Monday, October 30, 2006

Cootie-file

Why is there ever pushback from people about transition?
 
Why should it matter to them?  It is not their life.
 
It is not a threat.  Is it?  Recruitment efforts aside - transition is not a contagion.  There is not some rare Transsexual Cootie that someone will tag you with that you cannot shake off.
 
But the fact that transitioners exist at all forces some to re-examine their own lives.  If we can be so sure that we would take such drastic steps.  How do they know who they are?  What events, facts, spirits can they point to that says "This is who I am.  This is what defines me."
 
They look in the wrong places and when they do not see what they expect - they translate it as threat.
 
Try as they may they do not understand (comprehend, internalize, grok).
 
It is an unnoticed sense, that is ignorable because the inputs from it have always been in harmony.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Craft

In the movie Ferris Buellers Day Off, Ferris often breaks the 4th wall and speaks directly to the movie audience.  For this movie, this worked well for comedic effect.  It was an intended breaking of the rules - a blatant breach of the contract with the audience.

Anyway, it worked.

If you've been reading this blog for a while then you will realize that I am taking drama classes.  Supposedly, I am learning to act.  My current class pertains to improvisation.

This is not a "Whose line is it anyway?" class.  We are working on conflict resolution within a defined structure.  One of the purposes is to help us to be more truthful and more aware. 

I found the concept of the class a bit terrifying (I'm a structure junky) so, of course, I had to sign up.

I am enjoying myself immensely (but I am still terrified).

A concept I am beginning to wrap my head around is the difference between self-aware and self-conscious.  Some folks in the class are so self-conscious that it almost makes me cringe.  They are putting on a SHOW.  They lapse into storytelling.

It feels like....say....you are the parent of a pre-schooler and you go to visit the teacher and the teacher talks to you EXACTLY like she talks to the children.  It is a condescension that is not supposed to be mean but it is awfully annoying because it is so inappropriate.

Some folks in the class are in school productions.  I really respect their willingness to get up in front of the audience in their various roles.  I've yet to act in anything other than class.

But I noticed a very distinct division between the actors on stage.  With many, I had emotional investment in their characters.  I believed them.  But with others, even with a massive amount of apparent effort, I felt like they were telling me a story and they were trying to sell it to me with every device they could think of.  I felt like I was watching an actor and not something honest.

I'll likely be like the second group when I first get to the stage.  I'm just wondering what the epiphany is like when you can cross that dividing line.

(note that I am still terrified)

Maybe in a couple of months I will find out.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Second Bounce

If you find yourself single after a certain age and are actively dating then there is a concept that you should learn to deal with.
 
The Second Bounce.  The equivalent of the five second rule of dating.
 
Younger guys are great.  They are fun.  Most are full of energy.  Many are very nice to look at.  And that is great - for a while.
 
But some of us have issues with men we can legally adopt.  At some point it feels a little creepy (I could have gone to High School...with...your...mother *eeep*).
 
Men closer to our own age, barring a solid, informal, all but permanent residency in their Mothers basement, have likely been married. If they are up to the dating scene again, they are on what could be described as the second bounce.
 
There is nothing wrong with that - to be sure.  But you have to deal some issues that come with the territory.
 
1.  The ex.  There is a spectrum to the relationship here. 
     a.  Still in love.  This could be a challenge.  If he dumps you at the slightest hint that they could get back together that is considered NOT GOOD.
     b.  Friends.  Does he expect you to be friends with her too (Awkward!)?
     c.  Communication only for contractually obligated reasons (alimony, child support, raising of kids).  More on this in #2.
     d.  Enemy (this can be combined with 1c). 
 
Chances are that this woman will be in his life somehow.   Watch for vindictiveness - sabotage.  This can come from many perspectives.  If this looks like it is going long term then, if they have kids, you will now be the 'step mom' (which is not an enviable place from what I hear).  If they don't like each other and it looks like he will be happy with you then any chance at ruining his happiness may seem fair game.  She knows what buttons to push with him.
 
2.   Kids.  Do they want their parents back together?  Prepare for adolescent testing (this is something I became aware of as a teacher).  Are you good enough for their Dad?  What chinks can they find in your armor?  Who the heck do you thin you are, anyway?
 
Okay, from this perspective, things are bleak.  I've painted this as a war.  It is a winnable one if your relationship with your man is strong enough.  Of course if his wife died or they didn't have kids then the issues are completely different.  Throw in an interesting biological history and the storm may get a bit rougher.
 
Once again. No real point to this post.  Just felt like making a list.
 
 
 

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Doormat

I am a doormat.  A target. 
 
I try to hard to make people like me.
 
I suck up.
 
I try and do too much for people.
 
Do people like me more for this?  No.  It is expected.
 
Am I respected by anyone?  Anyone??
 
Not in the least.
 
People just care about what they can get.
 
The things I waited years to be able to afford?  Belittled, broken, and replaced with trash.
 
If I could, I would be far away from here tomorrow.
 
You know what?  If they didn't need me as a resource - no one would care.