Cutting Cheese in Elevators

I don't pass gas in public (pick your euphemism of choice)

I don't 'drop trou' in the middle of the street and urinate.

I don't belch in people's faces.

On a good day, I try not to wander down the street with a bloody axe saying 'Here kitty, kitty.'

I wear deodorant.

I tend to wear clothing while I am among...well....people.

I obey traffic laws (more or less, this IS California).

Okay, the big question....

WHY?

We live in society. Human beings are social creatures and, if we are to be accepted by our society, we agree to certain behaviors. What happens to people who break these rules? Are they kicked out of society? As a rule, no. But life as a social being is simpler if you do (no matter how much you hate cats). If you break these rules enough, then you eventually end up in a different society - one that more closely fits your own set of rules.

Where do the rules come from? They evolve. They are taught by parents and peers. They are learned through experience.

Yes, I believe in assimilation to a certain extent but not through being 'fake'. My actions are my own, not pretense. I have changed my voice (duh, I do harp on that one) but that is more like 'not shouting in church'. I do what is appropriate to my social situation.

Are those who fit in another society BAD? Are they WRONG?

No, it's just different.

Diabolic Report

Unless it affects me I could really care less about how people live their lives.

Stealth, Out & Proud, Genderqueer, Republican, WHATEVER.

You live your lives and I will live mine. I will decide on how to live mine. This blog outlines some of my ideas, some of which I will follow and others that I won't.

If people want to learn from what I have done then great, this blog is successful. If not then I am sure you have moved on by now.

Please note that I have, mainly by my own choice, NOT lived my life in stealth. If you read my earlier posts then you will understand why.

I believe in being who I am - WHOEVER THAT IS.

Yes, I have trained my voice. I have found that the jarring difference between visual and audio perception of a person is distracting so I have chosen the route of vocal training.

No, I do not tell people of my 'function' up front. It is none of their business. If the situation calls for it, I will tell.

The point of the 'Halo Effect' post is that people rely strongly on their first impressions. You are not screwed if you don't 'get it right' when you first meet someone. But their initial perception of you is different. Specifically, I was thinking in the terms of pronouns. If someone perceives you as male when they first meet you, it takes effort for them to switch that to 'female'.

Peoples perception of you is strongly influenced by their expectations.

If you want to go by 'shim' or whatever. So be it. I don't care.

Do good.
Protect the weak.
Do what you need to do and try not to hurt others on the way.

By assimilating at all I am evil.

Because I don't wear my former genitalia on my sleeve (don't ask me the logistics of THAT - sounds disturbing), I am a liar.

I got it. I understand. Point made.

Good on you for that newsflash.

The Halo Effect

(I am paraphrasing this story)

A researcher took two elementary school classrooms, each with students that were roughly equal in capability.

A teacher took on both classes. One class, she was informed, was filled with not-so-bright students who had discipline problems.

The other, she was told, was the honors class, the students in the class were the best and brightest of the school.

Two weeks after starting to teach these students, she was asked to describe the classes.

"The first class was a nightmare. They were always interrupting, they didn't grasp the material very well, discipline was a real problem."

"The second class was really fun. The students participated and really got into the material. I had no problems with them at all."

When told of the experiment, she was a little upset. Obviously, the students were fundamentally different. Look at the test scores! Listen to these problems we had!

What this concept is, is the Halo effect. It is also known as first impressions. If your initial assessment of someone is positive, then any negative thing they do is considered the exception. Likewise, if you have a bad first impression, you are less likely to give that person the benefit of the doubt.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Don't you think it applies to transition?

A note to those giving presentations...

If you are giving the standard Transsexual 101 class (which is usually reserved for schools or the education of workplaces) there is one thing I must ask of you.

If you are going to try to stun the audience with 'the voice trick' (dramatically shifting your voice back into a male register) then MAKE SURE THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

I recently attended a meeting where someone was giving the TS 101 talk and attempted this and I really could not tell the difference. This was a woman I respect very much and the talk was top notch.

But there is nothing I can say, nothing I feel is my place to say. Her wife was there, maybe she should say something.

Also, I must warn people that the voice trick loses potency over time. It is far less stunning/amusing each time you invoke it.

Delicate Questions....

Sometimes I am asked the question about my friends who have transitioned:

"Is she pre-op or post-op?"

I normally try not to answer this question, it is really none of my business.

The other day someone asked me this and I realized something.

I don't know and I don't care if I know.

What does it matter to people, really? Unless you are going to have sex with them or maybe if you are their Doctor it would matter. But to everyone else, every day? ANY day?

Who the heck cares?

Language Lesson

A note on my use of language.

Y'all - Another form of the word 'You'. It is a contraction of 'You All'. Other variation involves the use of the term Youze(sp).

Are y'all going out with him tonight? (translation: 'Are you going out with him tonight?')

All Y'all - Is the plural form of Y'all. It refers to a group of people. Other variation involves the term Youze Guys.

All y'all come on down here. (translation: 'You, that large group up there, come here')

This ends the public service announcement.

Nail it to the wall

Hey, I can PROJECT.

We did a scene in drama class this week and I applied something I figured out this week.

Okay, maybe it wasn't me that figured it out, but I had something to do with it. My roommate knows about my lack of vocal projection issue (how could she NOT?) and she came up with a suggestion.

(Don't you just HATE how I jump around in a story?)

I like to sing and I have a fairly decent voice. When I sing, I have volume and drive and a decent clarity without slipping into falsetto.

My roommate put these two issues together.

"Why don't you just talk like you sing?"

Well.....duh! It's not a direct application of singing technique but rather the control of air and some of finding the vocal notch to speak in.

It isn't great. My resonance still does bizarre stuff. The technique will take refinement. But I tried it in class last night and the teacher was pleased. There was no vocal strain.

I'll keep y'all appraised.

A Transition of Sorts

I remember my grandparents very well. They were loving, generous, and tried to manipulate the world in their own way.

They were old.

I heard about medical complaints. I drove them to the Doctor. I sat by their hospital beds and translated their stroke-induced speech as best I could. I loved them all very much.

But they were OLD. They were always old. I don't remember them in their middle age. I don't remember them as vibrant youths.

My parents, however, I remember differently. Sure, they seemed old at the time but they were vital and active. They DID things. They were healthy.

I am watching my parents make the shift and it scares me. I see them grasping onto their health as best they can, trying to stay active and eat right. I also see when they don't think that trying that hard is worth it.

I hear about their health complaints. I just want to go up there and make them feel better. I want them to keep their active lives. I don't want them to worry.

I don't want them to get old.

In some cases, transition sucks.

If you were stranded forever on a desert island....

If you were stranded forever on a desert island would you still want to have SRS? (never mind the logistics of getting SRS if you are alone on the island - this is a thought experiment).

Why or Why Not?

Congruency of mind and body, sure. But would it matter?

What about this? What if you didn't know the difference? What if you had no idea what a vagina was? Would it matter?

My usually tangentially-arrived-at point is that transition is a social matter as much as a biological one. Do we transition to hide away at home, afraid of the world? Or do we want to be ourselves, in society, dealing with the nitty-grittiness of life?

Are you doing this to be alone or to be part of the world or are you just saying screw the world and let me be alone.

What does transitioning (including SRS) get you?

Socialization - You can fit in with your peers more easily. Surgery gives them one less excuse to reject you if they are already prone to reject you.

Legal Recognition - The law doesn't recognize your actual gender until you've had the surgery (and not always then). If you get arrested, which jail do they put you in?

Romantic - Opposite gender social situations have a little more safety to them. No promises though.

Body Congruency - I know, this seems to go against the beginning part of this post. Still, it is very real. This keeps coming up, across cultures, for about as far back as we have records. Thought experiments aside, this does still keep coming up.

I still think the biggest gain from transition is that when your body and mind sync up, everything resonates in the nicest way.

Terminology and Connotations

There is a concept to transitioning that is pervasive. The basis of the concept is that you live your life and no one has any idea of your pre-transition life.

So, what word do you use for this? Each one seems to come with its own baggage.

Stealth - This one is popular. A stealth aircraft is nearly invisible to radar by misdirecting the Radar waves or Absorbing them without reflecting them back. Spies are stealthy, blending into the scenery or anonymously into crowds. Many people see this as deceit. The spy connotation does not sit well.

Pass - This comes from a racial concept. A person of African descent through whatever means (mixed heritage, for instance) had light enough skin to 'pass' as white. I believe that those who took advantage of this were often seen as betraying their heritage by denying it.

Woodwork - I'm not sure where this one comes from. A desire to be invisible? I have this picture of some kind of human chameleon whose skin takes on the pattern of the wall behind her. I see this as actively working to be unremarkable.

Assimilate - The US is supposedly a great Melting Pot. Different cultures come here and they are supposed to combine into the unique identity that is the United States. Assimilation is that point in the melting pot where the uniqueness of your background is so dilute that your flavor in nearly indistinguishable from that of the whole (sorry about the apparent cannibalism reference).

Words can be imprecise. The concept that describes what I (and many others) want to do can't easily be tied into one single word. I'm thinking paragraphs, chapters, or maybe novellas will grasp the concept.

Maybe it is just a matter of seizing a word and redirecting its definition.

Maybe we need a new word to define the concept.

Maybe we don't need to refer to it at all. Defining it will remove the power of the act in itself.

Laser Lasts Three Years

I'll admit it.

Fine.

I have never had ANY electrolysis. I did Five sessions of laser for facial hair removal - and it worked.

My last session was just a few days short of 3 years ago.

And now it is coming back. It's not terrible, the facial hair is comparable with a Natal Woman who has gone through menopause or maybe has Polycystic Ovaries. Most of it is peach fuzz but some of it is the same old coarse stuff I used to have.

Like I said, it isn't terrible. I pluck out maybe 5-6 hairs a day. But they are concentrating on one spot on my chin and the plucking is becoming more and more frequent.

I think it may be time for the needle.

An Invite

Last night, someone invited me to church.

As it turns out, I was not outed to my Drama class the other night. Only my vague confirmation to my teacher truly betrayed me. The teacher, true to her word, is keeping quiet.

I am still the one with the 'unique voice', but I can live with that.

I sat next to a young lady in class. She is sweet and appears scared to death whenever she is in front of us. Still, she constantly volunteers every time someone is called for. I can really respect her for that.

Anyway, last night she asked if I went to church. I said 'not at the moment'. So she invited me.

Not just any church, mind you. A MEGACHURCH. One of those behemoth congregations that is practically its own country, with a separate economy, caste system, language and breakfast cereal for all I know (Try Communion Flakes! Body of our Savior in EVERY BITE! Now with MARSHMALLOWS!).

It was nice of her to ask, I know she has my salvation at heart. I know how these places work, I used to belong to one. They are most likely on a 'get the people in the door' promotion. Their charismatic preacher and his minions would set to work on me as soon as I came in the door.

Sound cynical? Sorry.

I am still a Christian - despite transition.

I just have a problem with those who have appointed themselves Christian Leaders.

I have a problem with those who actively campaign against MY RIGHTS and those of my friends.

I have a problem with those who have pre-judged me and found me wanting without even speaking to me.

I have a problem with those who say words of hate and say they are words of love.

I have a problem with those who apparently live by the Bumper Sticker of:

WWJK (Who Would Jesus Kill?)

I have a problem of those who would advocate assassination. If we are to be Christ-like and we think everyone should be Christ-like, when we send someone to MURDER someone, aren't we basically sending in Jesus with a machine gun?

(If only he would have had time, Jesus would have walked across the Mediterranean to Rome and smote Caesar dead?).

Anyway, back to the girl from class. I thanked her and declined.

I'm sure she will try again.

Waking up in tears

I woke up at 4AM this morning, crying.

Something was wrong with a friend of mine - I was sure about it.

I know I have said that I have not lost any friends because of my transition. I have, however, had friends who wandered away.

Let me describe these people to you.

Sam was my best friend through school. We did everything together. He was a year younger than me and it seemed that he did EVERYTHING I did just one year later (including dating the same people, he was just better at it). He got the same scholarships I did, he held the same school offices, we had the same friends. We were a good team.

Mary was the first person I met in college. She lived on the floor above mine, practically in the room above mine. I was beginning to be resigned to the fact that I was not that interested in dating women, we went out anyway but it was always just going out with a sister, a friend. I spent countless hours in her room until 3AM, just talking.

Sam, being a year behind me, of course was going to go to the same school as me. He visited on the weekend a couple of times and I showed him around and intro'd him to my group of friends.

Sam, meet Mary. Mary, meet Sam.

Two years later I stood up with them at their wedding. I was married a few months later (because it was the thing to do).

My spouse did not like them. Specifically, she did not like Mary. When I made plans with them, she got 'sick' and we had to cancel.

I didn't see much of them for years. When I got back to town, I discovered they were very hard to find.

When I did finally catch up with them (after my divorce), they had a bushel of kids and were teaching at a Evangelical Christian University. My ex had ensured that they knew about my transition (in not too flattering terms). They were polite on the phone but our connection had been lost and they did not seem to want to keep any connection with me (they didn't say this, but it was pretty apparent).

This morning at 4 AM, I woke up crying. I was sure that something bad had happened to Mary. Tears were streaming down my face for a half hour.

I don't know how to contact them. I don't know IF I should contact them. I'm pretty sure it was nothing but now I am going to be thinking about it.

Rant

I don't have a great narrative. My life is not an epic saga.

The 'wailing and gnashing of teeth' was pretty minimal in my case.

My life is pretty much blase'.

I've had it easy.

Apparently I have not 'paid my dues'.

My every waking moment does not revolve around my transition.

I have a life and I am NOT SORRY about it.

I write this Blog because sometimes I want to say things. It may not be 'Tranny' enough for some folks.

At what point does it stop? At what point can transition be part of your life and not ALL of your life? Will I forget I transitioned? (Not likely).

Will I stop writing things down here? Maybe. But it will be WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT.

/rant

If thy child offends thee, cut them off?

I don't understand the impetus behind cutting a transitioner out of the family. What makes a parent believe it is acceptible, right, even preferrable to kick their child out of their home because of transition. I don't understand family members who think that vindictive shunning is a really great idea.

So why do they do it?

First of all, they think you are wrong. They think this is temporary insanity. You read a great article about this in a magazine. You watch the Discovery Channel too much.

You are possessed.

Next, they think this is temporary. If you can ride this out. If you can have holy water sprinkled on you. If you can just convince yourself that you are wrong then you will be back to the 'good old you'.

Blindness. They refuse to acknowledge the signs over the years. They didn't see your pain. If they didn't see it - it did not exist.

Vindictive. You are doing this to hurt them. It is because you are being a spoiled child.

What do they hope to accomplish?

Removing their love can show you how the world will reject you. They are teaching you how cruel the world is. This is akin to beating a soldier nearly to death prior to deploying to a war to show him how painful fighting can be. Or maybe it is like shaving your head before you go to get your hair cut, just to show you what getting your hair cut is like.

If they remove all support then you may be hurt enough. Enough for what? Enough for you to only have one place to turn, back to them. And there are conditions.......

Since you are doing this to hurt them (supposedly), then their reaction is to hurt you first. Childish but definitely a possibility.

They are embarrassed by the subject. Do they really want their friends to know about....this? Can't you just wait til they are dead?

They don't think they know you. How could you hide this? THIS?? Because of this one aspect, everything about your life prior is suspect. What ELSE were you hiding?

What to do?

If you want to keep your family (hey, some don't) then you have to figure some things out. Dealing with parents and siblings as adults is a hard shift to make even without transition being involved.

Who you associate yourself with is a choice.

Be independent. Not alone. Cover your own finances. Have close friends outside the family. Associate with them if it is your choice, not because you feel you have to.

Be giving. Give information. Fulfill your role in the family until they give you a reason not to.

Pick your battles. Understand that this is a BIG change for them. Give them time.

In the end remember it is your life to live and not theirs. To have family support is a fantastic thing but not everyone can have it.