Threads of Life

Are you the same person at ages 10 that you are at age 5?

You probably acted quite differently so who is to say that the 10 year old isn’t a completely different person from one who is 5?

Are you the same person at 15? 20? 30? What is the connective string that links the same person through the years?

When I transitioned I don’t know what people were expecting? Sure I had nightmares about their fears but I had no way of knowing what they truly expected. Were they expecting a bizarre stranger to suddenly be part of their lives?

Four simple words. There are four words that I used to explain things – to try and comfort those in my life.

I

Am

Still

Me

Seems pretty self-evident, eh? Kind of like 1 + 2 = 2 + 1?

People in my life braced for the worst – like prepping for a distasteful storm. I think most were a little surprised by how little change there actually was.

In short – I was still me.

Parents often talk about mourning their transitioning child. They have to deal with the death of their son and then deal with having a daughter (or vice-versa).

But who are they mourning??

I AM STILL HERE!!!

The mourn the relationship that they had – I think that is part of it. They try to supplant the whole thing with a brand new, fresh from the factory model.

The thing is – I have not really changed all that much. Sure, on the outside, things appear differently. But inside? I am who I was all along.

My wonderful brother bought me some movies a couple years ago. Chick Flicks all around. And not the Chick Flicks that I enjoy but the Lifetime-Movie-of-the-Week-Someone-is-dying-of-cancer-but-we-will-all-be-better-
people-for-it-and-don’t-we-wish-we-knew-who-we-could-have-been-all-along-without-
this-horrible-tragedy? The thing is I still like the tacky science fiction movies that I have always liked. He knows this but he assumes that I have changed this, the fabric of my being, essence of me. I think he is starting to understand.

I am still me.

Okay, back to the original thought, are we the same person at all those different ages?

Well, yes. Of course we are.

I suppose there are two ways we can explain the changes in personality as we grow older.

One theory is the child is the pure being, the essence of our personality. We are that child and what happens over the years is a corruption of that child, layering filters of societal pressures over that pure being so the core personality is barely noticeable anymore.

The other theory is that in a child there is infinite potential. All of the things that a person could be are in that child. As we age and experience life we hone that core self into what we are, chipping away and dropping off distracting parts (often with dire consequences).

A child is fuzzy with potential, age brings it into focus.

Breathe a sigh of relief, my friends (DAMMIT, BREATHE!). You have not lost your friend, your sibling, your child. That person was not erased out of existence. There is no cosmic white-out.

The thing is – I am STILL me.

Just more so.