It was a very good year

"I wish I could have transitioned at 5."

I knew what was going on at 5. I knew that I was a girl who was being forced to play the role of a boy. I also learned that this is not something you even hint at. You will be ridiculed and threatened.

To survive you must act like a boy - the best you can.

If I would have told my parents then (and they took it as something more than a phase) then I am sure I would have seen the inside of a shrinks office. My guess is that it would have gone next to nowhere (I don't think they would treat me at that age back then.)

"I wish I could have transitioned at 8."

Better, right? It was still the 70's and it was very rare that they would treat a child for GID. Who knows, maybe military school would cure me? We didn't have much money. Starting over again was not a viable financial option.

"I wish I could have transitioned at 10."

I was really feeling the conflict now. My friends (mostly other girls) were starting to feel awkward about things. My goal of a normal life was slipping away.

Oh joy. I was the first to hit puberty in my class. Nature is cruel.

"I wish I could have transitioned at 13."

The era of being a teenager and all of the expectations. I was gangly, tall, and right on the fringes of being socially acceptible. I was the tall, smart, band-geek. Yeah, there's someone on the fast track to popularity. Maybe there was hope for a transition at 13 but I was too chicken to say anything.

"I wish I could have transitioned at 16."

I knew it was going to happen. I was going to transition. I knew about transitioning since I was 8. But I was taught that this was a sickness of the spirit. God would cure me. I just had to let him.

I fought. Hard.

"I wish I could have transitioned at 18."

I was on my own and fairly self-sufficient. Still, God was going to cure me. BE A MAN.

"I wish I could have transitioned at 21."

It was hard. I was desperate. I had to act like one to BE one. God would help. I married my good friend (and subsequently ruined her life). I joined the military.

"I wish I could have transitioned at 27."

I was still in the military but my heart was never in it. I didn't fit in. I stayed because I didn't see another career choice out there. My marriage was a sham. I still knew that I was going to transition. I started taking hormones. I waited for everything to fall apart.

A few years later my military career ended. Shortly thereafter, so did my marriage.

I transitioned. Strangely enough, the world did not end. I kept my familiy. I kept my job. I kept my friends.

As a mind-exercise, I think about what would have happened if I had taken a different path. If I had started on the path earlier. You always expect the worst, I think you have to.

If I could tell myself something back at age 8, or 13, or at anytime on my journey?

"You surround yourself with good people, that is your knack. Trust that they are good. Be yourself. Be honest. Trust."