who just sang with gargoyles?

Is Mowgli just someone who learned the 'Bear Necessities'?

Tarzan has been warped so badly it is barely recognizable.

Hercules? Alladin?

Did Merlin teach valuable life lessons to Arthur by changing him into amusing animals?

What famous Disney movie should have ended with the Evil Queen being killed with the maiming of her feet with red-hot shoes? (Hint: She is no longer the fairest of them all).

On a mandatory Science Fiction note - Starship Troopers appears to have been adapted by a misunderstanding of the book jacket blurb. Only the names remained the same (some of them).

Oh well, the effects were good.

I suppose this post is just an effort to get people to find the source of our information and not the diluted shadows that are fed to us.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Bobo on a Bike

Whatever you do, don't think of a green monkey riding a unicycle.

Whatever you do, don't think about the debt you are in.

Whatever you do, don't think about how people deal with your function.

Whatever you do, don't worry.

Whatever you do, don't think abo.......


Did you ever notice when you were driving, if there is something on the road you don't want to hit, you seem to swerve towards it?

Dwell on the negative and you will swerve towards the negative.

Going with your strengths

Do you deserve happiness? Do I?

Is there some kind of karma scale that determines our alloted amount?

Or do you cheat and weigh down the 'unhappy' side so you won't have to deal with contentment?
Hi, I'm Anne and I am addicted to whining. It's a skill. I am good at it.

I think one reason my romantic relationships don't get beyond the superficial levels is the fact that I don't want to burden someone with my history.

Is my history a burden? Does it make me unfit for a long term relationship?

I don't think so.

The burdens:
Can't have kids.
Try and explain the history to the family.
If you don't explain it, how do you react to it getting out?
Amazonian Stature.
Not a good dancer.
My looks don't scare children.

But on the positive side:
Loving.
Giving.
Amazonian Stature.
Can build a computer from scratch in a very short time.
Amusing stories.
My looks don't scare children.

I have to figure out why I keep submarining my own happiness. There really isn't a good reason for it.

I need to just STOP IT.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

And God Created the Genome....

"And after God created Adam, he looked upon his creations' 23rd chromosome
pair and stated - This is man for he is XY. And I decree that woman shall be
XX." - Fictional Verse

Where in the Bible are chromosomes actually mentioned? The whole XX/XY argument gets thrown around a lot by the Evangelical Movement. They like to throw that bit of science flavoring in their argument against Transsexuals. Of course these are the same people who have never SEEN the 23rd chromosome pair (neither have I). Yet, they tend to throw this fact around with abandon.

Intersex people do not exist - they don't fit into the plan.

People used to believe that a woman had nothing to do with the basic structure of the child. She just provided the place to plant the man's seed (of course blame for any birth defect was placed squarely on the mother).

In the creation story in Genesis (one of them anyway - there are two), Man was created from dirt. Man bops around the garden for a bit and gets lonely. So, God knocks him out (woo hoo! the first Anesthesia!) takes his rib and grows it into a woman.

So, if Adams' rib (XY) is grown into Eve, then shouldn't she have exactly the same genetic material? Unless Adam was some kid of chimera and had two different genetic structures. Of course this is explained by the fact that it is a miracle (convenient). But what is the point of these 'behind the scenes' miracles? It seems to me that something should have been said about it.

"God made you one way, you should not change it."

That is a pretty standard argument. Here is one scripture that is used:

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I
consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."

See, God made you in the womb. You should never change anything!

This opens a can of worms. Cleft palates, Birth Defects, any of that kind of thing. We obviously should do nothing about it! How about this? God made me this way in the womb. God knew he gave me something big to overcome but goodness can come out of it.

Deuterotomy 23:1
"He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not
enter the assembly of the LORD."

Didn't crush 'em and most of the pieces are still there (rearranged). Check and Check. But doesn't that go against this?

Matthew 19:12
"For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs
who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made
themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to
receive this, let him receive it."


I am not saying that I am a eunuch (technically, I suppose I am). But it seems to me that Jesus is cool with things.

(I don't know why the Biblical tangent today - it just kind of happened)