Social Cowardice

Okay, I am EVIL.

Fine.

Got it.

Check.

The question is…why do I believe in assimilation? Why do I not reveal my 'function'? Why do I avoid the 'Transgender Woman' label?

From one group it is considered cowardice from another it is deceit.

Cowardice, I suppose, is the sin that I will own up to. That's the easy answer anyway. I fear violence. I fear rejection. I fear harassment.

I fear being alone.

Ah, that's the big one – alone. Often, the people that tell me I should be out are the transitioners who are NOT alone. For the most part, they remain in committed relationships with special women in their lives. I think it is wonderful that they have someone. They are truly blessed.

So, what am I worrying about? I mean, I have some wonderful folks in my life. I have great friends who have accepted me. I can't think of the last time that I had a negative reaction to my transition (it's back there, somewhere).

I suppose it has to do with whom I am interested in romantically. You see, I like men.

Men are funny creatures. They say women rely on their social structures heavily. Well, men do too.

They vie for their placement within their community of men. A social faux pas and their status is lost.

(Unless I insert a caveat here, I will get into trouble for seeming homophobic.
When it comes to who I am attracted to, sexual orientation does not play into
it. I am attracted to relatively masculine men who are confident in themselves.
The point is, gay men are not interested in me romantically, I don't have the
right equipment and, quite frankly, they aren't into women. Now back to the
sentence that could have been inflammatory).

A major social faux pas for straight men is appearing to be dating/attracted to/in love with another man. The stigma against this is strong. So strong, in fact, that the fear of falling into this social death will override any actual attraction they have towards someone.

That is what I am up against. I have to get beyond that social barrier so they can see the truth. To do that, I don't reveal myself up front. Because we aren't dealing with that social barrier, we have a chance to get to know each other first, before the wall has to be breached.

Basically, I want him to know me before he has to deal with my 'function'. I believe that if I deal with things in that order, he has a chance at making an informed choice.

Maybe someday it won't matter. I pray that it will someday be that way. I don't see it happening soon. In the meantime, this is how I am dealing with it.

So, I suppose that means I am evil - A social coward.

I'm in a closet, but the door isn't latched.