Forgoing Nasal Abrasion

"Don't Rub Their Nose In It!"

When we finally screw up enough courage to tell our families of the angst of our lives up to that point, some expect instant change from their families.

I've seen the pattern of:

Disbelieving Acceptance
Challenge
Rejection
Guarded Acceptance
Acceptance

I've also seen family after family that gets stuck in the challenge or rejection phases.

Remember that this is a journey for them as well. They have to re-set their gyros, re-orient on the new data.

Catch their breath.

The subject here is Birthday cards.

Even if your family is stuck in challenge mode, I recommend still sending at least a card. A card says, 'I still choose to be related to you.' But it does not apologize for your existence. It is a tentative step towards normalizing family relations.

So, what card to send?

The stores are filled with birthday cards? From everyone to everyone. There are frilly Daughter to Father cards, sappy Sister-Brother fights-but-I-still-love-you cards, Sister's are forever cards, etc.

Take a step back.

The card should reflect your actual relationship with the person. Not the gendered relationship. Don't push the daughter/sister side of the relationship at first. Find a gender neutral card and write something in it.

Gentle is the way to go. Incremental.

If they send cards, note what they send. Eventually, they may surprise you and send the corresponding 'Sisters-are-forever' card. Hopefully the whole family will get with the program and you will hit a critical mass.

Just remember, the card reflects the relationship - it doesn't necessarily foreshadow it.

Of course in some cases there is a need for shock value. You'll know it when you get there.