Science of Breath

In general, I am a big fan of breathing. No, really.

When I was young, I was expressive. If I felt like it, I would hug (I admit it, I was a hugger). I was, for the most part, pretty sedate but I was loyal to my friends and they to me.

I danced. I probably looked like a fool but I had FUN. I joked around with folks. I wasn't gregarious. I had issues but in general my life was not awful.

In college, mainly because it seemed like the thing to do, I got married. I married someone with a sense of propriety. Someone with such a strong opinion on how people should act that I changed.

My friends, I was told, were not really my friends. Hugging ANYONE was inappropriate. My dancing and humor? An embarrassment.

My world shrank down from a fun place teaming with fun people down to one...single...person. That person expressed their love of me (and only they loved me) but I was still an embarrassment. I gave up my planned career in music because 'I looked silly'.

My life centered on paying our insurmountable bills and medical payments (for the most terrible diseases known to man that were totally untraceable and undetectable).

I was sinking and I knew it but stubbornness made me push on.

My job led me away for extended periods of time. Funny, but I would make friends, I would DO things. Wind of these friendships made it home so our spouses would try to be friends too. Inevitably feuds would break out back home and I was told that I really should be offended at my friends that were with me.

Across the world, I was still being isolated.

Leave it to say that my divorce was not caused solely by my transition. It was dead early on but was kept together out of stubbornness and futility.

And it left me in a state unable to hug, afraid to dance, and totally self-conscious.

I should have mourned my marriage. Even bad marriages deserve that. I didn't. I felt finally free! (Remember that 'I like breathing' thing? This is the point where I figured it out.)

I haven't been trying to recapture my youth or anything but I have been trying to recapture its flavor. In drama class, they talk of a little director that criticizes whatever you do (if you listen). I've been trying to get mine to shut up (it's not even in my voice).

I class this week, I had a bit of a breakthrough. For the first time in a long time I played. I had fun and I didn't care if it made me look the fool. I moved, I danced, I had FUN. People laughed but SO WHAT?

I feel like I am starting to finally catch my breath. I am REALLY liking this breathing thing.

When I do? Look out.