Thursday, January 26, 2006

From Within

I've felt a need lately to get creating again.
 
So, I am in the midst of a major geek project.
 
And I am writing again.
 
I think that effectively sums up my personality.
 
That is all.

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Elephant in the Parlour

There are subjects that immediately eliminate discourse.  People's minds are made up and emotions run high.  Of course people are careful to frame their own viewpoint as the positive:
 
Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life
Marriage Equality vs Defense of Marriage
Protection of Civil Rights - Defend against the Terrorists (and what are YOU trying to hide?)
 
Anyway, Transsexuality is one of the subjects that tends to shut down people's ability to accept information.  Maybe it's the buzzword aspect of it.  You say the word 'Transsexual' and all they can hear is a sharp buzzy sound for 5 minutes.
 
So, here's a plan.  Talk about it without using that word.  I attempt that once in a while here in this blog.
 
I think a book of stories and essays about the subjects of transitioning could be a good thing ESPECIALLY if it avoids the main subject of the transition at all.
 
Think of it, stories about not feeling right in your own skin, about being forced against your nature, about the subtle issues of transitioning family dynamics ALL without mentioning transsexuality or having a transitioning character.
 
I know, it sounds stupid and pointless.
 
It is just an idea.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Cone of Confusion

Apparently I am into airplane analogies lately....
 
While navigating an aircraft by instruments, you are essentially saying that you can get where you are going without looking outside.  Your instruments tell you all sorts of things, from how level you are, are you climbing or descending, what direction you are heading.
 
You trust your instruments.  They keep you alive.
 
All over the world there are various types of radio beacons (many, MANY different types).  When you tune to a specific beacon, a little arrow in your plane points to it.  This helps you navigate without actually seeing where you are going.
 
But, there is a problem. (isn't there always?).  These beacons send their signals out sideways, not straight up.  One moment you are flying along, directly to one of these beacons and the next, the needle swings around wildly.
 
This is known as the 'Cone of Confusion'.  It really freaks people out the first few times they see it.
 
What do you do while you are in the Cone?  If you panic, you can head off in the wrong direction, hit a mountain, who knows what?  You may even try to keep following the needle that will forever keep driving you in a circle while you are in the cone.
 
In reality what you do is:
 
  • Fly Calmly in the same direction (eventually you will leave the Cone)
  • Dial up the next beacon.
  • Turn (using your compass) in something close to the right direction.
  • Refine your course, using the new beacon.
  • Repeat.
 
Sometimes if you are too close to your goals, you can get lost.  You can panic and flail about in a pretty unseemly fashion.  You may even end up circling within your own Cone.
 
Sometimes it is best to get down to principals.
 
  • Keep going in the same direction.
  • Figure out where you are going next.
  • Start doing what you believe it takes to get there.
  • Refine your path.
  • Repeat.
 
 

Thursday, January 19, 2006

When Smurfs Go Bad

Here is the situation - you are hiking, with a long journey in front of you, and there is some reason that you are not able to stop (pursued by cannibal hunters, wild bears, smurfs with attitude, etc.).  Somewhere early on your journey you discover that there is a rock in your boot.
 
But remember you can't stop (killer Smurfs, remember?).  The rock begins to annoy you early on.  You try to favor the other foot as much as you can.
 
You just want to stop and take that rock out of your boot but you can't.  You keep going.
 
The constant repetition is taking its' toll.  The rock is starting to cut into your skin.
 
Still, you can't stop - Papa Smurf has an evil gleam in his eye (he's hungry). 
 
Is the rock starting to cut through muscle now?  Still you trudge forward.
 
Through a freak accident involving a freak windstorm, gamma radiation, and a bizarrely located Baskin Robbins, you find you can stop for a moment.
 
You gently take off the boot and remove an insignificant looking pebble.  You bandage your foot, replace the boot, and continue on with your journey.  Your foot is still tender but you aren't really in much (if any) pain.
 
[end of bizarre story]
 
Now class, for the questions:
 
- Now that the rock is gone and you can walk without pain, are you happy?   Or are you just relieved?
 
- The amazing miracle that was the Baskin Robbins Rock Removal (31 Flavors and Podiatry?) has changed the timbre of your journey.  Will the rest of the journey be a happy one now?  (remember Smurfette, sharpening the butcher knife? *shudder*).
 
- Was the removal of the rock the purpose of the journey or just an obstacle that you had to deal with?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Maze of Twisty Passages...

Sometimes I hate the jumbly mess that is my brain.
 
I usually have a point to make.  Sometimes the point isn't so much words as it is an idea.  In my head, most ideas are self- defining so finding the words to convey this fantastic point that I have (and I really do have one....somewhere....okay, there was this duck and it was near a subwa....never mind.  Back to the point) finding the words is difficult.
 
So I try to break the idea down into little pieces and describe each point that I know I can convey.  The problem with that is there is a tendency to get bogged down on the wrong aspect of one of these sub-points.  Focus wanders.
 
So I try a different tack.  I tell stories.  The stories are not necessarily directly related to the point I want to make but rather to those annoying sub-points that I wandered off with earlier.
 
In a few cases this tactic is successful and it usually ends with people getting to the point I wanted to make and thinking they came up with it themselves.
 
More often I believe I am seen as someone who comes up with crazy stories all the time but can occasionally inadvertantly aim a conversation so the saner people can come up with a fantastic conclusion.
 
Wow, this must be what insanity is like.
 
Anyway, back to that duck.....
 
P.S. Please pardon the uber-geek reference that is the title of this entry.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Play-do and tin-whistles

I love to create.
 
Why?  Of course I have always had my theories but one idea has started to crystalize in the last week.
 
[begin rambling story section here]
I mentioned earlier that I have been a bit addicted to podcasts lately.  It's true.  But in the last week, I have been listening to music again, more and more.
 
Why?  It makes me feel good. It makes me sad.  It evokes the emotions, deep rich emotions that are so easy to get hooked on. I remember where I was when I heard something.  I get that inward smile (that occasionally pokes through), that just feels GOOD.
 
I read many books over and over.  Why?  Same reason.
 
Movies? Same.
[end inordinately short rambling story section that really wasn't long enough to be considered rambling]
 
I want to share that feeling with people.  I want to be able to evoke those feelings in people.  I want them to know that feeling of basking in the feel of...well....whatever I am feeling.
 
When I look back on my life, I see this pattern.  I was a band geek (I was the alpha-band geek).  I have been writing fiction for years (nope, nothing has sold).  I studied musical composition in school.
 
I started acting (the HORROR!).
 
So, back to my not-a-resolution, resolution (aka express joy).  I think I know which way to go on it.
 
Geez, don't you hate it when you lost sight of something you love?
 

Don't Worry, Be Happ....nah, just Be

"You transitioned to be happy. Right?  So why the bad mood?"
 
Transition is such a momentous task, that everything in your life must be a reflection of it.  At least that seems to be a popular theory.  Every mood swing, every bad day, every happiness HAS to be a direct reflection of the fact that you have undergone this huge life-changing experience.
 
Here's a clue.  No, it doesn't.
 
Here's the real shocker.
 
I didn't transition to be happy.
 
Oh sure, I am happy with the idea.  I like the fact that I am no longer living in that other life.  The world fits better now and so, in general, I am happy more often.
 
But I do not live in a state of blissful euphoria but my life is...well...just that - a life.  I have ups and downs.  Events happen (obvious statement of the day).  I have my successes and failures.  I laugh, I cry, I have good days and bad.  Very little of it actually reflects the fact that I transitioned.
 
Especially near the beginning of my transition, people who cared about me were really trying to look out for me.  I was somehow considered more fragile (they will all deny this now).
 
I did something during that time that was probably a mistake.  I hid my bad days from people.  When I was feeling down, or angry.  The thing is, my days were never all that bad, I just didn't want to give people an excuse to say "See, transitioning is depressing you."
 
Looking back, I don't think they would have.  This is so obviously the right path for me.  I think it is starting to hit them that I didn't do this to be happy.
 
I did it to be me.
 
 
 
 

Friday, January 13, 2006

The Power Curve

Behind the Power Curve - I really don't know how prevalent this saying is, I can't recall if other people say it or not.  Anyway, in my ambling way, I will endeavor to apply it.
 
It is difficult to land an airplane on an Aircraft Carrier.  You are in an aircraft that is travelling at well over 100 Knots (a knot is nautical mile per hour, a nautical mile is 6000 feet. Anyway, it is fast) and you are trying to land on a ship that is a couple hundred yards long and moving at about, say, 20 knots or less.
 
To do this, the plane lowers a hook on the back of their plane in hopes of catching a cable on the deck of the ship.  They also slow down - A LOT. 
 
The problem with slowing down an airplane is that, if you slow down enough, you tend to fall out of the sky (normally considered BAD).
 
So, if you miss the cable, because you are still moving slowly - you tend to swim.
 
What to do?  Common sense says that you open up the throttles and take off again (remember speed = flying = life = good).  Problem solved, right?
 
Wrong.  It takes time to get airplane engines to speed up.  The POWER CURVE refers to a graph of the speed needed to fly, how fast you can arrive at that speed and how much room you have between you and an abrupt lovely salt water bath.
 
To be behind the power curve means that you slowed too much, you have no way to get enough speed on the aircraft to keep it flying in the eventuality that you miss the cable.
 
This ends the geeky definition part of this post.
 
Okay, how does this apply?
 
When I used to go to a support group, often there would be someone there who basically just cut all ties and transitioned one day.  No warning to anyone, no preparation, no plan.  They just cut the power and hoped for the best.
 
Invariably these are people who lose their jobs, family, homes, friends.  Often they lose all their resources and end up de-transitioned but in a much worse place.
 
Lesson?  Look before you leap. Stay ahead of the power curve.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Nothing to See Here....Move Along

What is it about an accident that makes people have to look?  As far as I can tell that is the main purpose of watching NASCAR.
 
My Brother In Law was addicted to Air Shows (as well as NASCAR).  He was so excited when he saw a plane crash right in front of him.  You would have thought it was his Birthday.
 
UGH!  Everytime I think about that I want to throw up a little.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Rain Gear and Spaghetti Westerns

A couple years ago, I was at the local mall.  I noticed a brightly colored display in one of the major department stores.
 
So, being attracted by bright and shiny things, I wandered over.
 
and was presented with PONCHO's of every color.
 
Good Lord, how stupid.  Don't these people know that ponchos are for rain gear?  Didn't anyone see 'Unbreakable'?
 
Are we supposed to go out and buy these silly things just because the Deity of Fashion vomited up this idea????
 
Yes, apparently.
 
I have held out.  I still think they are silly and I kind of resent the fact that they took over EVERY SINGLE STORE!
 
"Welcome to Bob's Hardware!  Nail guns are on aisle 3, fashion ponchos are on aisle 1"
 
Who makes up these rules?  Are the fashion police on the take?
 
When I see ponchos I think of 3 things:
 
1. Camping
2. Clint Eastwood
3. Marty McFly
 
I don't see the appeal.  Yet I know someday I will end up with one.
 
Sigh.
 
Lemmingly Yours,
 
Anne

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

In the Abstract

It is much easier to hate someone in the abstract.  I mean, hating a category is much easier to embrace than actual hatred of an individual person.
 
Is it easier to hate that 'Red State, Redneck,  Pickup Driving Moron, who spends all his waking hours watching NASCAR and blindly votes for whoever/whatever his preacher tell him to?' as compared to 'Uncle Bob, who certainly has some awkwardness but in general has been pretty decent?'.
 
(From another angle)...
 
Is it easier to hate that 'Commie, Blue State, Pot Smoking Hippie Vegetarian, who apparently wants people to be able to marry their pet rabbit?' or 'Aunt Jill, who always remembered my Birthday even though we hadn't talked for years?'
 
Do I have a point????
 
Maybe.
 
When we go to war, we raise our ire against the abstracts.  We reduce people down to an idea (it is much easier to kill them that way).  In the US Civil War, it was not the person from the next county, it was Rebels and Yankees.   During the Revolution, we fought the Red-Coats.  We reduce people to one charicature of an abstract so we can focus on it and ignore the fact that we are talking about a real person.
 
In theory, I should have family that hates me.   They are in the midst of the deep-south and bible belt.  They are preachers and Elders at very conservative churches.
 
In the abstract we should be at odds with one another.
 
In practice, however, we get along.
 
How weird is that?