Tuesday, July 13, 2004

The Starlet Syndrome

As Natal Women grow up, appropriateness is driven by environment - peers and family.  There are certain hairstyles that each age and culture deem as 'normal'.  The progression to the next age, while fraught with perceived risk, is a natural progression.  What is proper is considered innate, instinctual.
 
But when you jump into this natural progression at mid-point, the chance of a mistake is great.  Trial and error and the well-meaning suggestions by those around you are all you can go on.
 
In the early days of film, we saw the rise of the Starlet.  Beautiful women with porcelain skin and flowing gorgeous hair.  They were a beauty frozen in time.
 
Sadly, many believed their lives were locked onto that magical moment in time and decided not to leave.
 
There is a perception that I try desperately to avoid (often it is one of my big-time fears) - the aged starlet.  A craggy face topped by a gorgeous flowing wig.  The incongruity of it is overwhelming to me.  Do I appear inappropriate?  Am I one of those that is trying to act half my age?
 
Would anyone tell me if it was the case?

Monday, July 12, 2004

Life-Colored Glasses

This year I am going to my High School reunion.  Why, you might ask?  If my goal is a level of blending into the background then why, oh why, would I go to a place where they only knew me as male.
 
Good question.
 
I really try not to let my transition run my life.  The fact is, however, that my transition tints everything I do.  Nearly all the events of my life are affected by this rare tangent of my life.
 
So, I had to ask myself.  If I had not become Anne, would I have still gone?
 
Yes.
 
I was not tormented in school - too much anyway.  I learned to cover my mannerisms and tried to diffuse awkward moments with humor.  I had friends.  I want to see them.
 
If I were going to be a spectacle then I would have no business going at all.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Compartmentalization

Take each part of your life and isolate it. This way if there is a failure in one area, the rest remain unaffected.

In theory.

In practice it can be quite difficult to do. There is a part of me that wants to just flush all of my past and start over, fresh. There is a lot of emotional baggage attached to transitioning and a fresh start would leave all of that turmoil in the dust.

Compartmentalization.

I suppose there are three basic compartments I am talking about.

1. My life trying to live as male. This was a fairly substantial part of my life. If it were not for my family I could lose this pretty easily.

2. Life in transition. Those two years I spent between trying to live against my character and attempt to appear male to actually giving up the facade.

3. Life post transition. Using 'the surgery' as the point where transition is over.

If I compartmentalize 1 and 2 from my life, then where did I come from? That history is still MY history. I cannot deny it completely.

If I hold on #2 then others will hold onto it as well. I will forever be categorized as the interim state. Because I made the journey, I am forever marked.

If I keep it all together, I leave myself open for violence. I may well be relegating myself to a life alone. I take that back, not alone. I will still have friends and I have yet to meet someone who can deal with the whole history and still be with me romantically.

So, what is the solution?

Best solution: I retain my current identity. Everyone in the world forgets that I was ever (male name) and all records reflect that fact.

Oh, and I grow ovaries.

Worst solution: De-transition and enmesh myself back in the lie. This would be hard to do at this point.

Optimum solution: Live my life. Just live it. Don't disclose my prior identity unless I truly need to (need to be defined later). Don't talk about former life but instead build on more recent experience.

It's better than nothing.

Introduction

Let's start with the basics.
 
Female.
 
Age is...well....Gen X.
 
Height is just at the lower edge of Amazonian (no, I did not play basketball).
 
Hair is red (currently).
 
The reason you will not see a pic up here:  After I put the rest of the details up, you will understand.  Because of details in my history.....blegh...we'll get to it later.  Leave it to say that I am not hideous, mothers do not hide their children from me.
 
I am a geek.  No, not a geek in terms of biting the heads off chickens in a carnival sideshow.  Here are some definitions that I use.
 
Geek - Proficient in a specific area of study (as in Computer Geek, Biotech Geek, that kinda thing).
 
Nerd -  Denotes a social awkwardness, either through neglect of learning social skills or failure to adhere to standard social skills.
 
I AM a computer geek. I am NOT a nerd - I do have a life.
 
I have done a lot of things in my life: Classical Musician, Pilot, Artist, Teacher, Student, Writer, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
 
I have been around the world and to all continents but two (Europe and one other, I'll let you guess as to which one).
 
Oh yeah, I also used to be biologically male.  Something that I have already taken care of.
 
More on that later.

What will I write here

The day to day activities of my lif....no. There is too much chance of people being hurt or offended or whatever.

I think I will just write my ideas instead.

Friday, July 02, 2004

A Life in the Day

Okay, I am a little new to the blogging thing. Here goes...