Chameleon Power - ACTIVATE!

I have lived much of my life trying told lock my behavior down with an iron grip. I knew that to preserve my life I had to hide how I wanted to act. I tried desperately to emulate the boys.

It was an act and sometimes I lost the character. I so wanted to relax and be myself but I couldn't. As it was, the boys knew I was only a member of their club in name only. I could play their game if I had to but I just couldn't revel in it like they could. (I call this the 'Jane Goodall approach to understanding males').

In college I avoided the wild parties. I was slightly terrified to be drunk. I mean, what if I said something? What if I lost what control I had?

So I learned to be reserved - non expressive. My heart screamed out to be heard but I kept it in check. I learned other ways to express myself (music, writing).

Well, Practice Makes Permanent and now I find it hard to express my emotion until I am very comfortable with a group. Jump into a club and start dancing? Nope, I am the quiet one on the edge.

I suppose much of it has to do with self-esteem as well. Do I really deserve a relationship with a guy? Is it fair to saddle him with someone with my baggage?

Good Lord, why do I think about how I act so much? Can't I just BE?

What is the point of a life that I won't even bother to LIVE?