The pre-emptive doughnut

I get in my own way.

Looking for the saboteur? I see her in the mirror.

I know I am doing it. I am trying to stop.

I don't know if I can.

Relationships scare me. Not friendships - I like those. No, what I am shy of is (note the use of all capital letters) RELATIONSHIPS.

I push men away before they get too close. I really do want to be close.

Some of it is my own ineptness. I talk too much. I talk too little.

I babble.

I talk about five different subjects IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

I try to give them a good excuse to reject me before they have even accepted me.

Pre-emptive. That's me.

Now the latest. I took away a big barrier to a relationship and added something to make it go....easier. Last year I had my GRS.

And promptly gained 25 pounds.

I blamed it on hormones. I blamed it on recovery.

Bullsh*t.

Maybe at the beginning, sure. But it is no excuse now. I keep the weight on to keep myself from the opportunities of getting close.

All I have accomplished is lowering the number of potentials.

My room is a cluttered mess. Most of that is the fact that I am a slob. Some of that is so I have an excuse not to bring anyone to my room.

I like them. I want them. But I don't want them to reject me. So I do it - first. I still want to be attractive but I have not yet given myself permission to be close.

I think that is much of it. No Permission.

What right do I have to be close to someone? I am poison. I am the sure route to rejection by someone's friends and family. Why would I do that to someone I care for?

Wow, I HAVE to get over this.