Bizarro question

For the purposes of this question, consider that you are a post-operative MTF TS (acronym overload (a.b.c.-x.y.z.-m.o.u.s.e.).

The question is this. What if you got amnesia?

Expound on that and think of two types of amnesia (one, I am sure, is fictional).

Amnesia type 1: You forget all the events of the years of your transition and throw in a couple extra.

Amnesia type 2: You forget everything self identifying. You can function, do your job, but you have no idea that your body was ever other than it is right now.

Around in a fog....

I can be oblivious at times (where men are concerned).

Saturday night I was at a bar with some friends. There was a crowd there, mostly groupies of the local band that was playing. Across from our table there was a youngish, scruffy guy (not scruffy in a bad way) and he started up a conversation.

Apparently he taught one of the people in the band how to play. Cool, I thought, we continued on in a fairly innocuous conversation. Next to him, a pretty girl sat watching the band. Obviously they had come together, right?

Afterwards, my friends tell me that he was only talking to ME. Huh? I thought he was talking to all of us. Also, I assumed that he was taken (obviously I didn't think of the possibility of the fact that they were there as friends.)

So basically, I have to work on when a guy might be flirting with me.

It is probably related to self-esteem issues.

Saturday Morning with Jim

I am finally falling back into a workout routine again.

The last year has played havoc with my body (the holiday was dangerous (in a culinary sense)).

So, here I am 30 pounds heavier than I was at this time last year. EEEEEP!

The weird thing is the fact that many my clothes still fit.

The weirder thing is that fact that I now have hips and a rear.

A couple of years ago I was terrified to go to the gym. If my history was discovered I expected one or all of the following:

1. "What were you doing in that locker room? My GIRLFRIEND was in there...naked!" (this is followed by a pummeling by the offended muscle-monkey)

2. "We have to ask you not to use the facilities here."

3. "Your membership has been cancelled."

4. "Hey, look over there - the FREAK."

None of these things happened (happily). No one gives me a 2nd glance in the locker room. The muscle-monkeys are just so darn HELPFUL ("No really, I was putting that on the machine so I could lift it. You don't have to do it for me.").

I like the gym. I really do. Now if I could just get the weight off.

It's tall, grey, and has some funky elevators.

Sometimes it seems that people get stuck in the middle of a journey. It is as if someone got on a train from Portland to St. Louis but refuses to get off the train because the people on the train were so nice.

The thing is, sometimes people go to St Louis for a reason. There could be family there, a job, maybe you just really, really want to see the arch (side note: it is interesting, but not worth an entire trip on its own).

I see people that get stuck in the transitioning 'community' seemingly forever. Don't get me wrong, I think the community is a good thing. It is a resource, a chance to commisurate, a place to make friends and learn from each other. It is a place to go when it seems like the rest of the world has rejected you.

And it is hard to get away from. Do you transition to be a transitioner all your life? At some point you have to get off the train and aim for your next destination. If you really like some of the people on the train, take them with you. No one is keeping you from staying in touch with folks.

I see a healthy life-cycle to be like this:

1. Find the community.
2. Get help.
3. Participate.
4. Help the next group.
5. Figure out what your next destination is.

When the train gets to St. Louis, get off the train.

SEE the arch.
TRY the food (it ain't bad).
Maybe LISTEN to some jazz.

It may be worth the trip.

Confessions of a post-apocolyptic drama queen

Drama class.....sigh.

Last night was week 2 and we all actually did our time in front of the class. There is a problem with hanging out with college age kids.

They make me feel old - and large. Not tall, for some reason young women today are coming in taller packages - I am barely taller than the next tallest woman. I just felt thick and clumsy and awkward.

To be fair, I don't think I was the only one who felt that way. I suppose it is the point of my going.

I need to get myself outside of my comfort zone. It's the only way I know of to spur on personal growth. Get outside the box and resist the urge to flee back into it.

Next week I have to read a poem or a song in front of the class. I think I will avoid the singing (I can sing but still it is too far outside the box at this point).

Goals for drama:

1. Improvement of initial social comfort level.
2. Non-verbal expression.
3. Have fun.

Faking the voice

My Mother is from the heart of the South. You can hear it in her voice sometimes (but not always). When she was growing up (knee high to a [insert standard animal here]) I imagine that the drawl that is hinted at in her speech was full-out, non-stop dixie. To this day, I can barely understand what my Grandfather says on the phone.

She doesn't live in the South anymore, she hasn't for decades. When she was a young teen, she moved north. It is funny but people don't often talk with that Southern twang outside of the South. So, she adapted. Sure, much of it was peer pressure "You talk funny!" but she acculturated to her new environment. Her old accent comes out in times of great emotion (or when she is talking to someone from down there) but for the most part, she-don't-talk-that-way-no-more, y'hear?

Is there a point?

Yes, probably.

Accents are kind of like a dialect for a region. Put simply it is a standardized way of talking for a social group. Speech in a social group is diluted and people have a tendency to talk alike.

C'mon Anne, get to the point!

Is an accent fake? Does my Grandfather chastise my Mother on the phone?
"Y'all talk normal now!" (he doesn't)
No. Because our accents change based on our social situations. Mom isn't putting on a Yankee Affectation when she speaks and it isn't fake when she slips into the sounds of your youth.

Ah, the point. Finally.

A female voice coming from a testesterone poisoned throat can be considered an accent. True, there are other factors involved (pitch, timbre, modulation, vocabulary) but for the most part it is a dialect for a social group.

So, is it fake? At first, maybe. A MTF has to insert herself into the social role. That role and group has rules. No one really knows all the rules but they know when they are broken. So, our transitioner has to do her best. With proper feedback (subconscious or overt), the accent is learned - slowly.

Pitch and Timbre are harder. It takes training and feedback. For many it is completely frustrating for a long, long time. It can even be painful (have your throat lozenges ready).

There are tricks to it (more on that later) but I think the big one is in your head.

Don't fake your voice - own it. You are not putting on a show, you are unlearning the other way of speaking. You are excavating your own voice.

So, with all that in mind, is the new voice fake?

Why don't they accept me?

'Why won't people accept me?' I hear that complaint a lot.

Some people are jerks - there is no getting around that. But, for the most part, people don't want to be jerks. You have to give them a fair shot.

When I was in college I took a drama class and we went to see a version of 'Our Town'. The sets were sparse and the theater small but still we were mesmerized by the event. Another interesting aspect was a completely ethnically diverse cast. A black girl was the daughter of a white father and an asian mother. You know what? It was a non-event. We didn't even notice after a few minutes.

It is called 'suspension of disbelief'. It is a contract between performer and audience. The audience accepts what is given as long as the performer doesn't RUB THEIR NOSES IN IT.

A point?

Getting there.

I used to go to a support group. I wasn't a big fan of the group but I went once in a while. There was a transitioner there who was in her 30's and, in my opinion, visibly an attractive woman.

So, bolstered by the fact of her medical condition, decided to transition immediately. Right now. No preamble. She showed up in a dress to work one day and demanded to be referred to with her new name and female pronouns. Also, immediate access to the women's shower facilities.

Of course this was immediately followed by her threatening to sue everyone in sight for sexual harassment.

I suppose in a perfect world, this would be acceptible. But, she had some issues. She wore dresses every day, nothing wrong with that except that she worked in a very hands on blue collar job. The dresses she wore would be good for a 19 year old to go clubbing. She also refused to speak other than in a booming baritone voice. People offered to work with her on her voice but she refused, saying it was 'fake' (more on the 'fake voice' later).

The discord between her appearance and her voice. The inappropriateness of her attire. Her RUDE transition style. All have led her to a hostile work environment.

Transition, at least in the early stages is a contract between the transitioner and those around them. An honest attempt makes for a much more positive reception that beligerence.

Social acceptance is not a right - it is won over a little at a time.

In and Proud????

I seem to be on a blogging rampage. 'spose I am just pondering a bit much.

More on the 'out and proud' stuff. What is the opposite of that, anyway 'In and Ashamed'?

That's not me either. 'In and Proud' I suppose would be more accurate.

Why? I am not totally stealth, I have not given up friends who know about my past. I am well accepted, I am not rejected by anyone as far as I know. I guess there may be those who reject me by shunning me but how would I know?

Why would I want to not be known as 'That Transsexual'? There have been good things that have come from people knowing about me.

1. People realize that Jerry Springer does not represent me on his show - ever.
2. People realize that I am not a danger to their children.
3. People actually forget about my past.

I digress....

The question was....WHY?

Politically incorrect answer to follow:

I like men. I am attracted to them. I know that some are attracted to me.

The male ego is a fragile thing. If word gets out of them falling for a TS, they lose face.

If he gets word that I transitioned before I am ready for him to have that information then I lose boyfriend. There would be a wall that would be near impossible to communicate through.

My stealthiness is a courtesy to him. My stealthiness allows him to get to know ME before he gets to know my issues.

I can already hear the politically correct answers. Meet a better man. If he will have an issue with it, then don't date him.

Essentially, this argument is: "Why don't you remain alone?"

There are some great guys out there that at least deserve a chance. To get that chance, they need to be gently educated.

That's one of the issues anyway, there is a whole different one with parallax.

Rare (hopefully) Political Rant (part 1)

A few things make me nervous politically.

One is the idea of denying any TS marriage. Sure, a TS can get married in all but a couple states but the legal foundation of that marriage is at the whim of the courts.

As long as you stay in line and are nice to your hubby (and ignore any infractions on his part) there isn't a problem. As long as you don't want any RIGHTS, you're fine. But if someone wants your Spouses money or someone happens to, I don't know, KILL him then suddenly your marriage isn't valid.

It's like if you adopt a child and then move to another state and that state decides that your adoption isn't up to snuff. So they take your child and give him to someone else. Your legal rights are only as strong as the court system that supports your rights. Basically you are at someones whim and personal moral opinion.

That sucks.

National ID cards. If we go to a national ID card then how will Gender changes be taken into account? If you combine the laws of all the states, it is most likely that you will use the most stringent standards.

Grrrr.

Electronic health records. Want Doctor Patient confidentiality? Not gonna happen.

Why be 'out'?

I have noticed a trend. Many of those who want every MTF Transsexual to be 'out and proud' have a couple things in common.

1. They already have a partner. They are in a long term relationship (usually lesbian). See, it worked for them, why wouldn't it work for you?

*problem - I am not a lesbian.

2. They have given up hope on woodworking. They don't see the possibility of being accepted as anything other than TS, so they want everyone else to jump on the 'out and proud' bandwagon. The more the merrier, right?

*problem - I have not given up hope.

3. They don't want to risk trying to blend into society. It seems like a pretty big fall if it doesn't work. Scary stuff. The comfort of the TS community is a known quantity. The world outside of it is a pretty terrifying place.

4. They want to help people. This is honorable. This is good. People do it as a conscious choice - eyes open. But is there ever a chance to end it?

When the cat gets out of the bag it does NOT want to go back in. You then have to make a choice - buy a new bag or drug the cat. (I suppose getting a new cat is an option - hopefully people will forget the old one).

Hermitification

Every few months I have a tendency to go into hermit mode. I hole up
in the internet and mainly deal with people from the safety of
cyberdom.

So, every few months, I have to force myself into something new. The
new de-hermitification this time? Drama.

I am taking a drama class. I am a little different from most of the
other students. (No, not that. They don't know. Give me some
credit.)

I am quite a bit older. Technically, most of the people in the class
could be my kids (age wise). (The way I say this leads to another
subject - see later*)

I have a real problem with vocal projection. Problem is defined as
not being able to project my voice without it going into a scary
register.

Something to work on anyway.

It looks like fun. I am a little nervous.

*later - I try to tell the truth. When I and someone else have an age
difference such that I would be old enough to be their parent I say
"You are young enough to be my kid." instead of "I could be your
Mother."

I couldn't be their mother (without adoption anyway).

I could say:
"I am old enough to be your mother."

It gets into that whole
tell-the-truth-selectively-to-lead-to-an-erroneous-conclusion thing.
I hate doing it but I am good at it.

Sigh.

The Shy Extrovert

Up til a few days ago, I thought that 'Shy' and 'Extrovert' were opposite terms.

Apparently not. My friends describe me with both of these terms.

By their definitions:
Extrovert - A person who thrives in an environment of social interaction.
Introvert - A person who thrives in the absence of social interaction.

Shy - One who does not easily initiate social interactions.


So, by being a shy extrovert, I am someone who cannot set up the
situation in which I can thrive. My social interactions are driven by
the 'non-shy' folks.

Either that or they are just saying I talk a lot after I get warmed up.

Dilemma

I'm torn (no, not physically).

On one hand I want to disappear. I believe that if I started with a
clean slate, I could live my life without anyone having knowledge of
my....previous failed beta of a life.

On the other, I like my friends. I like my family. God help me, I
like my job. Do I really want to give them up?

Sigh.