Life Rebooted

Doctor Horrible

2008-06-26T20:09:00.001-07:00

Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.

Full of awesome

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Stairway

2007-12-19T21:06:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to try posting from a new browser - Flock.

Blogged with Flock

Wonder Wanderer

2007-11-29T08:59:00.001-08:00

When you are young, you are bombarded with new experiences. Do you remember your first play? Your first symphony? The first time you went to an art museum?

When you are young and haven't been tainted by the world, experiences can be full of wonder and undiluted enjoyment. You can be whicked away and caught up in the sensations of the moment.

And that is a good thing.

I am a musician, I think that is one of my defining attributes. I pursued the study of music aggressively. Classes in composition, history, conducting, theory filled my days for many years.

And as a result, my musical world changed. The sense of enjoyment was still there but now there was knowledge behind my experience. A little voice started telling me "Oooh, that's a hard part. That took skill. See how the phrases balance. Wow, the tone that soloist is producing is incredible!". The voice is almost impossible to turn off. Did I enjoy the music any less? I would say no. But my appreciation of the music deepened.

I have dabbled in acting. Even at the superficial level that I attained, my experience of the dramatic world changed. I gained more of an appreciation for the art.

I've taken to sculpture lately. Can you guess what happened?

A good artist can make you forget the process. A good one can whisk you away and let you experience the wonder again.

It is easy to miss that initial sense of wonder that you get when you experience something for the first time. Maybe that is why we need to seek out new things and new experiences. Maybe that is why we need to seek out better and better artists.

Maybe that is why we should do everything we can to support the arts.

Lift that Barge! Tote that Bale! (from the knees!)

2007-11-28T09:49:00.001-08:00

I'm finding that I am a ball of tension this holiday season. My back has been tweaking the last few weeks and it is really getting annoying. Each morning, I wake up at 4AM with pain near the center of my spine. It feels like if I could just crack my back then everything would be fine. Sigh.

So, why all the tension? I blame the season...Hah! Bumhug!

Actually, I like the season just fine. I am just stressing about what to get people, the amount of times I am flying home and the disturbing conversion of my signature holiday dishes turning directly into fat.

Then there is the self-imposed stress. I have a dozen little projects that I have imposed on myself and it looks like I'll miss my deadline. You'd think that if I was the one holding myself up to the deadline, then I would be able to shift the deadline to a more reasonable time.

Apparently, I am a stubborn wench of a taskmaster.

What I did on my Summer Vacation - An Essay

2007-11-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

It's a stereotype (legend?) that when youngsters go back to school after Summer vacation, the teacher always assigns the essay entitled "What I did on my Summer Vacation". I think the teacher was actually being sneaky.

First, it's a great initial lesson plan, a gimme. When you start your lesson plans for the year, it is probably a great way to bust writers block. Also, I think these plans are passed on year to year so it becomes ingrained in tradition.

Second, all the kids (who did something more than just watch TV for the Summer) want to tell their friends about what they did. When you get back to school, you may see some friends that you haven't seen for awhile. There is a lot of chatter in class until all the greetings and storytelling is done. This essay circumvents much of that discussion.

I've essentially been gone a year so I probably owe more than an short essay, right?

Nah, here's a list. Essays to follow.

Took some classes on something completely new.
Took some classes on something that I've been working on awhile.
Became a Mac geek.
Dealt with some serious illness in my family.
Altered the 'World Domination' bullet in my 5 year plan to 'World Influence'.

More to follow...

If a blogpost falls in the woods and there is no one there...

2007-10-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

Seriously, if I wrote a little here (I know it's been a while).

Is anyone going to read it?

Where???

2007-02-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

You've heard me say it before. My college mentor told me (often):

"Music is what happens between the notes."

I've been trying to build a playlist.

Trust the Bed - My Holiday Analogy

2007-01-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

I stayed at my parents house for Christmas this year. The house they live in was not my childhood home so I no longer have a dedicated room. This year I was to stay in the downstairs room on a daybed they just purchased. It's a new bed, decent mattress. It creaks a bit and the mattress tends to slip off the edge of the frame a few times during the night.

I never stayed on it before.

The relative rickety-ness of the bed left me a little tense. All night I was poised to catch myself were the bed to collapse. I moved cautiously, never quite falling into a deep sleep.

The first night I really didn't get much rest.

The second night was much the same.

By the third night I realized I was being ridiculous. If the bed fell I would get hurt whether or not I was fast asleep. So I made a decision to 'trust the bed' and you know what? The bed didn't collapse and and I slept just fine.

In my romantic life, I am cautious. I am poised to catch myself were things to collapse. I move cautiously, never quite allowing myself to trust......

Seven Days of Euphemisms (day 7)

2006-12-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, what else is there? I know I have missed a lot of them out here.

The final list:

Crazy

Loco

Looney Toons

Off your rocker

Gone 'bye bye'

Nuts

Section 8

Whacko

Cuckoo

Batty

Unglued

Psycho

Kooky

Bonkers

Mad as a Hatter

Daft

Slipped a Cog

and, of course my favorite...'Anne'

Seven Days of Euphemisms (day 6)

2006-12-11T08:18:00.000-08:00

Brain...freezing...up.

I'm grasping for a category...

So, in honor of the horrendously large marguerita I had last night (car keys surrendered to dinner companions, of course).

I give you THE DRUNK LIST:

Smashed

Snockered

Soused

Three Sheets to the Wind

Pissed

Tipsy

Buzzed

Plastered

Plowed

Sloshed

Inebriated

Juiced

Tanked

Lit

Seven Days of Euphemisms (day 5)

2006-12-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

What else do they have euphemisms for?

How about killing?
Whack
Dust
Splash (Naval Term)
Sleep with the Fishes
Dirt Nap
Wasted
Liquidated
Passed Away
Finish Off
Put to Sleep
Dispatch
Knock Off
Ice
Do In
Hit

Leave it to Hollywood to leave lots of these.

Seven Days of Euphemisms (day 4)

2006-12-08T09:44:00.000-08:00

Let's go to the lighter side of things for this one: Literary and Entertainment

"He Who Must Not Be Named" - Lord Voldemort (oops, guess I named him)

"The Scottish Play" - It is considered bad luck to refer to MacBeth inside a theater.

Frak - I can't wait until the censors REALLY start getting into BSG. The FCC is the thought-police, right? So if we give meaning to it that they don't like then they are morally obligated to protect the children.

Seven Days of Euphemisms (day 3)

2006-12-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

Ah, the time honored pastime of coming up with new names for vomiting. I'm not quite sure why we have come up with new names for it (perhaps ashamed of the behavior that led to it?).

Anyways, here goes:

Ralph
Blow Chunks
Toss Chunks
Blow Cookies
Toss Cookies
Drive the Porcelain Bus
Pray to the Porcelain God
Heaving
Velching (the belch that is almost a vomit)
Hurl
Retch
Spew
Puke
Upchuck
Barf
Spit up (let's face it, a baby vomits A LOT)
Throw up
Regurgitate (technically a medical term but I thought I would throw it it)
Urp (ever the onomatopoetic)
Be sick

and the tragically popular...

"My diet."

Seven Days of Euphemisms (day 2)

2006-12-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

Why are all the good euphmemisms sexual?

Here is one that my folks used:

"We are going to the Submarine Races."

When I was little I wasn't sure if the submarines raced above or below the water but they were apparently held often and were also apparenltly quite enjoyable.

Seven Days of Euphemisms

2006-12-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

A Euphemism is a word or phrase that describes a thing or event using (hopefully) socially acceptible language.

I'm a big fan of them.

So, in an attempt to start posting again. I am going to put up one a day for a week. Some will be widely known ones, others will be just my own.

The first is one that my ex used.

Tallywhack - Male to Female genital reassignment surgery

We did have some major differences. Life was not often fun. But she did have her funny moments. I like the fact that this is a euphemism of a euphemism (Tallywacker refers the male anatomy itself) and it is an amusing play on words.

Solving

2006-11-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

It seems like most problem solving can be boiled down into two camps:

1. Determining, to the best of your availability, all pertinent facts, variables, and tolerences. Taking into consideration all of these things, calculate a result.

2. Ignore the problem altogether. If you see something shiny and distraction-like and seemingly answerful then grab onto it. At the point where it isn't the answer, allow yourself to be distracted by the next shiny, distraction-like and answerful thing.

2a. Repeat until all wrong answers are eliminated.

Only one of these answers is likely to keep you out of trouble on your taxes. The other will take much longer but it is much more likely to give you an interesting journey.

Science of Breath

2006-11-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

In general, I am a big fan of breathing. No, really.

When I was young, I was expressive. If I felt like it, I would hug (I admit it, I was a hugger). I was, for the most part, pretty sedate but I was loyal to my friends and they to me.

I danced. I probably looked like a fool but I had FUN. I joked around with folks. I wasn't gregarious. I had issues but in general my life was not awful.

In college, mainly because it seemed like the thing to do, I got married. I married someone with a sense of propriety. Someone with such a strong opinion on how people should act that I changed.

My friends, I was told, were not really my friends. Hugging ANYONE was inappropriate. My dancing and humor? An embarrassment.

My world shrank down from a fun place teaming with fun people down to one...single...person. That person expressed their love of me (and only they loved me) but I was still an embarrassment. I gave up my planned career in music because 'I looked silly'.

My life centered on paying our insurmountable bills and medical payments (for the most terrible diseases known to man that were totally untraceable and undetectable).

I was sinking and I knew it but stubbornness made me push on.

My job led me away for extended periods of time. Funny, but I would make friends, I would DO things. Wind of these friendships made it home so our spouses would try to be friends too. Inevitably feuds would break out back home and I was told that I really should be offended at my friends that were with me.

Across the world, I was still being isolated.

Leave it to say that my divorce was not caused solely by my transition. It was dead early on but was kept together out of stubbornness and futility.

And it left me in a state unable to hug, afraid to dance, and totally self-conscious.

I should have mourned my marriage. Even bad marriages deserve that. I didn't. I felt finally free! (Remember that 'I like breathing' thing? This is the point where I figured it out.)

I haven't been trying to recapture my youth or anything but I have been trying to recapture its flavor. In drama class, they talk of a little director that criticizes whatever you do (if you listen). I've been trying to get mine to shut up (it's not even in my voice).

I class this week, I had a bit of a breakthrough. For the first time in a long time I played. I had fun and I didn't care if it made me look the fool. I moved, I danced, I had FUN. People laughed but SO WHAT?

I feel like I am starting to finally catch my breath. I am REALLY liking this breathing thing.

When I do? Look out.

Decide

2006-11-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

The decision to live your life as a happy person is an easy one.

It's the execution that can truly suck.

Practice makes...

2006-11-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

Practice does not make perfect.

Practice makes permanent.

I was pretty much always a band geek. In High School even more so. Every year, the state or the region would put together an all-star band. For this, we had to submit a tape of our performance. Much of the structure was rigid, scales and such. We also had to record an individual audition piece.

I went to my private instructor with this task in mind. He was a judge of this contest for years and even though he would have to recuse himself when my tape was up, we could still work on it.

"It's easy." he said "Just play it perfectly."

Yeah. Right.

Of course this cued our delving into one of our philosophy sessions. This one was about practice.

"If you play something over and over and always screw up in the same place. Then you will ALWAYS screw up in that place. Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent."

With that, we talked about playing something so slow it was almost painful but play it perfectly note for note. Then speed things up. He pulled out a difficult piece that I hadn't seen before and had me attempt to play it at tempo. I muddled through passably but there were noticeable mistakes. He broke out the third movement and had me try again but this time S-L-O-W-L-Y. Slowly it was simple. Then he had me play it again, steadily ratcheting up the speed with each playing. It wasn't perfect but it was pretty darn good.

His point was made. About a week later I made my tape and submitted it. A month later I received notification that I got into the orchestra!

His lesson about practice has always stuck with me (of course the side lesson on how to edit the tape didn't hurt much either)

Yes. But...

2006-11-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

There are some basic rules in improvisation. One of them can be summed up by two simple words:

"Yes. But...."

When a circumstance is given within the context of the scene. It is accepted. It becomes 'canon'. Otherwise the scene can devolve into the Monty Python "I've come to have an argument" sketch.

"I've come to have an argument."

"No, you haven't"

"Yes, I have."

"No, you haven't!"

and on and on.

You see, there are ground rules for these worlds we create. The main difference is that we are writing much of the world on the fly. You don't have to dwell on the new facts - they are just there.

I'll never be a great actress. That really isn't where my passion lay. But I do try to collect experiences and try to get something out of them.

Accept and move forward.

Yes. But....

Cootie-file

2006-10-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

Why is there ever pushback from people about transition?

Why should it matter to them? It is not their life.

It is not a threat. Is it? Recruitment efforts aside - transition is not a contagion. There is not some rare Transsexual Cootie that someone will tag you with that you cannot shake off.

But the fact that transitioners exist at all forces some to re-examine their own lives. If we can be so sure that we would take such drastic steps. How do they know who they are? What events, facts, spirits can they point to that says "This is who I am. This is what defines me."

They look in the wrong places and when they do not see what they expect - they translate it as threat.

Try as they may they do not understand (comprehend, internalize, grok).

It is an unnoticed sense, that is ignorable because the inputs from it have always been in harmony.

Craft

2006-10-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

In the movie Ferris Buellers Day Off, Ferris often breaks the 4th wall and speaks directly to the movie audience. For this movie, this worked well for comedic effect. It was an intended breaking of the rules - a blatant breach of the contract with the audience.

Anyway, it worked.

If you've been reading this blog for a while then you will realize that I am taking drama classes. Supposedly, I am learning to act. My current class pertains to improvisation.

This is not a "Whose line is it anyway?" class. We are working on conflict resolution within a defined structure. One of the purposes is to help us to be more truthful and more aware.

I found the concept of the class a bit terrifying (I'm a structure junky) so, of course, I had to sign up.

I am enjoying myself immensely (but I am still terrified).

A concept I am beginning to wrap my head around is the difference between self-aware and self-conscious. Some folks in the class are so self-conscious that it almost makes me cringe. They are putting on a SHOW. They lapse into storytelling.

It feels like....say....you are the parent of a pre-schooler and you go to visit the teacher and the teacher talks to you EXACTLY like she talks to the children. It is a condescension that is not supposed to be mean but it is awfully annoying because it is so inappropriate.

Some folks in the class are in school productions. I really respect their willingness to get up in front of the audience in their various roles. I've yet to act in anything other than class.

But I noticed a very distinct division between the actors on stage. With many, I had emotional investment in their characters. I believed them. But with others, even with a massive amount of apparent effort, I felt like they were telling me a story and they were trying to sell it to me with every device they could think of. I felt like I was watching an actor and not something honest.

I'll likely be like the second group when I first get to the stage. I'm just wondering what the epiphany is like when you can cross that dividing line.

(note that I am still terrified)

Maybe in a couple of months I will find out.

The Second Bounce

2006-10-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself single after a certain age and are actively dating then there is a concept that you should learn to deal with.

The Second Bounce. The equivalent of the five second rule of dating.

Younger guys are great. They are fun. Most are full of energy. Many are very nice to look at. And that is great - for a while.

But some of us have issues with men we can legally adopt. At some point it feels a little creepy (I could have gone to High School...with...your...mother *eeep*).

Men closer to our own age, barring a solid, informal, all but permanent residency in their Mothers basement, have likely been married. If they are up to the dating scene again, they are on what could be described as the second bounce.

There is nothing wrong with that - to be sure. But you have to deal some issues that come with the territory.

1. The ex. There is a spectrum to the relationship here.

a. Still in love. This could be a challenge. If he dumps you at the slightest hint that they could get back together that is considered NOT GOOD.

b. Friends. Does he expect you to be friends with her too (Awkward!)?

c. Communication only for contractually obligated reasons (alimony, child support, raising of kids). More on this in #2.

d. Enemy (this can be combined with 1c).

Chances are that this woman will be in his life somehow. Watch for vindictiveness - sabotage. This can come from many perspectives. If this looks like it is going long term then, if they have kids, you will now be the 'step mom' (which is not an enviable place from what I hear). If they don't like each other and it looks like he will be happy with you then any chance at ruining his happiness may seem fair game. She knows what buttons to push with him.

2. Kids. Do they want their parents back together? Prepare for adolescent testing (this is something I became aware of as a teacher). Are you good enough for their Dad? What chinks can they find in your armor? Who the heck do you thin you are, anyway?

Okay, from this perspective, things are bleak. I've painted this as a war. It is a winnable one if your relationship with your man is strong enough. Of course if his wife died or they didn't have kids then the issues are completely different. Throw in an interesting biological history and the storm may get a bit rougher.

Once again. No real point to this post. Just felt like making a list.

Doormat

2006-10-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

I am a doormat. A target.

I try to hard to make people like me.

I suck up.

I try and do too much for people.

Do people like me more for this? No. It is expected.

Am I respected by anyone? Anyone??

Not in the least.

People just care about what they can get.

The things I waited years to be able to afford? Belittled, broken, and replaced with trash.

If I could, I would be far away from here tomorrow.

You know what? If they didn't need me as a resource - no one would care.

Still Alive

2006-08-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Just busy

School for FUN????

2006-08-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

If I stop learning and growing I feel like I am starting to die.

[insert hastily constructed analogy]

Life is like swimming on a slow moving river with a huge waterfall. One of your main goals is to avoid going over the falls. So, how to do that?

Swim.

It doesn't take much, the current is slow.

All you have to do is keep moving in the right direction. Stop, and the current will carry you to your doom.

[end hastily constructed analogy]

I like going to school. I enjoy learning new things. I dread/love expanding my comfort zone and horizons.

When I first went to college, I was concerned with making a living. Would I be able to support myself? I felt the pressure and it showed. Each test, each challenge presented me with a way to hopefully support myself. Conversely, it also exposed the possibility of failure and therefore NOT being able to support myself.

Real or not, I felt pressure.

Now, years later, I decided to go to school again. Not to pursue a degree. Not to make a better living. Just to LEARN.

If I fail, it is no big deal. I take the courses for FUN, for KNOWLEDGE. The pressure is off.

And you know what? I don't use my degree for my living. But I am learning and growing and slowly moving away from that waterfall. And really strange? My grades cannot get any better (MUCH different than before).

I am the very model of a modern Major Ge....never mind

2006-06-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

Many countries of the world are directly next to oceans or seas (bear with me on this one). These vase bodies of water supply food, energy, access and even potable drinking water to their peoples.

For these reasons, countries claim the waters surrounding their lands as being a part of their sovereign territory. By various treaties and conventions, a set distance from the coastline is designated as sovereign, other distances are acknowledged for sole financial purposes (fishing, oil).

No really, bear with me on this.

Some countries don't like the geometry of this arrangement and they started claiming distances further and further out. In essence, they were expanding the borders of their country further out into the ocean.

My God, is she going somewhere with this?

You would think that the world would raise a stink about this but the thing is, if no one challenges the expanded borders, they become real.

That's right. Countries yell 'DIBS' on some piece of ocean and if no one say 'nu uh', they get it.

So what other countries do is send ships. They don't fight anyone in those waters, they just go there. By tagging up in those waters, they erase the claim the expanding country has on that area. 'Freedom of Navigation' is the principal.

Oh, come on. Get to it, Anne!

I have been ceding ownership of my life away for a while now. I have not owned my own happiness. I am nearly apologetic for taking up space in the world. I have been meek and have been letting circumstances drive my life instead of setting it on the course of my own choosing.

I need to reclaim my own space again before my shrunken borders become real - permanent.

It is time I owned my life again.

(This bizarre analogy has been brought to you by the letters G, P, W and Phi.)

Language Lesson

2006-05-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of transition, people are hyper-sensitive. They listen for mis-gendered pronouns. They search for offense. It is almost like they WANT to be offended by people.

So, a language lesson.

"You guys." - Usually said in reference to a group. This does not mean that they believe that everyone in the group is male. In this sense, it is the same as "All y'all" or "You'ze guys". It refers to a group of people. It is NOT GENDERED.

"That is a guy." - this IS GENDERED.

"Dude, you don't really mean that." This leans towards being gendered but really is not. Women often say this to each other (at least in this part of California).

"I think that is a dude." - this IS GENDERED.

What I am saying is do not borrow trouble. Don't take yourself so seriously.

I know this post is basically a repeat - it beared repeating.

Have they even read it?

2006-05-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

I don't like delving into politics.

There is all this talk about a new Constituional Amendment. Anyway, I realized that I didn't know what all the other ones were, so I thought I would research them.

I found a copy of the Constitution at:

http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html

What is strange is that most of these are positive, giving protections and granting rights.

A few take rights away:

If you fought against the US you can't serve in office.

You can't have booze (they rethought this one apparently).

You can't be President 3 times.

Don't you love the fact that people are trying to enshrine discrimination into the Constitution?

Amendments

Amendment 1 - Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression

This one is pretty straight forward. One thing people leave out is the opportunity for a citizen to actually make amends for grievances.

Amendment 2 - Right to Bear Arms

This allows the right to own a gun.

Amendment 3 - Quartering of Soldiers

The military can't take over your house without your permission.

Amendment 4 - Search and Seizure

They can't search you without probable cause.

Amendment 5 - Trial and Punishment, Compensation for Takings

No double jeopardy. If they take your stuff, they have to pay you for it.

Amendment 6 - Right to Speedy Trial, Confrontation of Witnesses

Trials are to be fast and public. You can face your accusers. Supposedly they can't lock you up and forget to start your trial.

Amendment 7 - Trial by Jury in Civil Cases

You can have a jury of your peers (if you are dealing with something worth more than $20)

Amendment 8 - Cruel and Unusual Punishment

You can't be fined a billion dollars for a parking ticket. Apparently having you eaten alive by fire-ants is not acceptable either.

Amendment 9 - Construction of Constitution

The RIGHTS GRANTED IN THE CONSTITUTION cannot be used to deny other peoples rights.

Amendment 10 - Powers of the States and People

If it isn't specified in the Constitution, then it is a problem of the States.

Amendment 11 - Judicial Limits

I'm fuzzy on this one. It looks like the courts of one state cannot dictate to another.

Amendment 12 - Choosing the President, Vice President

The electoral college.

Amendment 13 - Slavery Abolished

No more slavery.

Amendment 14 - Citizenship Rights

This one has a several sections. It is kind of an interesting read.

1. If you are a born or naturalized citizen. Then you are subject to the laws of where you live. You are also allowed the protections of those laws.

2. The number of representatives for a state is dependent on a count of WHOLE people in that state minus the Indians who do not pay taxes. If men over the age of 21 are denied the ability to vote, then that number of representatives is reduced.

3. If you ever rebelled against the US, you cannot run for office. (I think this is a Confederacy thing).

4. Your Confederacy pension is still yours. But don't expect to get paid for your lost slaves.

Amendment 15 - Race No Bar to Vote

Your right to vote does not depend on your race.

Amendment 16 - Status of Income Tax Clarified

Mmmmm…income tax.

Amendment 17 - Senators Elected by Popular Vote

Two Senators per state, a popularity contest.

Amendment 18 - Liquor Abolished

No more EVIL BOOZE.

Amendment 19 - Women's Suffrage

Women get the vote.

Amendment 20 - Presidential, Congressional Terms

Think of this as a calendar of the school year for politicians.

Amendment 21 - Amendment 18 Repealed

That EVIL BOOZE thing? Maybe not such a great idea.

Amendment 22 - Presidential Term Limits

You only get two shots at being President.

Amendment 23 - Presidential Vote for District of Columbia

Washington DC counts as a state for the Electoral College.

Amendment 24 - Poll Taxes Barred

You don't have to pay to vote.

Amendment 25 - Presidential Disability and Succession

If the Pres goes away. Who gets the job?

Amendment 26 - Voting Age Set to 18 Years

If you are 18 and a citizen then you can vote.

Amendment 27 - Limiting Congressional Pay Increases

Congress can't raise it's own pay immediately. Pay raises take effect the NEXT term.

Ow

2006-05-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

I live.

My friends came through - big time.

My neck looks like I was both a victim of domestic violence and a failed mob hit.

So far, so good.

Frustra....an update

2006-05-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

Another friend has come though for me and I now have a ride home from the hospital.

Blissful Unconsiousness

2006-05-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

Sleep is a crutch.

Sleep is for the weak.

Sleep when you die.

Work til you are hungry. Eat til you are tired. Sleep until you have to go back to work.

I must not sleep.
Sleep is the mind-killer.
Sleep is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my exhaustion.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the exhaustion has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Lord, I am so tired. How long can this go on?

(I'm tired, can you tell?)

Frustra....never mind

2006-04-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

I am a little frustrated/disappointed/sad.

I like to think I am a decent friend. I take care of people when I can. I have opened my home to people when they recover from surgery. I visit during recuperation. I take days off work to make sure people have a ride to the airport or to their appointments.

I am having surgery in a couple weeks. The surgery itself is not a big deal, it is basically outpatient and I'll be back working at home a day or so later.

I have to go alone. I have to take public transportation for 2 hours afterward to try and get home (busses/trains/taxis). Last night my ride backed out (well, not backed out actually, more like "I can pick you up 8 hours after your surgery. Can't you kill time until then?".

I really don't cry that often but I feel a little abandoned.

Support....or something like it

2006-04-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

When I think about support groups, I get a pretty specific picture in my head.

I see the stereotypical television style AA meeting. People wandering in to a dim classroom at some community college or off hours at some high school. The chairs are hard and uncomfortable. Everyone takes a turn going around the circle and brings up their issues.

Why did this picture develop? I have been to meetings that are remarkably like this. How did they come to be? What purpose do they serve? I have only guesses.

When I first began my transition in earnest, my therapist recommended that I go to a local group. I heard about one nearby so I found out when they met and showed up one week. It was advertised as a 'Rap Session', an informal gathering but the rituals seemed very structured. The leader was a nice enough cross dresser, they tried to make me feel welcome. Anyway, one by one we introduced ourselves. Little tangents broke out from time to time but eventually we made it around the circle.

There was much talk about makeup and wigs. The majority had gone to a local nail salon prior to the meeting and had long 'dragon lady' nails applied. Almost without fail all were in dresses. Most were dressed much too young for their apparent ages. I went for several months, hoping each time I would 'get it'.

I never did get it. I usually cried on my way home - these people were so lonely. I am sorry to say I did not 'click' with any of them. I usually just felt drained.

From time to time this group chastised me. I never wore dresses to the meetings. I was boring.

So how did something like this come together? I have a theory or two. Think way back to the days prior to this newfangled Interweb. How did one find out about transitioning? How did you find someone to talk to? I am thinking that a psychologist was probably the answer. If enough patients from the same shrink had similar issues then it may make sense to get them together. I think the structure of the meeting probably follows something close to a group session that would have been led by a therapist or psychologist.

In general, the situation was forced. It was not an organic setup it was designed for a more centralized control.

So, is there a better way?

The Internet affords us communication. It is much easier to meet people now than ever in..well...ever. I think this gives people opportunity.

I have several friends who have transitioned. Through many means we have come together as a loose group. People come and go, not everyone can make it every time we get together. Discussions flow where they will. Transition is usually mentioned but it is by no means the only subject brought up. Some people force themselves away but no one is truly, absolutely rejected.

I think it is a better way to go. It is the organic structure as opposed to the manufactured. The group is a living organism.

When I leave, I don't end up in tears. I am not drained.

Anyway, I think it is a good way for things to be.

All Systems....

2006-04-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

Where have I been?

As usual, I am still here. I have had nothing angsty to write. There have been no highs or lows. Essentially, my existence has been event-free.

In short - boring.

I'll try to dredge for details.

I hit a decade mark, one of those annoying benchmarks with a zero at the end. As I do each year, I scheduled appointments with my Doctors for a yearly physical. Everything is fine. I am heavier than I like but..well....duh.

I went back to the endocrinologist. We discussed putting me on the patch and we did try it. To be honest I liked the medicine that way but hated the application method. I am apparently allergic to the adhesive so each week when I put a new one on, I would have a new irritated red area in the shape of the previous patch that would NOT GO AWAY.

I tried the creams he told me to try and he wanted to go to something stronger to deal with the side effects of the medicine change. A few days ago I finally vetoed the patch and went back to pills. I think it is silly to have to be cured from the medicine you are taking if you don't have to.

I am annoyed at the health care system. The endo also scheduled bloodwork for me and, in that bloodwork, he put in a PSA. The PSA is a test to see how your prostate is doing. So I had to deal with the lab techs loudly saying that I don't really need that one and them pointing the screen out to one another. Then, of course, the obligatory pronoun shift. Needless to say, I was not happy.

Anyway, at least I am healthy.

Isn't it strange

2006-04-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

That the words Bite, Suck, and Blow can mean the exactly the same thing?

*will post more soon - been busy

What does it feel like?

2006-03-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

This is inspired by an auspicious anniversary that just happened:

Origami is the art of paper folding. Origami starts with a sheet of paper, generally a square one. The artist takes this, the ultimate blank canvas, and manipulates it into wherever their mind leads. As a process it is almost hypnotic to watch, the creation of structure where before there was only uniformity. While many conventions do not allow cutting of the paper, some do. But even when cutting is allowed, its use is judicious and purposeful.

In the end, in the hands of someone skilled, you get art.

If you look at the paper and the end product, they are structurally very different. You may hold in your hand a fine, fragile unicorn that was once a past due notice for your power bill. At the most basic molecular level, they are identical but functionally they are very different. Nothing has changed at all, but the meaning has totally transformed.

Hold your hand out, fingers stretched. Now touch the back of your forefinger with a pencil. Remember what that feels like. Now clench your hand into a fist and touch that same spot. What was once the back of your finger is now considered the underside of your fist. The nerves never changed but the apparent function of the hand is totally different. The nerve was never severed and so you sense the touch in exactly the same spot.

It has now been several years since my own personal surgical origami. And do you know what?

It still feels like me.

The Brink

2006-03-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

If you are ever in a ship South of Austrailia, you can see the band of weather that surrounds Antarctica, the storms that essentially tell you 'God does not want you there.' It is a place where I saw seas that were so high that the furrows between swells could easily engulf the largest ships. Where if you turned the wrong direction, you would capsize and probably be dead within minutes.

I have been on an aircraft in the China Sea, dodging typhoons, and in that sunny calm space between, the waterspouts are too numerous to count but are beautiful nevertheless.

St. Elmos' Fire other than being that movie in the 80's, is a mesmerizing dance of electricity on the skin of an aircraft.

The water in the middle of the ocean is such a deep blue that it is really hard to believe.

If you are lucky enough to see a rainbow while flying, if the circumstances are right you will see that it is not an arch at all. Instead, it is a ring.

Before a tornado, the sky can turn an eerie green.

In the Southern Hemisphere, if you can get away from city lights, the sky is so full of stars that it can leave you silent.

Those are snapshots that I will have with me always. That is what life is, I think. It is a juxtaposition of beauty and risk, of spectacular experiences teetering on the brink of destruction. It is balancing on that edge as best as you can.

Isn't it worth it?

A Normal Quiet Life

2006-03-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

"I just want to live a normal, quiet life."

What is normal, anyway? What is quiet?

'Normal', as in typical? Fine. 'Normal' as in mundane? Thanks, but no.

'Quiet'?? As in 'no noise', 'no interaction'? Absolute quiet scares me more than the spotlight.

People are meant to deal with one another. They live, speak, yell, whisper, interact. If you are going to live your life devoid of human contact (or avoiding it adroitly) then you may as well live inside a glass jar with tubes sticking out of it.

Life is for living. If you don't mix peoples lives around once in a while, they just get stagnant.

Life is STRESS. And you know what? That isn't always a bad thing. Stress is what gets us to strive for something, to move, to GO AND DO SOMETHING. Even on the small scale, the stress of hunger drives us to seek out food.

I think it is stress that keeps us alive.

Take a couple that has worked all their lives, always stretching for that day of retirement. They had lists of things to do when that magical day arrived. The anticipation fueled them onward.

One day that couple retires and they DO the things they have been dreaming of. But eventually their list of things to do runs kind of thin. But what else is there to strive for? I've seen it happen many times and it saddens me - the day when a vibrant retired person gives up their goals and suddenly gives up and becomes old.

Live your life. Stretch, strive, and fight for your goals.

But always have somewhere else to go when you get there.

The Hunt

2006-03-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

I am not a serial-dater. My romantic life seems to come and go in waves. I get involved with wonderful men, we go out and have a nice time. But then both of our schedules get so swamped that we just don't see each other for weeks and the whole thing just fades away. No drama, no big break up, just the lack of continuation.

I think it's me.

I go out with friends and we go do the 'singles' thing.

It annoys me. They want to go to bars and clubs where I have to yell to be heard (my voice does BAD things when I yell). I am not good at small talk and I really REALLY can't dance. Yet every time we go out, my single friends are on the 'husband hunt'.

I am going to start doing what I want to do. My basic theory is this:

"Do what you enjoy doing. See who else is there. Chances are that they enjoy the same things."

It's a rough theory but I think it will pan out.

I don't have a biological clock. I jumped out of the gene pool. I do want to share my life with someone but at the same time I have so much I want to get done with my life OTHER than just hooking up.

Get out your decoder ring

2006-03-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

Perfect security IS possible. That is to say, there is a foolproof way to keep a secret.

Say, for instance, that Jane and Debby know one another and are in a room together. Jane has a secret. The path to perfect security of that secret is for Debby and Jane not to speak and to have Debby kill Jane before she divulges it. There is now no longer any risk of the secret being divulged.

Kinda harsh, eh? Well, a less harsh way to do it is that Jane just never tells anyone about it (sure, if you want to get all non-homocidal about things). For even more security, she forgets the secret herself.

Perfect openness is actually harder. If Jane wanted Debby to know she could just speak the words, tell her. That assumes that Debby can hear and that they speak the same language. A billboard? Methinks you are assuming both sight AND literacy here.

Time for that decoder ring now (set it to G9).

Now put Jane and Debby in separate rooms and assume that Jane WANTS to tell Debby the secret but that she doesn't want anyone else to know.

From lowest security and up:

Jane YELLS the secret to Debby. Anyone within earshot hears it.

Jane SPEAKS the secret to Debby. The range of people within earshot is lower, however Debby may not hear it.

Jane WHISPERS the secret to Debby. Chances are that Debby will not hear. There is a risk that someone nearby did, however.

Now, if Jane were to write the secret down and get it to Debby, that may limit the spread of information. Let's say she wrote it down and handed it to someone to hand to Debby. There is a chance that the person did not read it, so security is better that way. But unless Debby destroys the note, the secret can still be read.

If Jane and Debby had a language only they knew, then there is more of a chance for security. But languages can be translated, if you use them enough then context and simple repitition can ferret out the meaning.

Decoder ring. Now this is probably before the era of many of you. A toy that used to be given away in breakfast cereal or if you sent in boxtops or whatever was the SECRET DECODER RING. The concept was simple. Each letter in the English language was assigned a corresponding number or letter. The standard alphabet was displayed on one side of a ring and on an adjacent one, there was the decode.

The simplest ones had A,B,C,D....on the inside and 1,2,3,4 on the outside. If alligned to A1 then CAT would be 3,1,20. Setting the ring meant you set a certain letter against a certain number (hence my G9 comment earlier).

If Jane and Debby had decoder rings and knew what the other person set theirs to, they could have a secret message.

But there are ways to crack this too. In the English language there are patterns on letters, certain ones show up more frequently. Certain patterns repeat - a lot. A persistent person could crack it pretty fast.

So, what to do? Change the code for each letter. Use that code for each communication. But...if your code falls into the wrong hands then it is useless.

So change the code for each communication. Destroy it and the note each time.

Basically it is all just a pain in the rear.

Keeping a secret is hard, even when everyone wants to.

There is no such thing as a perfect secret once it has been shared. Does that mean it isn't worth trying?

This has been your bizarre post of the month.

A Villains Progress

2006-03-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

In a few days I will be hitting an annivarsary of sorts. It will be the 3 year anniversary of my giving a 'loan' (I hand over money with a promise to pay me back) that I knew I wouldn't be paid back for.

At the same time, I was being labelled a villain (by the borrower) and was in the process of being nastily outed to essentially everyone I grew up with.

Yet I put up with it?

Why? Guilt, I suppose. A little self-loathing and the end of a long relationship.

Actually, I let myself be cast as the villain. I was one because I accepted that role.

The Sinister

2006-03-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine recently came out to his family. During the build up to this event I tried to be helpful by coming up with another strange analogy. It turns out it wasn't needed (and it was too late) but here is the hypothetical conversation:

Skeptical Parent: "Fine, you have gay feelings but you don't have to ACT on them."

Reply: "You're right. I don't have to act on them. But that isn't what I am talking about, I am talking about who I am."

SP: "You are defined by your actions. Just don't act on your attraction to men."

Reply: "Can you try something for me? Can you (my left-handed parent) fill out this post card but write it with your right hand?"

Parent fills out a post card, it is awkward and looks really bad.

Reply: "Also can you stop using your left hand when you eat? Do you know how much easier life is for right-handed people? Everything is designed for the right handed. Did you know that left-handed people were once considered evil? If fact they called it 'sinister handed'."

SP: "It's not the same thing."

Reply: "Not exactly, no. But this is the point, you can force yourself to use your right hand but eventually you will get frustrated and switch back to the hand that you naturally feel like using. I can pretend to be straight like I have been doing for all of my life but it is not who I am. That will come through. This is not a question of actions but instead it is about something that is innate."

/end hypothetical conversation.

No conversation in the world would ever go like this but I thought it was a decent point.

PFA

2006-02-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

Much of my life has been a state of Perpetual Frantic Acheivement.

I don't know if it has been a depsperate bid for acceptance or a need to prove that I am still a useful member of society despite my unique condition.

I suspect that it is a little of both.

I was a geek in school, but I was an Alpha-Geek. I was not truly a loner. I was social - I was always the leader of some crowd. I had a lot of friends, some enemies. In general, I got along with most people.

But there was always the need to acheive - to prove myself. It was like saying 'See, transitioning isn't a way to hide. I am not doing it because I couldn't handle what life threw at me. Life I can handle. The transition remains.'

A Villains Journey (part 1)

2006-02-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

This will be a different way for me to post my bizarre ideas. Small bites.

No one wakes up in the morning and says 'How can I be a better villain today?' (Fine, prove me wrong and do that tomorrow if you want to).

Everyone is the hero of their own story.

Overt Ops

2006-02-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

My Overt-Activism is done.

That is to say, my going out, representing the 'community', phase of trying to help is no more. I've done my bit. I will no longer be the 'Professional Transsexual'. It is time for others to take those reins.

Does that mean that this space is going away? That I won't post anymore?

Nope - I will still share my bizarre philosophical ways with y'all.

It means I will not be on the Council at work anymore. I will not be in the workgroups. I will not attend conferences as a rep of 'T' (although I may still go to support as an 'A'). I've accomplished a lot but it is time to own my own life again.

Sorry. I realize that this makes me evil and all.

If it is any consolation at all, no one in my life believes me when I tell them this anyway.

Bebop of Memory

2006-02-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

Bebop is a style of Jazz that originated in the 1940's. Notable players included Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker (and many others). It is easily recognizable by rapid, many-noted improvisations based on the chord progressions of familiar music.

(Whoa, where is she going with this??)

I played bebop in college and I learned some basic tenets:

1. There are no wrong notes. Some are better than others, don't dwell on the not-so-good ones.

2. Don't dwell on the theory. Note that this is not the same as don't KNOW your theory. At some point you have to trust what you learned.

3. Hit the important notes. It takes suprisingly few notes to identify a tune. Try to hit the important ones.

4. Don't be afraid to drop a few. Some things are just difficult to play, some things, while important may just be distracting to the piece. So here is the thing - DON'T PLAY THEM. If you get the semi-important notes around it, people will actually think you did play them. It is like the really strong hint of a note. The term is ghosting.

If you read all the way back to the beginning of my blog, you will see that I went to my 20 year reunion. The sameness of the relationships really struck me and I think I know why.

We hit the important notes. We remembered our friendships, the events that we went through together, the shared jokes, the drama. I didn't dwell on the theory of how I was expected to act. I didn't sit on the wrong notes that I didn't want to hit (bringing extra attention to my transition). And I was not afraid to drop a few events that I didn't want to bring focus to. A couple people actually asked if I had dated their brothers back then.

Another Addiction

2006-02-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am not a huge fan of Reality TV. So much of it seems contrived - edited for maximum distortion for dramatic effect. In non-Reality TV I can respect that. Heck, I expect it. But Reality TV makes a point of telling you how REAL their show is.

Anyway, that being said....

I am somewhat addicted to a Reality TV show.

Beauty and the Geek is the 'brainchild' of Ashton Kutcher. The premise is relatively simple, take purely social beings (vapid variety) and make them interact with people who are social misfits but are more gifted in teh intellect department.

Sometimes it is like watching a trainwreck. The basic problem I see with the show is that the guys WANT to be more social but the women do not care if they learn anything on the intellect side of the house.

The moral of the show has a few aspects.

1. Develop where you are weak.

2. Proceed with confidence.

3. People are people - duh.

Yes, I have a favorite. (How do you track monkeys with lasers anyway? It seems like a RFID-like technology would be more efficient).

What do I find the most annoying about geek men anyway? It is hard to get them to stop being afraid to talk to you.

From Within

2006-01-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

I've felt a need lately to get creating again.

So, I am in the midst of a major geek project.

And I am writing again.

I think that effectively sums up my personality.

That is all.

The Elephant in the Parlour

2006-01-23T14:31:00.000-08:00

There are subjects that immediately eliminate discourse. People's minds are made up and emotions run high. Of course people are careful to frame their own viewpoint as the positive:

Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life

Marriage Equality vs Defense of Marriage

Protection of Civil Rights - Defend against the Terrorists (and what are YOU trying to hide?)

Anyway, Transsexuality is one of the subjects that tends to shut down people's ability to accept information. Maybe it's the buzzword aspect of it. You say the word 'Transsexual' and all they can hear is a sharp buzzy sound for 5 minutes.

So, here's a plan. Talk about it without using that word. I attempt that once in a while here in this blog.

I think a book of stories and essays about the subjects of transitioning could be a good thing ESPECIALLY if it avoids the main subject of the transition at all.

Think of it, stories about not feeling right in your own skin, about being forced against your nature, about the subtle issues of transitioning family dynamics ALL without mentioning transsexuality or having a transitioning character.

I know, it sounds stupid and pointless.

It is just an idea.

Cone of Confusion

2006-01-20T10:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am into airplane analogies lately....

While navigating an aircraft by instruments, you are essentially saying that you can get where you are going without looking outside. Your instruments tell you all sorts of things, from how level you are, are you climbing or descending, what direction you are heading.

You trust your instruments. They keep you alive.

All over the world there are various types of radio beacons (many, MANY different types). When you tune to a specific beacon, a little arrow in your plane points to it. This helps you navigate without actually seeing where you are going.

But, there is a problem. (isn't there always?). These beacons send their signals out sideways, not straight up. One moment you are flying along, directly to one of these beacons and the next, the needle swings around wildly.

This is known as the 'Cone of Confusion'. It really freaks people out the first few times they see it.

What do you do while you are in the Cone? If you panic, you can head off in the wrong direction, hit a mountain, who knows what? You may even try to keep following the needle that will forever keep driving you in a circle while you are in the cone.

In reality what you do is:

Fly Calmly in the same direction (eventually you will leave the Cone)
Dial up the next beacon.
Turn (using your compass) in something close to the right direction.
Refine your course, using the new beacon.
Repeat.

Sometimes if you are too close to your goals, you can get lost. You can panic and flail about in a pretty unseemly fashion. You may even end up circling within your own Cone.

Sometimes it is best to get down to principals.

Keep going in the same direction.
Figure out where you are going next.
Start doing what you believe it takes to get there.
Refine your path.
Repeat.

When Smurfs Go Bad

2006-01-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

Here is the situation - you are hiking, with a long journey in front of you, and there is some reason that you are not able to stop (pursued by cannibal hunters, wild bears, smurfs with attitude, etc.). Somewhere early on your journey you discover that there is a rock in your boot.

But remember you can't stop (killer Smurfs, remember?). The rock begins to annoy you early on. You try to favor the other foot as much as you can.

You just want to stop and take that rock out of your boot but you can't. You keep going.

The constant repetition is taking its' toll. The rock is starting to cut into your skin.

Still, you can't stop - Papa Smurf has an evil gleam in his eye (he's hungry).

Is the rock starting to cut through muscle now? Still you trudge forward.

Through a freak accident involving a freak windstorm, gamma radiation, and a bizarrely located Baskin Robbins, you find you can stop for a moment.

You gently take off the boot and remove an insignificant looking pebble. You bandage your foot, replace the boot, and continue on with your journey. Your foot is still tender but you aren't really in much (if any) pain.

[end of bizarre story]

Now class, for the questions:

- Now that the rock is gone and you can walk without pain, are you happy? Or are you just relieved?

- The amazing miracle that was the Baskin Robbins Rock Removal (31 Flavors and Podiatry?) has changed the timbre of your journey. Will the rest of the journey be a happy one now? (remember Smurfette, sharpening the butcher knife? *shudder*).

- Was the removal of the rock the purpose of the journey or just an obstacle that you had to deal with?

A Maze of Twisty Passages...

2006-01-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hate the jumbly mess that is my brain.

I usually have a point to make. Sometimes the point isn't so much words as it is an idea. In my head, most ideas are self- defining so finding the words to convey this fantastic point that I have (and I really do have one....somewhere....okay, there was this duck and it was near a subwa....never mind. Back to the point) finding the words is difficult.

So I try to break the idea down into little pieces and describe each point that I know I can convey. The problem with that is there is a tendency to get bogged down on the wrong aspect of one of these sub-points. Focus wanders.

So I try a different tack. I tell stories. The stories are not necessarily directly related to the point I want to make but rather to those annoying sub-points that I wandered off with earlier.

In a few cases this tactic is successful and it usually ends with people getting to the point I wanted to make and thinking they came up with it themselves.

More often I believe I am seen as someone who comes up with crazy stories all the time but can occasionally inadvertantly aim a conversation so the saner people can come up with a fantastic conclusion.

Wow, this must be what insanity is like.

Anyway, back to that duck.....

P.S. Please pardon the uber-geek reference that is the title of this entry.

Play-do and tin-whistles

2006-01-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

I love to create.

Why? Of course I have always had my theories but one idea has started to crystalize in the last week.

[begin rambling story section here]

I mentioned earlier that I have been a bit addicted to podcasts lately. It's true. But in the last week, I have been listening to music again, more and more.

Why? It makes me feel good. It makes me sad. It evokes the emotions, deep rich emotions that are so easy to get hooked on. I remember where I was when I heard something. I get that inward smile (that occasionally pokes through), that just feels GOOD.

I read many books over and over. Why? Same reason.

Movies? Same.

[end inordinately short rambling story section that really wasn't long enough to be considered rambling]

I want to share that feeling with people. I want to be able to evoke those feelings in people. I want them to know that feeling of basking in the feel of...well....whatever I am feeling.

When I look back on my life, I see this pattern. I was a band geek (I was the alpha-band geek). I have been writing fiction for years (nope, nothing has sold). I studied musical composition in school.

I started acting (the HORROR!).

So, back to my not-a-resolution, resolution (aka express joy). I think I know which way to go on it.

Geez, don't you hate it when you lost sight of something you love?

Don't Worry, Be Happ....nah, just Be

2006-01-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

"You transitioned to be happy. Right? So why the bad mood?"

Transition is such a momentous task, that everything in your life must be a reflection of it. At least that seems to be a popular theory. Every mood swing, every bad day, every happiness HAS to be a direct reflection of the fact that you have undergone this huge life-changing experience.

Here's a clue. No, it doesn't.

Here's the real shocker.

I didn't transition to be happy.

Oh sure, I am happy with the idea. I like the fact that I am no longer living in that other life. The world fits better now and so, in general, I am happy more often.

But I do not live in a state of blissful euphoria but my life is...well...just that - a life. I have ups and downs. Events happen (obvious statement of the day). I have my successes and failures. I laugh, I cry, I have good days and bad. Very little of it actually reflects the fact that I transitioned.

Especially near the beginning of my transition, people who cared about me were really trying to look out for me. I was somehow considered more fragile (they will all deny this now).

I did something during that time that was probably a mistake. I hid my bad days from people. When I was feeling down, or angry. The thing is, my days were never all that bad, I just didn't want to give people an excuse to say "See, transitioning is depressing you."

Looking back, I don't think they would have. This is so obviously the right path for me. I think it is starting to hit them that I didn't do this to be happy.

I did it to be me.

The Power Curve

2006-01-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

Behind the Power Curve - I really don't know how prevalent this saying is, I can't recall if other people say it or not. Anyway, in my ambling way, I will endeavor to apply it.

It is difficult to land an airplane on an Aircraft Carrier. You are in an aircraft that is travelling at well over 100 Knots (a knot is nautical mile per hour, a nautical mile is 6000 feet. Anyway, it is fast) and you are trying to land on a ship that is a couple hundred yards long and moving at about, say, 20 knots or less.

To do this, the plane lowers a hook on the back of their plane in hopes of catching a cable on the deck of the ship. They also slow down - A LOT.

The problem with slowing down an airplane is that, if you slow down enough, you tend to fall out of the sky (normally considered BAD).

So, if you miss the cable, because you are still moving slowly - you tend to swim.

What to do? Common sense says that you open up the throttles and take off again (remember speed = flying = life = good). Problem solved, right?

Wrong. It takes time to get airplane engines to speed up. The POWER CURVE refers to a graph of the speed needed to fly, how fast you can arrive at that speed and how much room you have between you and an abrupt lovely salt water bath.

To be behind the power curve means that you slowed too much, you have no way to get enough speed on the aircraft to keep it flying in the eventuality that you miss the cable.

This ends the geeky definition part of this post.

Okay, how does this apply?

When I used to go to a support group, often there would be someone there who basically just cut all ties and transitioned one day. No warning to anyone, no preparation, no plan. They just cut the power and hoped for the best.

Invariably these are people who lose their jobs, family, homes, friends. Often they lose all their resources and end up de-transitioned but in a much worse place.

Lesson? Look before you leap. Stay ahead of the power curve.

Nothing to See Here....Move Along

2006-01-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

What is it about an accident that makes people have to look? As far as I can tell that is the main purpose of watching NASCAR.

My Brother In Law was addicted to Air Shows (as well as NASCAR). He was so excited when he saw a plane crash right in front of him. You would have thought it was his Birthday.

UGH! Everytime I think about that I want to throw up a little.

Rain Gear and Spaghetti Westerns

2006-01-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago, I was at the local mall. I noticed a brightly colored display in one of the major department stores.

So, being attracted by bright and shiny things, I wandered over.

and was presented with PONCHO's of every color.

Good Lord, how stupid. Don't these people know that ponchos are for rain gear? Didn't anyone see 'Unbreakable'?

Are we supposed to go out and buy these silly things just because the Deity of Fashion vomited up this idea????

Yes, apparently.

I have held out. I still think they are silly and I kind of resent the fact that they took over EVERY SINGLE STORE!

"Welcome to Bob's Hardware! Nail guns are on aisle 3, fashion ponchos are on aisle 1"

Who makes up these rules? Are the fashion police on the take?

When I see ponchos I think of 3 things:

1. Camping

2. Clint Eastwood

3. Marty McFly

I don't see the appeal. Yet I know someday I will end up with one.

Sigh.

Lemmingly Yours,

Anne

In the Abstract

2006-01-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

It is much easier to hate someone in the abstract. I mean, hating a category is much easier to embrace than actual hatred of an individual person.

Is it easier to hate that 'Red State, Redneck, Pickup Driving Moron, who spends all his waking hours watching NASCAR and blindly votes for whoever/whatever his preacher tell him to?' as compared to 'Uncle Bob, who certainly has some awkwardness but in general has been pretty decent?'.

(From another angle)...

Is it easier to hate that 'Commie, Blue State, Pot Smoking Hippie Vegetarian, who apparently wants people to be able to marry their pet rabbit?' or 'Aunt Jill, who always remembered my Birthday even though we hadn't talked for years?'

Do I have a point????

Maybe.

When we go to war, we raise our ire against the abstracts. We reduce people down to an idea (it is much easier to kill them that way). In the US Civil War, it was not the person from the next county, it was Rebels and Yankees. During the Revolution, we fought the Red-Coats. We reduce people to one charicature of an abstract so we can focus on it and ignore the fact that we are talking about a real person.

In theory, I should have family that hates me. They are in the midst of the deep-south and bible belt. They are preachers and Elders at very conservative churches.

In the abstract we should be at odds with one another.

In practice, however, we get along.

How weird is that?

To Work On

2005-12-30T09:38:00.000-08:00

This is about as close as I am going to get to a New Years Resolution (at the moment, I may change my mind tomorrow).

Express Joy.

Yep, that's it. I am a pretty sedate person. In a group of people I barely know, I am likely to be the quiet one in the corner.

I am so self-conscious of my dancing that it is almost painful. I need to be able to let go - PLAY.

That's really what I am looking for - Play. I find it hard to let go and just have fun.

I don't know when I lost this ability or if I ever really had it. I don't remember exhuberent laughter as a child. I was always serious.

Imagination is not a problem. Really, it's not.

Maybe it was just because I was suppressing so much because I was afraid of the consequences if my secret was known.

Maybe I just never learned.

This year I am going to learn to play.

Home Away From Home

2005-12-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am with my family for the holidays. My parents no longer live in the house of my childhood but a rush of sense-memory hit me when I got here.

So, being who I am, I have to analyze it.

Blackberry Pie - Every Summer for the two weeks of the blackberry season, my family picked - like MANIACS. All weekend events were cancelled, all we did was collect a massive amount of blackberries.

You would think that the forced labor would make me go into convulsions at the scent.

Nope - they smell like home. My parents, every week, would make two blackberry pies. It was something they did together. (The pies were pretty good too)

Blackberries mean family.

Sunbreaks - Living in California has made me giggle at the sound of 'Sunbreaks' as a weather forecast.

Movies - lots of Movies - The genre of choice for my family is 'Tacky Science Fiction' (usually found at Blockbuster behind 'Sappy, Overdone Romantic Comedy'). This year is no exception. (this is the family that spent Christmas day a couple years ago watching all the extended editions of the Aliens movies).

Banter - In my family you have to dish it out as well as take it. God help the first Boyfriend I bring home. (By the way my Dad wins on the most staples ever fastening scalp skin together and thus has earned the title 'Zipperhead')

Sleeping in Front of the TV - Sad, isn't it? But that level of comfort is nice.

Anyway, I'm here now (which is, strangely enough, ALWAYS a true statement). I hope that y'all are somewhere like this too.

Where is the evil?

2005-12-19T09:47:00.000-08:00

Why are so many people afraid to say 'Merry Christmas'?

They say it is because they don't want to offend anyone - they don't want to push religion down people's throats.

Let's break it down, shall we?

Merry

Full of high-spirited gaiety; jolly.
Marked by or offering fun and gaiety; festive: a merry evening.
Archaic. Delightful; entertaining.
Brisk: a merry pace.

Christmas

A Christian feast commemorating the birth of Jesus.
December 25, the day on which this feast is celebrated.
Christmastide.

So, basically you are saying 'Have a happy December the 25th!' There is no 'You had better believe as I do or you will rot in hell for all eternity.' in the sentence. It is more like 'I am in a good mood at this time of year and I want you to be in a good mood too.'

It is merely a wish for a happy day.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

They all laughed at me

2005-12-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

It shocked me. It truly did.

I bared my soul and they laughed. Twenty people in various states of laughter - all directed at me.

I LOVED IT!

I haven't talked about drama too much this semester - I really don't know why. Anyway, last night was our final.

We were assigned a simple audition introduction:

"Hi, my name is Anne Barlow. I'll be doing a piece from 'Last of the Red Hot Lovers'. I'll be playing Elaine."

[Insert monologue here]

"Thank you."

We had the option of actually doing monologues for extra credit. We didn't really work on monologues this semester, we dealt with scenes and positive energy and 'knowing our instrument'.

There were about five other sections of the final as well.

Anyway, back to the monologue. I didn't need to do one, I didn't need extra credit. I did two anyway. The first was the aforementioned 'Last of the Red Hot Lovers'. When I practiced it with my roommates, they laughed. I didn't know if was an uncomfortable laugh (because why is Anne talking about sex and such things?). And for good measure there was a nice alliterative tongue-twister right towards the end (savory swordfish succotash - (EEP)).

Still I was a little taken aback by the actually laughing. This could really become addictive.

My second monologue was longer. It starts out with some funny lines but delves quickly into some heart wrenching stuff. It went pretty good too.

Dang it. Do I really NEED another addiction (counting trying to be as geeky as possible as another)?

This must be what drugs are like.

Threads of Life

2005-12-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

Are you the same person at ages 10 that you are at age 5?

You probably acted quite differently so who is to say that the 10 year old isn’t a completely different person from one who is 5?

Are you the same person at 15? 20? 30? What is the connective string that links the same person through the years?

When I transitioned I don’t know what people were expecting? Sure I had nightmares about their fears but I had no way of knowing what they truly expected. Were they expecting a bizarre stranger to suddenly be part of their lives?

Four simple words. There are four words that I used to explain things – to try and comfort those in my life.

I

Am

Still

Me

Seems pretty self-evident, eh? Kind of like 1 + 2 = 2 + 1?

People in my life braced for the worst – like prepping for a distasteful storm. I think most were a little surprised by how little change there actually was.

In short – I was still me.

Parents often talk about mourning their transitioning child. They have to deal with the death of their son and then deal with having a daughter (or vice-versa).

But who are they mourning??

I AM STILL HERE!!!

The mourn the relationship that they had – I think that is part of it. They try to supplant the whole thing with a brand new, fresh from the factory model.

The thing is – I have not really changed all that much. Sure, on the outside, things appear differently. But inside? I am who I was all along.

My wonderful brother bought me some movies a couple years ago. Chick Flicks all around. And not the Chick Flicks that I enjoy but the Lifetime-Movie-of-the-Week-Someone-is-dying-of-cancer-but-we-will-all-be-better-
people-for-it-and-don’t-we-wish-we-knew-who-we-could-have-been-all-along-without-
this-horrible-tragedy? The thing is I still like the tacky science fiction movies that I have always liked. He knows this but he assumes that I have changed this, the fabric of my being, essence of me. I think he is starting to understand.

I am still me.

Okay, back to the original thought, are we the same person at all those different ages?

Well, yes. Of course we are.

I suppose there are two ways we can explain the changes in personality as we grow older.

One theory is the child is the pure being, the essence of our personality. We are that child and what happens over the years is a corruption of that child, layering filters of societal pressures over that pure being so the core personality is barely noticeable anymore.

The other theory is that in a child there is infinite potential. All of the things that a person could be are in that child. As we age and experience life we hone that core self into what we are, chipping away and dropping off distracting parts (often with dire consequences).

A child is fuzzy with potential, age brings it into focus.

Breathe a sigh of relief, my friends (DAMMIT, BREATHE!). You have not lost your friend, your sibling, your child. That person was not erased out of existence. There is no cosmic white-out.

The thing is – I am STILL me.

Just more so.

and then.....

2005-12-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

I believe in challenging my comfort zone. To me that is the only way to grow.

I've been taking the drama classes for a bit now and I really enjoy it.

So, what next? Do I actually audition for a play? Or do I take a dance class?

Decisions....decisions.

Hide from the storm

2005-12-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was blustery, high winds and constant sheets of rain.

It is also my one free night of the week. Every other evening is accounted for so Thursday is the night where I can do what I want.

For the last week I have been begging my friends to see 'Rent'. I never saw it on stage but I knew I really liked the music and the story was based on La Boheme and it had something to do with people living with AIDS.

Everyone I asked refused, rather bluntly. Their excuses were varied and imaginative ( "I really HATE that song they keep singing!" was a favorite of mine). So, if I was going to see it at all before throwing on my Netflix list I had to go alone.

I did.

I loved it. During the second half I could not stop weeping.

Mock me if you will but you HAVE to see this movie.

We're Off to See The Rock

2005-12-01T14:55:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I was on a ship that was transiting the Straits of Gibraltar. We all knew that this could be a once in a lifetime chance to see both Africa and Europe at the same time so most of use made our way to the weather deck.

The wind was about 40 knots (AKA really strong). It was not a really safe place to be. A few of the women on board were quite small and really ran a risk of being blown overboard (this would be considered a BAD THING). So we all linked arms to keep the smaller ones from danger and generally supporting one another.

It's weird what memories a stormy day will bring, eh?

(Oh, we never saw Africa and almost missed Gibraltar altogether. Along with the dangerous wind there was astonishingly thick fog.)

There are better things to talk about

2005-11-30T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have had friends that, after years of knowing them, I have been outed to (wow, awkward sentence much?).

Rewrite that, I will.

There are people that I have known for years. I would consider them friends. After those years, someone has told them of my history.

Jeepers, the cat is out of the bag (also a strange saying, but I digress). Friendship over, right?

It didn't matter. Our friendship remains. But the subject NEVER comes up. If it did, we would talk about it but I think that we all agree that it would be opening a can of worms (cliche AGAIN) that would just be strange to talk about.

It's probably best that we keep the subject of how our genitalia changed from year to year to ourselves. (But maybe that is just me).

Looking T'wards It

2005-11-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

What is family? Is the definition related solely to a genetic linkage or a governmental contract?

Sure, those things are part of it but I sure think it gets deeper than that.

This Thanksgiving I spent in my home, with my roommates. Each of us prepared part of a meal, ensuring that we had the necessary items to designate the day as a 'real Thanksgiving'.

We flowed around each other in the kitchen, cooking the meal was a real pleasure. We watched movies and played board games. There was a relaxed comfort in our little family of choice.

So how did we end up as we are?

[Insert another rambling story here]

I worked with one of my roommates at my practice job. We were friends, we did stuff socially, we talked non-stop (to the point of getting in trouble sometimes).

Early in my transition, I helped a friend through the process of FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery). By helped I mean stayed by her at the hospital, held her hand, made her soup.

The first night after her surgery, she was miserable. She had a lot of discomfort, her mouth was constantly filling with blood, her eyes were swollen shut. She looked like a truck hit her and then backed over her to try and finish the job.

Her first words to me after getting out of surgery were "Don't do it." (she has since altered this assessment).

I was shaken, scared. I was upset that my friend was in pain and that she felt she had made the wrong choice.

Another friend stayed with her in the hospital that night, I drove home.

But I stopped by the store on the way home. I don't know why but I really needed to see my future roommate. When she saw me, she dropped what she was doing, rushed over to me and gave me a big hug.

It is what I needed. I cried on the way home from the store. It was a good cry - I was happy to have such wonderful friends. I realized that she was family. When she moved into my second room I knew it was going to be for a while.

A few months later she brought our second roommate into the picture and we all got a bigger place together.

We bicker, we chide, but we have a solid comfort together (all of us). All of us have our biological families in the picture still but, in our own way, we are family together as well.

In a few weeks I will be going to my parents house for Christmas. We will all putter around the kitchen. We will leave the SciFi channel on all day long and probably fall asleep after our smorgasbord type meal (all hail the comfy chair - no one dare risk it's clutches lest they lapse into unconsciousness!). A really close friend of mine will join us (as is becoming tradition), she fits in with us quite well.

I don't know if I have really defined family with this rambling post (but I think I have). To me, the relationships are self-defining.

I don't know if family really HAS to be defined - it just is.

Flashback and Sugar Rush (The Practice Job Part 8)

2005-11-23T07:57:00.000-08:00

Years ago, I was forbidden to cook.

It was not appropriate.

Well, let me revise that a little bit. I was forbidden to cook most things. What I was allowed to prepare can be best described as 'bachelor chow'. I was allowed to barbeque, grill steaks, make hamburger helper, etc.

That sucked. I love to cook (and I am pretty good at it). When I once again found myself living on my own, I ran with it. I was at the grocery daily, always trying new things. Some things worked and some didn't.

When I was young, I took on many of the cooking duties in the house. My Mother would tell me, 'If you want it, then go ahead and make it." She would teach me anything I asked. My Grandmother would chime in and teach from time to time as well.

Anyway, I loved to bake. It wasn't just the Zen of Cooking that I got into - it was the appreciation of those who ate what I prepared. My cookies became an often requested item in my own social circles as well as the social circles of my family.

Then, years later, I was informed that my cookies sucked (Is sucked the right word? it could be 'bite' or 'blow', I can never keep those straight). Everyone I ever knew that said they liked my cookies was just being nice to me. What they really liked was the cookies that were made by someone for whom it was appropriate.

Kind of devastating to hear, really.

Back to the practice job. It was my happy place, I loved it there, yada yada yada. Anyway, a standard crew worked Saturday nights. I don't know about you but there is something kinda of punitive about working Saturday night.

So I went out on a limb and started baking again. Each Saturday night I would bring in my latest confection experiment (often the dreaded cookies). If nothing else, the hungry college students that worked at the store with me would appreciate it.

They did and I discovered that the 'everyone was just being nice about my sucky cookies' comment was a lie. Some of my culinary experiments were very sketchy prototypes (the 'Frosted Sugar Brick' concept has fleshed out quite nicely now, thank you.) Not everything was always eaten (ie.the forementioned 'Frosted Sugar Brick'). But it was always appreciated.

And even better, I was not known as that 'Transsexual'. I was the one with the cookies.

I guess my point is, we can define ourselves, and we are not limited to being pigeonholed into merely medical categories.

Constantly Expanding

2005-11-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

I think you'll hear me say this over and over.

I am a HUGE proponent of constantly expanding social circles.

The gist of it goes like this.

You live in your me-centric world. You have friends, let's say four or five close ones. Everything you do is inside that world or you and your friends. It is nice, stable but a little bit insular.

What do you do? Go do something you enjoy. Meet new people. DO things with them. You now have two groups of friends. The groups may mingle and come up with all kinds of new configurations. But, instead of one circle of friends, you are dealing with two.

In any group of friends there is at least a little diversity of interest. The more people you know the more exposure to new and interesting things you will get. You may get to tag along.

So you try something new, you may like it and you may not.

The point is you are out there LIVING IN THE WORLD. You are taking bites of life, learning new things, DOING NEW THINGS.

I think that is what makes life more fun.

(annoying geek reference)
Infinite Diversity Infinite Combination
(/annoying geek reference)

Thanks

2005-11-22T08:09:00.000-08:00

It is easy to dwell on the negative aspects of life. I know I am guilty of it. I mean, how easy is it to list what is wrong?

So, in the spirit of the impending U.S. Centric holiday, I am going to list positive things in my life.

My family, both biological and situational. I am very lucky.
I have the best friends on the planet.
I am employed.
I am healthy.
I am learning something every day.
I have an addiction to video games that is NOT totally overwhelming my life.
My friends and family are healthy.
My personal activism is paying off big time.
I do not get laughed off the stage in acting class (neither are there awkward silences).
I am thankful that my family will still argue with me.

Life is good.

Day of Remembrance

2005-11-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

I attended the Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance in 'The City' last night.

I was impressed.

I know, I know - the Queen of Assimilation attends a T event???? The Horror!

But if I don't go then who will? If I don't think it is important enough to remember those whose lives have been erased then how can I expect others to do the same?

I could not, in good conscience, avoid it.

So I went. I saw the best in most of the participants. People were accepting, giving. Their souls went into this cause. It was a small group but there was nearly a solidarity among those their. The fallen were remembered and mourned.

I briefly met Gwen Araujo's mother, Sylvia. Good Lord, that woman is impressive. She lost her child, who was deeply loved by her entire family. She continues to fight for justice for an entire group and EACH AND EVERY TIME she participates, she is reminded of the brutal killing of her daughter. Yet she continues to fight.

There were those who were there for their own benefit as well. Some people can't stand to not be the center of attention for even a short time. People who do wonderful things but cannot put their own egos aside for even a few minutes, always waiting for the unintentional insult to dramatically react to.

And, when called on it, they pull out their stellar argument "I've been a transsexual longer than you."

Yeah, that really brings a group together.

Today

2005-11-20T02:12:00.000-08:00

I remember

Stampede

2005-11-11T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm running.

I don't know if I am running to something or away from something.

I'm not even running that fast. It's not a race.

But if I don't figure out why I am running then how will I know if I am at my destination? How will I know I got away?

Shock and Awe

2005-11-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

The question is how to break the news to those you deal with every day. How do you build up to the point of your transition being known?

Do you sneak more and more feminine things into your daily appearance? Do you eek out hints of your pending transition?

Or do you use 'shock and awe'? Do you suddenly show up to work one day in a skirt?

In the movie 'Normal' our protaganist tries the slow transformation approach. One day he wears earrings to work.

Was it a good idea?

There are advantages to either method - and disadvantages.

I think the solution is to keep it organic. I use the term organic in the sense of telling a story. Use what you have. In 'Unbreakable' the heroes costume isn't a leotard but instead is a poncho, that is used in its normal capacity to keep the rain off.

Avoid 'Deus ex Machina'. That is a term that is used to denote a bit of a suprise ending. The story procedes to an almost unintelligible tangle. At the end, clouds are lowered from the ceiling and the voice of God comes out and just 'fixes' everything - out of nowhere. (Deus Ex Machina literally means 'God as Machine').

Okay, back to organically transitioning. There are things you have to do, facades you have to leave behind. I say do it to an extent. Be true, don't put on a front. You don't have to tell everyone but let your self shine through.

You have to grow your hair out? Let it grow. You are taking hormones? Electrolysis? So be it.

What you don't want to get across is a bouncing back and forth. You can exude an air of instability. Try to avoid that.

Basically what I am saying is proceed to your goal. Don't force it.

(awaiting Alexandra's harp on voice in 5.....4....3...)

The Practice Job (Part 7)

2005-11-03T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, you may ask, if the store was your 'happy place', a location and society that left you more energized when you left than when you got there.

If it was, in fact, paradise.

The WHY DON'T YOU WORK THERE ANY MORE????

Good question oh fictitious curious one. I'm glad you asked.

I got tired.

As I have said before I believe in constantly expanding social circles. I go to school, singles events, date. I ran out of time in my days.

The store started to feel like an obligation. So I tried to quit.

I went up the the manager and said the words:

"I quit."

You would think that that would do it, right?

Nope. He just took me off the schedule. I still went back for emegencies for 9 months after I 'quit'. I can still go back today.

It was a magic time (Good Lord that sounds corny!). But it had to end.

I recommend it to all. I would do it all over again in a second.

[enter Doogie Howser pre-blog diary entry here]

I learned something that day.....
The only way....
to grow up....
is to...
stop...
[insert Blue Screen of Death here]
*Doogie swears*

Do you want to be famous?

2005-11-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

Do you want to be famous? Successful?

You do? Great!

For what?

I don't think I would mind it for Music, Writing, Programming, a Heroic Act.

I really don't mind if I am known.

But what I don't want to be known for is being the Transsexual version of each of those. It's (almost) okay if that is known but I would prefer to be acknowledged without the caveat.

Let my bio-history be an aside and not the focus.

The Practice Job (Part 6)

2005-10-31T10:11:00.000-08:00

I really did consider the store to be my 'happy place'. I would go in when it wasn't my shift. I spent more money there than I made.

Oh, here is one useful thing I used the store for.

I went 'Full Time' on a Monday and my FFS was scheduled for the following Monday. My basic philosophy was that everyone wouldn't have their imagination running wild while I was away for a few weeks recovering.

The Friday of that week, my Mother was coming down to care for me after FFS. She would also see me for the first time, ever.

There was a little stress involved that week (understatement warning).

So, back to Mom.

Mom was a bit worried about my life. I think she was worried that I was going to enter this fringe society and soon I would be jobless, and all my friends were in exactly the same position as me. I would not have any 'normal' friends (or at least any who weren't just making fun of me behind my back).

So I took Mom to the store.

I introduced her around.

I astounded her with the total normalcy of my life. I used the tone of my life to calm my Mother's fears.

It helped. It really, really did.

Knowing that you have a wide safety net is a huge help in getting others to support you. I think many people think that if they support your transition, they run the risk of being your sole emotional support.

That scares people.

Spread it out.

The Practice Job (Part 5)

2005-10-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

I fell into a pretty standard pattern. Get up, pretend to be a guy and go to work. Rush home. Change. Work at the store. Come home. Collapse.

Repeat.

The store saw me through my initial awkward stages. It was the place that I surrendered my crutches. I remember the torment I went through when I finally gave up the fall I wore to hide my short hair.

I was complimented on my new hair cut - that's it.

The store was my 'happy place'.

I originally had a two year plan before I would start my RLT. My timeframe was based on when I thought I would accomplish all the little tasks I needed to have done prior to Full Time.

In short my list was this:

No artificial hair.
No beard cover mandatory.
Enough money to live for several months without a job.

My parents wanted to add things like:
No debt whatsoever (something that would take 7-8 years).
10 year cooling off period.

(I took my parents input as advice-only)

There were a few more things on my checklist but they seem pretty minor now.

Ah well, The Best Laid Plans of Mice. Eh?

Six months after starting Part-Time I ended up going full time. Five days later I visited Dr. O for some facial restructuring. By the time my initial full time deadline hit, I was already all through with Genital Origami.

I would definitely recommend the checklist approach vs. a timeline approach to transition. In my mind, it is much more practical.

Next...the end of the Practice Job.

(To Be Continued...)

If this kind of historical entry is helpful please keep letting me know. It is difficult for me to write this much of my actual life events vs the conceptual stuff.

The End of the Age

2005-10-30T22:17:00.000-08:00

Daylight Savings Time is over again. Even with the 'Spring Forward, Fall Back' saying I still get a little turned around on whether or not I get extra sleep or not (in case you couldn't tell, I over-think things). In any case, I have moved my clocks back the requisite hour.

So I have come up with some silly analogies that resonate a little more with me.

I slept though that hour incorrectly, so now I have to do it again.

I am playing a song in 4/4 time and the composer stuck a 5/4 bar in, just to mess with us (apparently).

I had the most vivid feeling of Vuja De, that nagging feeling that I HAVE experienced this before.

The Practice Job (Part 4)

2005-10-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

My transition became pretty much an open secret at the store. Let's face it, they saw my whole transition from 'Aunt Martha' to some semblence of age appropriate style.

Still, it was not talked about in the open but I made the assumption that everyone had been told.

Every week, those who had the night off went bowling. The purpose of course, was not actual bowling, but instead an excuse to drink a little beer and be sociable.

That, and I suck at bowling.

We had a full spectrum of age ranges that participated, anywhere from 16 to 50-something. Age didn't matter all that much, we all got along and teased each other mercilessly.

One night, a few of were sitting at a table, waiting for our lane.

Jeffrey was (is) a lanky kid, in his early 20's. He is funny, goobery, and not always appropriate in his comments. He was one of those awkward kids in school. He was a lot of fun.

As part of our conversation Jeffrey started giving me a hard time (no, not about THAT). He was mocking me for being old, for actually going to the initial release of Star Wars (he is a HUGE Star Wars fanatic).

At one point I had enough. I needed to get him bad enough that he would lay off a bit.

I simply told him "I was just like you at your age."

Yeah, that pretty much did it.

The Practice Job (Part 3A - Drake's Law)

2005-10-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of a transition, many many people go through the phase known as 'Part Time'. This means living part of your life presenting as one gender and part presenting as the other.

How the heck do you get away with it?

The chances of being discovered are far too high? Aren't they?

I will now go into a geekish subject area. I'll try to not let your eyes glaze over.

The Drake Equation is an attempt to determine the number of extra-terrestrial civilizations that we could come in contact with.

This is the equation:

The Drake equation states that:
N = R* x fp x ne x fl x fi x fc x L
where:
N is the number of extraterrestrial civilizations in our galaxy with which we might expect to be able to communicate

and

R* is the rate of star formation in our galaxy
fp is the fraction of those stars which have planets
ne is average number of planets which can potentially
support life per star that has planets
fl is the fraction of the above which actually go on to develop life
fi is the fraction of the above which actually go on to develop intelligent life
fc is the fraction of the above which are willing and able to communicate
L is the expected lifetime of such a civilization

What this boils down to is a series of factors that each independently add a major portion to the equation. If the expected lifetime of a civilization is too small, for instance, no one will live long enough to communicate with anyone else.

So Geekette, you ask, how does this apply?

You! In the back row! Kindly stay awake!

Think of the factors that apply to your social circles.

How many social circles do you belong to?

How many people are in those
circles?

Where are they located geographically?

How large are
the social circles of each person you deal with?

How far from a given
area is a person likely to travel?

How noticeable are you (in any
circle)?

How many people are you dealing with?

If you are in a town of 200 people, the chances of keeping your lives quarantined from each other are next to nil. In a larger city, however, there is potential.

If you don't know all that many people the risk factors are lower. If you are the CEO of your company, it becomes much much harder. (ask me about Camp Counselor Syndrome)

If the towns in your area are relatively self-contained then people don't have to travel to the next town to get what they need. If there is only one mall for 300 miles then.....

If you are one of the invisible people (non descript) then you may work with people for years and they still don't know your name.

What I am saying is that you have to adjust what you can to make the equation work. If you are well known, you may have to move part-time further away. You may have to work at being non-descript (How? I have no idea).

Schools have cliques but they also have those who travel between social circles. There is a huge chance that your second life won't stay all that low profile for long.

So, if you apply your analysis of your situation right, the chances of being discovered are astronomical, right?

They get better but remember, someone always wins the lottery eventually.

Know what you are going to do if, even after all your consideration, the circles of your lives intersect.

The Practice Job (part 3)

2005-10-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

It was a little disconcerting, living at least two different lives.

Trying to quarantine them from each other was bizarrely simple but it took a little thought.

First, I got a cell phone. The cell was exclusively Anne's. The home phone was exclusively Andy's.
The bookstore was 40 miles away from my regular job.
No one expected me to have a second job.

Thus began a time of my life that was both euphoric and exhausting. I worked a full week at my main job and then up toe 30 hours at the store.

Like I said - exhausting.

I worked at letting go of the male facade.

Did I screw up? Sure. Customers were respectful, I can't think of a truly bad experience that I had there. At least nothing unbearable.

Sure there was the little girl who asked "Mommy, why is that lady's voice so funny?"

And the gentleman who, after I helped at the register, went to the cafe and told me friend how 'Nice the Lady-Gentleman' was a few minutes before.

And I loved the job. I remembered obscure books that I saw on a shelf the week before. I fought with the search engine for the in store inventory. I taught the management how to use a spreadsheet.

I had friends and I was beginning to have a life.

(to be continued)

is any of this interesting?

The Practice Job (Part 2)

2005-10-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

So I took the bookstore job. I had only a few goals:

Deal with people.

Be Social.

Practice things like voice and learn how to dress appropriately.

Not Scare Children.

No mixing of people who knew me 'before' with people I just met.

I didn't really expect to make friends that easily. But after my 2nd day I found myself invited to Bowling, Movies, Parties etc. My social calendar was really full!

I dressed horrendously! I was a bizarre mix of soccer mom and 80's high schooler. I learned quickly.

My voice sucked. I had a bag of cough drops with me all the time.

The basic philosphy I still think was a good one. Do retail - you see people for 5 minutes at a time then THEY GO AWAY. If you screw up bad enough then QUIT.

Except for a complete lack of sleep, the experiment was a success.

(to be continued)

The Practice Job (Part 1)

2005-10-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

There are threshholds to transition. One for me was the beginning of 'part-time'.

'Part-Time' is a bit of a misnomer, I am my self all of the time. PT makes it sound like an after school job.

Funny thing, it kind of was.

My first real attempts at presenting as female were kind of sad. REALLY sad. My hair was short but growing out. I had a dark beard shadow and a heavy brow bone.

My initial attempts I refer to as my 'Aunt Martha' stage. I had a full wig, dermablend, and I wore costume glasses to attempt to hide my brow bone.

It was kinda sad really. I was a bit scared about how I was going to be seen for the rest of my life.

But, things progressed. My hair grew out enough where I could get by with a fall. I did 3-4 sessions of laser on my face. I combed my exposed hair forward into what could only be described as a 'wall of bangs'.

More or less, I passed.

I didn't tell anyone at work about my impending transition. I wanted to reduce the shock value.

I wanted to keep my job (mainly I wanted to keep money coming in).

Just for the experience of getting out in the world, I applied for jobs.

Namely, I applied for two jobs - in retail. Worst case they would mock me. Best case is that I get some experience dealing with people.

I was a little shocked when each place offered me a job. The jobs were a bit different, a womens clothing store and a book store.

I wanted experience dealing with both men and women so I took the job at the bookstore.

That created a whole new set of obstacles.

(to be continued)

BREATHE DARNIT!

2005-10-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

When the emotions are flying and it seems like you just have to lash out and DO something, please do me a favor.

Don't.

Unless someone's life is on the line. Don't.

I don't mean someone's emotional life (I am thinking of the teenager 'My life will be OVER if I don't get to go to the party!').

If the decision is so Earth shattering then it can probably wait a minute.

Think.

Breathe.

Think some more.

Do NOT quit your job. Do NOT lash out at your boss. Do NOT start your RLT while active duty in the Navy in a Submarine in the middle of the North Pacific.

Breathe.

Think.

Plan.

Give yourself some time to catch up with your own decision.

Unless your life is in danger then don't decide to move out of your home and live in your car.

Just take a step back and breathe awhile.

Okay?

The Extremes

2005-10-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

I've been following some discussions on the extremes that some transitioners demonstrate. It seems that many transitioners practice hobbies that are considered hyper-masculine and then, when they transition, tend to the hyper-feminine.

If you jump feet first into a pool from a height, your plummet does not stop at the surface of the water. You sink well under the surface. Say you plunge ten feet under water. Do you stay at that depth? No. If you have the requisite level of buoyancy in your system (fat/air/swallowed pieces of styrofoam) you begin an ascent. If you do not move, your body finds its natural level of buoyancy and stays there.

In many ways, transition is like jumping into the water from a vast height. Some people rebel against their identity, they compensate by trying really hard to keep to a masculine ideal. When they jump into transition, they feel they need to leave all of that behind and try to embrace an uber-girly stereotype.

Everyone needs to find their own point of buoyancy - it takes time.

Why do some hold onto stereotypically male hobbies? For that we have to think of why they got into them in the first place. Take cars, for example (not one of my vices but one I have seen). In a little boy, interest in cars can truly be encouraged. Handing wrenches to Dad, learning how things fit together. Making something work. There is a level of acceptance built into the practice. For little girls, it has been seen as odd. The practice was discouraged.

If you are encouraged to do something and an adult takes the time to teach you, you tend to get better at something. People prefer to succeed rather than fail. Success gives you a feeling of accomplishment. You link the hobby with that feeling - it becomes something that gives you comfort.

There are Natal Women who enjoy working on cars. True, they are rare but they do exist. The practice in itself is neither male nor female. Why would you give something up that you enjoy just because it doesn't fit the typical norms?

I suppose in my usually roundabout way is that each of us has to find their own equilibrium. We each need to find the life we are most comfortable in.

So Endeth the Ramble

A new addiction

2005-10-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I purchased my first iPod (not my 1st MP3 player, just my first actual Apple product). The reason for the purchase (other than it being really, really cool looking) was to support my new habit.

Podcasts.

I know, I could play the infernal things on my old MP3 player. But I found it really annoying that it wouldn't save the place I was at and I spent 10 minutes of my drive home holding the Fast Forward button just to get to the place where I left off. IPods will save my place.

Anyway, back to Podcasts. They really are neat. You pick and choose what you are interested in and download what is essentially a radio show and listen at your leisure.

I am SO addicted.

I can see a couple problems with the concept, though. One is the isolation of the information. The 'casts cover one subject and cover it pretty well but there is no DIVERSITY in the content. 'casts tend to isolate us in a world we already know. What about broadening horizons?

What about that little side note out of left field that inspires something in you? Sanitized specialized information tends to eliminate all that extraneous information. Every once in a while it is good to throw something new into the mix.

Another problem is real time information. News and traffic. Everything is delayed.

Yet another problem is interaction. Sure you can call in and leave questions or comments but with a radio program there is always that small chance that I will be riled or inspired enough to call in and talk with the hosts. With the delay of a 'cast, that real time information is virtually impossible.

Still, I am willing to take the downside because of the upside.

I am truly, madly, deeply hooked.

Over the rainbow

2005-10-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

"I know this would be better if I were post-op."

Post op is the Holy Grail for many, many transitioners.

One day you are being wheeled into surgery and the next the sun will be brighter, your teeth whiter, puppies and bluebirds will follow you around, and all your clothes will have that fresh, just washed smell.

Right?

C'mon, RIGHT???

In reality not much changes. If you heal quickly and regain your mobility right away, most people won't even know (barring those of you who live in nudist colonies).

An MTF individual will add a new personal hygiene chore to her daily routine and you HAVE to be sure there is always TP when you have to go to the bathroom.

Life goes on. Your personality doesn't magically change. If you were a shy wallflower before then, sorry to say, that probably won't be any different.

What does change?

Legal identity and SOME level of protection if you decide to get naked with someone.

Oh, and sex - that changes quite a bit.

So why do people expect the big difference?

The legal and safety factor play a big part. You now have the potential to shoot down any challenge to your gender.

"Do you have a penis?"

"No, but I keep my boyfriends' testicles in my purse. Why, did you lose yours?"

"No no no. DID you have a penis?"

"Yes, didn't I mention the boyfriend?"

Getting the body in sync with the mind can improve your confidence but it won't change your personality. At least it shouldn't.

Believe

2005-10-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

Chromosomes

their existence and function

are a matter of FAITH

Mind Tweak

2005-10-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

It is absolutely impossible for you to change someone else's mind.

The process of thought is the ultimate solo flight. You are in your mind alone (hopefully).

You can alter someone's actions but the impetus to change those actions comes from within the person performing them.

You can argue, cajole, threaten, confuse, instruct, plead. But the only actual change comes when that person takes all of the input of their lives and convinces themself to think another way.

Thought change is result of processing. All you can do is provide people with all the tools they need (plus argue, cajole, threaten, confuse, instruct, plead) and let it happen.

You can't hold someone accountable to their thoughts.

Actions, however, are a different story....

Hit it with a hammer

2005-10-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

There are two ways to get something done.

First is the skillful way, a way of finesse that takes into account all of the minute details. The resulting solution is a thing of beauty in itself, worthy of praise and admiration. All hail this solution, the archetype of problem solving!

The second (and more common) way is to hit it with a hammer.

Case in point, a computer program. You have a wonderful design, you know what each part is supposed to do.

You take input A and give back result B.

You are sure there is a wonderful way to get from A to B. A single line of code that is staggeringly powerful and beautiful.

But you can't figure it out. You search the online forums, beg from genuises you know. Offer a ritual sacrifice but STILL the elegant solution is nowhere to be found.

But you know it exists. Even if you do find it in the end, your search will have taken weeks.

Hitting it with a hammer is the process of breaking it down and writing a hundred lines of code that does exactly the same thing (albeit messier and maybe less efficient).

"Mongo like programming."

In another example you are in a foreign country where you do not speak the language. You have accidentally broken your hand and you need medical attention.

Do you study your guide book and put together a treatise on how excruciating the pain is, how silly you feel about how the accident happened, how your Mother had warned you to wear clean underwear?

Do you not do anything until you have this beautiful essay ready?

Or do you walk up to someone who looks like they might know the area and hold up your bloody, shattered hand and say the local equivalent of "Hospital. Please. Ow."?

It's time

2005-10-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

Hiatus

But a point to think about before I go.

There are two people 'A' and 'B'. Each has their own goals.

'A' wants 'B' dead.

'B' wants to stay alive.

What's the compromise? 'B' only gets mortally wounded?

Compromise is not always a good answer.

Cutting Cheese in Elevators

2005-09-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

I don't pass gas in public (pick your euphemism of choice)

I don't 'drop trou' in the middle of the street and urinate.

I don't belch in people's faces.

On a good day, I try not to wander down the street with a bloody axe saying 'Here kitty, kitty.'

I wear deodorant.

I tend to wear clothing while I am among...well....people.

I obey traffic laws (more or less, this IS California).

Okay, the big question....

WHY?

We live in society. Human beings are social creatures and, if we are to be accepted by our society, we agree to certain behaviors. What happens to people who break these rules? Are they kicked out of society? As a rule, no. But life as a social being is simpler if you do (no matter how much you hate cats). If you break these rules enough, then you eventually end up in a different society - one that more closely fits your own set of rules.

Where do the rules come from? They evolve. They are taught by parents and peers. They are learned through experience.

Yes, I believe in assimilation to a certain extent but not through being 'fake'. My actions are my own, not pretense. I have changed my voice (duh, I do harp on that one) but that is more like 'not shouting in church'. I do what is appropriate to my social situation.

Are those who fit in another society BAD? Are they WRONG?

No, it's just different.

Diabolic Report

2005-09-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

Unless it affects me I could really care less about how people live their lives.

Stealth, Out & Proud, Genderqueer, Republican, WHATEVER.

You live your lives and I will live mine. I will decide on how to live mine. This blog outlines some of my ideas, some of which I will follow and others that I won't.

If people want to learn from what I have done then great, this blog is successful. If not then I am sure you have moved on by now.

Please note that I have, mainly by my own choice, NOT lived my life in stealth. If you read my earlier posts then you will understand why.

I believe in being who I am - WHOEVER THAT IS.

Yes, I have trained my voice. I have found that the jarring difference between visual and audio perception of a person is distracting so I have chosen the route of vocal training.

No, I do not tell people of my 'function' up front. It is none of their business. If the situation calls for it, I will tell.

The point of the 'Halo Effect' post is that people rely strongly on their first impressions. You are not screwed if you don't 'get it right' when you first meet someone. But their initial perception of you is different. Specifically, I was thinking in the terms of pronouns. If someone perceives you as male when they first meet you, it takes effort for them to switch that to 'female'.

Peoples perception of you is strongly influenced by their expectations.

If you want to go by 'shim' or whatever. So be it. I don't care.

Do good.
Protect the weak.
Do what you need to do and try not to hurt others on the way.

By assimilating at all I am evil.

Because I don't wear my former genitalia on my sleeve (don't ask me the logistics of THAT - sounds disturbing), I am a liar.

I got it. I understand. Point made.

Good on you for that newsflash.

The Halo Effect

2005-09-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

(I am paraphrasing this story)

A researcher took two elementary school classrooms, each with students that were roughly equal in capability.

A teacher took on both classes. One class, she was informed, was filled with not-so-bright students who had discipline problems.

The other, she was told, was the honors class, the students in the class were the best and brightest of the school.

Two weeks after starting to teach these students, she was asked to describe the classes.

"The first class was a nightmare. They were always interrupting, they didn't grasp the material very well, discipline was a real problem."

"The second class was really fun. The students participated and really got into the material. I had no problems with them at all."

When told of the experiment, she was a little upset. Obviously, the students were fundamentally different. Look at the test scores! Listen to these problems we had!

What this concept is, is the Halo effect. It is also known as first impressions. If your initial assessment of someone is positive, then any negative thing they do is considered the exception. Likewise, if you have a bad first impression, you are less likely to give that person the benefit of the doubt.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Don't you think it applies to transition?

A note to those giving presentations...

2005-09-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

If you are giving the standard Transsexual 101 class (which is usually reserved for schools or the education of workplaces) there is one thing I must ask of you.

If you are going to try to stun the audience with 'the voice trick' (dramatically shifting your voice back into a male register) then MAKE SURE THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

I recently attended a meeting where someone was giving the TS 101 talk and attempted this and I really could not tell the difference. This was a woman I respect very much and the talk was top notch.

But there is nothing I can say, nothing I feel is my place to say. Her wife was there, maybe she should say something.

Also, I must warn people that the voice trick loses potency over time. It is far less stunning/amusing each time you invoke it.

Delicate Questions....

2005-09-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am asked the question about my friends who have transitioned:

"Is she pre-op or post-op?"

I normally try not to answer this question, it is really none of my business.

The other day someone asked me this and I realized something.

I don't know and I don't care if I know.

What does it matter to people, really? Unless you are going to have sex with them or maybe if you are their Doctor it would matter. But to everyone else, every day? ANY day?

Who the heck cares?

Language Lesson

2005-09-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

A note on my use of language.

Y'all - Another form of the word 'You'. It is a contraction of 'You All'. Other variation involves the use of the term Youze(sp).

Are y'all going out with him tonight? (translation: 'Are you going out with him tonight?')

All Y'all - Is the plural form of Y'all. It refers to a group of people. Other variation involves the term Youze Guys.

All y'all come on down here. (translation: 'You, that large group up there, come here')

This ends the public service announcement.