Friday, April 28, 2006

Frustra....never mind

I am a little frustrated/disappointed/sad.
 
I like to think I am a decent friend.  I take care of people when I can.  I have opened my home to people when they recover from surgery.  I visit during recuperation.  I take days off work to make sure people have a ride to the airport or to their appointments.
 
I am having surgery in a couple weeks.  The surgery itself is not a big deal, it is basically outpatient and I'll be back working at home a day or so later.
 
I have to go alone.  I have to take public transportation for 2 hours afterward to try and get home (busses/trains/taxis).  Last night my ride backed out (well, not backed out actually, more like "I can pick you up 8 hours after your surgery.  Can't you kill time until then?".
 
I really don't cry that often but I feel a little abandoned.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Support....or something like it

When I think about support groups, I get a pretty specific picture in my head.
 
I see the stereotypical television style AA meeting.  People wandering in to a dim classroom at some community college or off hours at some high school.  The chairs are hard and uncomfortable.  Everyone takes a turn going around the circle and brings up their issues.
 
Why did this picture develop?  I have been to meetings that are remarkably like this.  How did they come to be?  What purpose do they serve?  I have only guesses.
 
When I first began my transition in earnest, my therapist recommended that I go to a local group.  I heard about one nearby so I found out when they met and showed up one week.  It was advertised as a 'Rap Session', an informal gathering but the rituals seemed very structured.  The leader was a nice enough cross dresser, they tried to make me feel welcome.  Anyway, one by one we introduced ourselves.  Little tangents broke out from time to time but eventually we made it around the circle.
 
There was much talk about makeup and wigs.  The majority had gone to a local nail salon prior to the meeting and had long 'dragon lady' nails applied.  Almost without fail all were in dresses.  Most were dressed much too young for their apparent ages.  I went for several months, hoping each time I would 'get it'.
 
I never did get it.  I usually cried on my way home - these people were so lonely.  I am sorry to say I did not 'click' with any of them.  I usually just felt drained.
 
From time to time this group chastised me.  I never wore dresses to the meetings.  I was boring.
 
So how did something like this come together?  I have a theory or two.  Think way back to the days prior to this newfangled Interweb.  How did one find out about transitioning?  How did you find someone to talk to?  I am thinking that a psychologist was probably the answer.  If enough patients from the same shrink had similar issues then it may make sense to get them together.  I think the structure of the meeting probably follows something close to a group session that would have been led by a therapist or psychologist.
 
In general, the situation was forced.  It was not an organic setup it was designed for a more centralized control.
 
So, is there a better way?
 
The Internet affords us communication.  It is much easier to meet people now than ever in..well...ever. I think this gives people opportunity.
 
I have several friends who have transitioned.  Through many means we have come together as a loose group.  People come and go, not everyone can make it every time we get together.  Discussions flow where they will.  Transition is usually mentioned but it is by no means the only subject brought up.  Some people force themselves away but no one is truly, absolutely rejected.
 
I think it is a better way to go.  It is the organic structure as opposed to the manufactured.  The group is a living organism. 
 
When I leave, I don't end up in tears.  I am not drained.
 
Anyway, I think it is a good way for things to be.
 

Monday, April 24, 2006

All Systems....

Where have I been?
 
As usual, I am still here.  I have had nothing angsty to write.  There have been no highs or lows.  Essentially, my existence has been event-free.
 
In short - boring.
 
I'll try to dredge for details.
 
I hit a decade mark, one of those annoying benchmarks with a zero at the end.  As I do each year, I scheduled appointments with my Doctors for a yearly physical.  Everything is fine.  I am heavier than I like but..well....duh.
 
I went back to the endocrinologist.  We discussed putting me on the patch and we did try it.  To be honest I liked the medicine that way but hated the application method.  I am apparently allergic to the adhesive so each week when I put a new one on, I would have a new irritated red area in the shape of the previous patch that would NOT GO AWAY.
 
I tried the creams he told me to try and he wanted to go to something stronger to deal with the side effects of the medicine change.   A few days ago I finally vetoed the patch and went back to pills.  I think it is silly to have to be cured from the medicine you are taking if you don't have to.
 
I am annoyed at the health care system.  The endo also scheduled bloodwork for me and, in that bloodwork, he put in a PSA. The PSA is a test to see how your prostate is doing.  So I had to deal with the lab techs loudly saying that I don't really need that one and them pointing the screen out to one another.  Then, of course, the obligatory pronoun shift.  Needless to say, I was not happy.
 
Anyway, at least I am healthy.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Isn't it strange

That the words Bite, Suck, and Blow can mean the exactly the same thing?

*will post more soon - been busy