Why did you wait so #$%@ long???

Why did I wait so long to transition?

It was apparent to me that I would transition as soon as I knew it was possible. This was back in the pre-internet days. When I was 9, I ransacked the library for everything I could find: Encyclopedias, Biographies, Medical Journals - ANYTHING. I knew I was in the wrong skin, I just didn't know what I could do about it.

My story seems so generic. Growing up, I got teased a lot for spending recess with the girls. I built up a defensive shell. I just wanted to live my life. I learned that expressing that aspect of myself was BAD. I threw myself into academia, I had a vivid imagination. I wrote.

I wanted to spend time with my friends, so what did I do? I dated them. I don't think they were ever really 'dates', it always felt more like hanging out with a really close girlfriend.

I wanted to create. To make something out of nothing. I composed music, played multiple instruments, sang in choir, wrote stories, I cooked our family meals when Mom was tired. I don't know what it is about the essence of creation but it is something that is still with me today.

Still, I knew that expressing my need to transition was BAD. Just put it off until you are on your own, I would say. Then you can disappear and do it. No one will be hurt by it then.

Survival was the key. I saw the beatings that people got when they expressed anything perceived as close to what I was. I blended in.

I often say that I took the Jane Goodall approach the males. I could emulate them. I could predict their behavior. But I was never really one of them. I learned how to make them ignore me enough not to hurt me.

I found God. God, I inferred, was very explicit - Transitioning is wrong! He can cure me! Of course the cure I wanted was to make my body match my soul and not the other way around. But still, I tried. Still, I had plenty of women friends.

I was in college. I got married (God wanted me to). I told her about my issues before we got married. Together we would get me past it.

Certain things are expected when you are a married man.

Big problem. I wasn't attracted to women. Performance was an issue. I did my best.

One of my big problems is that I am very stubborn. I knew early on in our marriage that it was not going to cure me. Like I said - stubborn.

I took on a macho-esque job. There were many factors involved. One was to burn this need out of me. Tough it out! Be a Man! Another was simply to support my spouse (like I said earlier - stubborn).

It didn't work. I was successful, I got the job done. But my leadership style was not like any of the men's. That had two effects. I was successful with my people and they were very successful and I was looked at funny by my seniors.

The need never went away. It was getting worse. My spouse knew it - I knew it.

I knew I would transition - soon. In my 20's I started taking hormones (Do it Yourself). I knew if I wanted any decent effect, I would have to start before I was 30. I didn't tell my spouse.

Eventually, we divorced. It was relatively amicable but we have since grown apart. When the divorce papers were filed, I started my transition in earnest.

Why did I wait? (that was the original question)

I didn't want to hurt people.
I wanted to survive.
I had included other people in this - people I cared about.
I thought God would cure me.
I thought taking the 'guy' job would cure me.
I thought being married would cure me.
I was afraid.

So basically it was shame, fear of hurting others, fear of how my life would be, belief that this was BAD.

They seemed like good reasons at the time.