Waking up in tears

I woke up at 4AM this morning, crying.

Something was wrong with a friend of mine - I was sure about it.

I know I have said that I have not lost any friends because of my transition. I have, however, had friends who wandered away.

Let me describe these people to you.

Sam was my best friend through school. We did everything together. He was a year younger than me and it seemed that he did EVERYTHING I did just one year later (including dating the same people, he was just better at it). He got the same scholarships I did, he held the same school offices, we had the same friends. We were a good team.

Mary was the first person I met in college. She lived on the floor above mine, practically in the room above mine. I was beginning to be resigned to the fact that I was not that interested in dating women, we went out anyway but it was always just going out with a sister, a friend. I spent countless hours in her room until 3AM, just talking.

Sam, being a year behind me, of course was going to go to the same school as me. He visited on the weekend a couple of times and I showed him around and intro'd him to my group of friends.

Sam, meet Mary. Mary, meet Sam.

Two years later I stood up with them at their wedding. I was married a few months later (because it was the thing to do).

My spouse did not like them. Specifically, she did not like Mary. When I made plans with them, she got 'sick' and we had to cancel.

I didn't see much of them for years. When I got back to town, I discovered they were very hard to find.

When I did finally catch up with them (after my divorce), they had a bushel of kids and were teaching at a Evangelical Christian University. My ex had ensured that they knew about my transition (in not too flattering terms). They were polite on the phone but our connection had been lost and they did not seem to want to keep any connection with me (they didn't say this, but it was pretty apparent).

This morning at 4 AM, I woke up crying. I was sure that something bad had happened to Mary. Tears were streaming down my face for a half hour.

I don't know how to contact them. I don't know IF I should contact them. I'm pretty sure it was nothing but now I am going to be thinking about it.