The Practice Job (Part 6)

I really did consider the store to be my 'happy place'. I would go in when it wasn't my shift. I spent more money there than I made.

Oh, here is one useful thing I used the store for.

I went 'Full Time' on a Monday and my FFS was scheduled for the following Monday. My basic philosophy was that everyone wouldn't have their imagination running wild while I was away for a few weeks recovering.

The Friday of that week, my Mother was coming down to care for me after FFS. She would also see me for the first time, ever.

There was a little stress involved that week (understatement warning).

So, back to Mom.

Mom was a bit worried about my life. I think she was worried that I was going to enter this fringe society and soon I would be jobless, and all my friends were in exactly the same position as me. I would not have any 'normal' friends (or at least any who weren't just making fun of me behind my back).

So I took Mom to the store.

I introduced her around.

I astounded her with the total normalcy of my life. I used the tone of my life to calm my Mother's fears.

It helped. It really, really did.

Knowing that you have a wide safety net is a huge help in getting others to support you. I think many people think that if they support your transition, they run the risk of being your sole emotional support.

That scares people.

Spread it out.

The Practice Job (Part 5)

I fell into a pretty standard pattern. Get up, pretend to be a guy and go to work. Rush home. Change. Work at the store. Come home. Collapse.

Repeat.

The store saw me through my initial awkward stages. It was the place that I surrendered my crutches. I remember the torment I went through when I finally gave up the fall I wore to hide my short hair.

I was complimented on my new hair cut - that's it.

The store was my 'happy place'.

I originally had a two year plan before I would start my RLT. My timeframe was based on when I thought I would accomplish all the little tasks I needed to have done prior to Full Time.

In short my list was this:

No artificial hair.
No beard cover mandatory.
Enough money to live for several months without a job.

My parents wanted to add things like:
No debt whatsoever (something that would take 7-8 years).
10 year cooling off period.

(I took my parents input as advice-only)

There were a few more things on my checklist but they seem pretty minor now.

Ah well, The Best Laid Plans of Mice. Eh?

Six months after starting Part-Time I ended up going full time. Five days later I visited Dr. O for some facial restructuring. By the time my initial full time deadline hit, I was already all through with Genital Origami.

I would definitely recommend the checklist approach vs. a timeline approach to transition. In my mind, it is much more practical.

Next...the end of the Practice Job.

(To Be Continued...)

If this kind of historical entry is helpful please keep letting me know. It is difficult for me to write this much of my actual life events vs the conceptual stuff.

The End of the Age

Daylight Savings Time is over again. Even with the 'Spring Forward, Fall Back' saying I still get a little turned around on whether or not I get extra sleep or not (in case you couldn't tell, I over-think things). In any case, I have moved my clocks back the requisite hour.

So I have come up with some silly analogies that resonate a little more with me.

I slept though that hour incorrectly, so now I have to do it again.

I am playing a song in 4/4 time and the composer stuck a 5/4 bar in, just to mess with us (apparently).

I had the most vivid feeling of Vuja De, that nagging feeling that I HAVE experienced this before.

The Practice Job (Part 4)

My transition became pretty much an open secret at the store. Let's face it, they saw my whole transition from 'Aunt Martha' to some semblence of age appropriate style.

Still, it was not talked about in the open but I made the assumption that everyone had been told.

Every week, those who had the night off went bowling. The purpose of course, was not actual bowling, but instead an excuse to drink a little beer and be sociable.

That, and I suck at bowling.

We had a full spectrum of age ranges that participated, anywhere from 16 to 50-something. Age didn't matter all that much, we all got along and teased each other mercilessly.

One night, a few of were sitting at a table, waiting for our lane.

Jeffrey was (is) a lanky kid, in his early 20's. He is funny, goobery, and not always appropriate in his comments. He was one of those awkward kids in school. He was a lot of fun.

As part of our conversation Jeffrey started giving me a hard time (no, not about THAT). He was mocking me for being old, for actually going to the initial release of Star Wars (he is a HUGE Star Wars fanatic).

At one point I had enough. I needed to get him bad enough that he would lay off a bit.

I simply told him "I was just like you at your age."

Yeah, that pretty much did it.

The Practice Job (Part 3A - Drake's Law)

At the beginning of a transition, many many people go through the phase known as 'Part Time'. This means living part of your life presenting as one gender and part presenting as the other.

How the heck do you get away with it?

The chances of being discovered are far too high? Aren't they?

I will now go into a geekish subject area. I'll try to not let your eyes glaze over.

The Drake Equation is an attempt to determine the number of extra-terrestrial civilizations that we could come in contact with.

This is the equation:

The Drake equation states that:
N = R* x fp x ne x fl x fi x fc x L
where:
N is the number of extraterrestrial civilizations in our galaxy with which we might expect to be able to communicate

and

R* is the rate of star formation in our galaxy
fp is the fraction of those stars which have planets
ne is average number of planets which can potentially
support life per star that has planets
fl is the fraction of the above which actually go on to develop life
fi is the fraction of the above which actually go on to develop intelligent life
fc is the fraction of the above which are willing and able to communicate
L is the expected lifetime of such a civilization

What this boils down to is a series of factors that each independently add a major portion to the equation. If the expected lifetime of a civilization is too small, for instance, no one will live long enough to communicate with anyone else.

So Geekette, you ask, how does this apply?

You! In the back row! Kindly stay awake!

Think of the factors that apply to your social circles.

How many social circles do you belong to?

How many people are in those
circles?

Where are they located geographically?

How large are
the social circles of each person you deal with?

How far from a given
area is a person likely to travel?

How noticeable are you (in any
circle)?

How many people are you dealing with?

If you are in a town of 200 people, the chances of keeping your lives quarantined from each other are next to nil. In a larger city, however, there is potential.

If you don't know all that many people the risk factors are lower. If you are the CEO of your company, it becomes much much harder. (ask me about Camp Counselor Syndrome)

If the towns in your area are relatively self-contained then people don't have to travel to the next town to get what they need. If there is only one mall for 300 miles then.....

If you are one of the invisible people (non descript) then you may work with people for years and they still don't know your name.

What I am saying is that you have to adjust what you can to make the equation work. If you are well known, you may have to move part-time further away. You may have to work at being non-descript (How? I have no idea).

Schools have cliques but they also have those who travel between social circles. There is a huge chance that your second life won't stay all that low profile for long.

So, if you apply your analysis of your situation right, the chances of being discovered are astronomical, right?

They get better but remember, someone always wins the lottery eventually.

Know what you are going to do if, even after all your consideration, the circles of your lives intersect.

The Practice Job (part 3)

It was a little disconcerting, living at least two different lives.

Trying to quarantine them from each other was bizarrely simple but it took a little thought.

• First, I got a cell phone. The cell was exclusively Anne's. The home phone was exclusively Andy's.
• The bookstore was 40 miles away from my regular job.
• No one expected me to have a second job.

Thus began a time of my life that was both euphoric and exhausting. I worked a full week at my main job and then up toe 30 hours at the store.

Like I said - exhausting.

I worked at letting go of the male facade.

Did I screw up? Sure. Customers were respectful, I can't think of a truly bad experience that I had there. At least nothing unbearable.

Sure there was the little girl who asked "Mommy, why is that lady's voice so funny?"

And the gentleman who, after I helped at the register, went to the cafe and told me friend how 'Nice the Lady-Gentleman' was a few minutes before.

And I loved the job. I remembered obscure books that I saw on a shelf the week before. I fought with the search engine for the in store inventory. I taught the management how to use a spreadsheet.

I had friends and I was beginning to have a life.

(to be continued)

is any of this interesting?

The Practice Job (Part 2)

So I took the bookstore job. I had only a few goals:

Deal with people.

Be Social.

Practice things like voice and learn how to dress appropriately.

Not Scare Children.

No mixing of people who knew me 'before' with people I just met.

I didn't really expect to make friends that easily. But after my 2nd day I found myself invited to Bowling, Movies, Parties etc. My social calendar was really full!

I dressed horrendously! I was a bizarre mix of soccer mom and 80's high schooler. I learned quickly.

My voice sucked. I had a bag of cough drops with me all the time.

The basic philosphy I still think was a good one. Do retail - you see people for 5 minutes at a time then THEY GO AWAY. If you screw up bad enough then QUIT.

Except for a complete lack of sleep, the experiment was a success.

(to be continued)

The Practice Job (Part 1)

There are threshholds to transition. One for me was the beginning of 'part-time'.

'Part-Time' is a bit of a misnomer, I am my self all of the time. PT makes it sound like an after school job.

Funny thing, it kind of was.

My first real attempts at presenting as female were kind of sad. REALLY sad. My hair was short but growing out. I had a dark beard shadow and a heavy brow bone.

My initial attempts I refer to as my 'Aunt Martha' stage. I had a full wig, dermablend, and I wore costume glasses to attempt to hide my brow bone.

It was kinda sad really. I was a bit scared about how I was going to be seen for the rest of my life.

But, things progressed. My hair grew out enough where I could get by with a fall. I did 3-4 sessions of laser on my face. I combed my exposed hair forward into what could only be described as a 'wall of bangs'.

More or less, I passed.

I didn't tell anyone at work about my impending transition. I wanted to reduce the shock value.

I wanted to keep my job (mainly I wanted to keep money coming in).

Just for the experience of getting out in the world, I applied for jobs.

Namely, I applied for two jobs - in retail. Worst case they would mock me. Best case is that I get some experience dealing with people.

I was a little shocked when each place offered me a job. The jobs were a bit different, a womens clothing store and a book store.

I wanted experience dealing with both men and women so I took the job at the bookstore.

That created a whole new set of obstacles.

(to be continued)

BREATHE DARNIT!

When the emotions are flying and it seems like you just have to lash out and DO something, please do me a favor.

Don't.

Unless someone's life is on the line. Don't.

I don't mean someone's emotional life (I am thinking of the teenager 'My life will be OVER if I don't get to go to the party!').

If the decision is so Earth shattering then it can probably wait a minute.

Think.

Breathe.

Think some more.

Do NOT quit your job. Do NOT lash out at your boss. Do NOT start your RLT while active duty in the Navy in a Submarine in the middle of the North Pacific.

Breathe.

Think.

Plan.

Give yourself some time to catch up with your own decision.

Unless your life is in danger then don't decide to move out of your home and live in your car.

Just take a step back and breathe awhile.

Okay?

The Extremes

I've been following some discussions on the extremes that some transitioners demonstrate. It seems that many transitioners practice hobbies that are considered hyper-masculine and then, when they transition, tend to the hyper-feminine.

If you jump feet first into a pool from a height, your plummet does not stop at the surface of the water. You sink well under the surface. Say you plunge ten feet under water. Do you stay at that depth? No. If you have the requisite level of buoyancy in your system (fat/air/swallowed pieces of styrofoam) you begin an ascent. If you do not move, your body finds its natural level of buoyancy and stays there.

In many ways, transition is like jumping into the water from a vast height. Some people rebel against their identity, they compensate by trying really hard to keep to a masculine ideal. When they jump into transition, they feel they need to leave all of that behind and try to embrace an uber-girly stereotype.

Everyone needs to find their own point of buoyancy - it takes time.

Why do some hold onto stereotypically male hobbies? For that we have to think of why they got into them in the first place. Take cars, for example (not one of my vices but one I have seen). In a little boy, interest in cars can truly be encouraged. Handing wrenches to Dad, learning how things fit together. Making something work. There is a level of acceptance built into the practice. For little girls, it has been seen as odd. The practice was discouraged.

If you are encouraged to do something and an adult takes the time to teach you, you tend to get better at something. People prefer to succeed rather than fail. Success gives you a feeling of accomplishment. You link the hobby with that feeling - it becomes something that gives you comfort.

There are Natal Women who enjoy working on cars. True, they are rare but they do exist. The practice in itself is neither male nor female. Why would you give something up that you enjoy just because it doesn't fit the typical norms?

I suppose in my usually roundabout way is that each of us has to find their own equilibrium. We each need to find the life we are most comfortable in.

So Endeth the Ramble

A new addiction

A couple weeks ago, I purchased my first iPod (not my 1st MP3 player, just my first actual Apple product). The reason for the purchase (other than it being really, really cool looking) was to support my new habit.

Podcasts.

I know, I could play the infernal things on my old MP3 player. But I found it really annoying that it wouldn't save the place I was at and I spent 10 minutes of my drive home holding the Fast Forward button just to get to the place where I left off. IPods will save my place.

Anyway, back to Podcasts. They really are neat. You pick and choose what you are interested in and download what is essentially a radio show and listen at your leisure.

I am SO addicted.

I can see a couple problems with the concept, though. One is the isolation of the information. The 'casts cover one subject and cover it pretty well but there is no DIVERSITY in the content. 'casts tend to isolate us in a world we already know. What about broadening horizons?

What about that little side note out of left field that inspires something in you? Sanitized specialized information tends to eliminate all that extraneous information. Every once in a while it is good to throw something new into the mix.

Another problem is real time information. News and traffic. Everything is delayed.

Yet another problem is interaction. Sure you can call in and leave questions or comments but with a radio program there is always that small chance that I will be riled or inspired enough to call in and talk with the hosts. With the delay of a 'cast, that real time information is virtually impossible.

Still, I am willing to take the downside because of the upside.

I am truly, madly, deeply hooked.

Over the rainbow

"I know this would be better if I were post-op."

Post op is the Holy Grail for many, many transitioners.

One day you are being wheeled into surgery and the next the sun will be brighter, your teeth whiter, puppies and bluebirds will follow you around, and all your clothes will have that fresh, just washed smell.

Right?

C'mon, RIGHT???

In reality not much changes. If you heal quickly and regain your mobility right away, most people won't even know (barring those of you who live in nudist colonies).

An MTF individual will add a new personal hygiene chore to her daily routine and you HAVE to be sure there is always TP when you have to go to the bathroom.

Life goes on. Your personality doesn't magically change. If you were a shy wallflower before then, sorry to say, that probably won't be any different.

What does change?

Legal identity and SOME level of protection if you decide to get naked with someone.

Oh, and sex - that changes quite a bit.

So why do people expect the big difference?

The legal and safety factor play a big part. You now have the potential to shoot down any challenge to your gender.

"Do you have a penis?"

"No, but I keep my boyfriends' testicles in my purse. Why, did you lose yours?"

"No no no. DID you have a penis?"

"Yes, didn't I mention the boyfriend?"

Getting the body in sync with the mind can improve your confidence but it won't change your personality. At least it shouldn't.

Believe

Chromosomes

their existence and function

are a matter of FAITH

Mind Tweak

It is absolutely impossible for you to change someone else's mind.

The process of thought is the ultimate solo flight. You are in your mind alone (hopefully).

You can alter someone's actions but the impetus to change those actions comes from within the person performing them.

You can argue, cajole, threaten, confuse, instruct, plead. But the only actual change comes when that person takes all of the input of their lives and convinces themself to think another way.

Thought change is result of processing. All you can do is provide people with all the tools they need (plus argue, cajole, threaten, confuse, instruct, plead) and let it happen.

You can't hold someone accountable to their thoughts.

Actions, however, are a different story....

Hit it with a hammer

There are two ways to get something done.

First is the skillful way, a way of finesse that takes into account all of the minute details. The resulting solution is a thing of beauty in itself, worthy of praise and admiration. All hail this solution, the archetype of problem solving!

The second (and more common) way is to hit it with a hammer.

Case in point, a computer program. You have a wonderful design, you know what each part is supposed to do.

You take input A and give back result B.

You are sure there is a wonderful way to get from A to B. A single line of code that is staggeringly powerful and beautiful.

But you can't figure it out. You search the online forums, beg from genuises you know. Offer a ritual sacrifice but STILL the elegant solution is nowhere to be found.

But you know it exists. Even if you do find it in the end, your search will have taken weeks.

Hitting it with a hammer is the process of breaking it down and writing a hundred lines of code that does exactly the same thing (albeit messier and maybe less efficient).

"Mongo like programming."

In another example you are in a foreign country where you do not speak the language. You have accidentally broken your hand and you need medical attention.

Do you study your guide book and put together a treatise on how excruciating the pain is, how silly you feel about how the accident happened, how your Mother had warned you to wear clean underwear?

Do you not do anything until you have this beautiful essay ready?

Or do you walk up to someone who looks like they might know the area and hold up your bloody, shattered hand and say the local equivalent of "Hospital. Please. Ow."?

It's time

Hiatus

But a point to think about before I go.

There are two people 'A' and 'B'. Each has their own goals.

'A' wants 'B' dead.

'B' wants to stay alive.

What's the compromise? 'B' only gets mortally wounded?

Compromise is not always a good answer.