Sleep

Sleep is a crutch.

Sleep when you die.

Sleep is for the weak.

Sleeping is cheating.

No Nap!

The Voice Trick

It's fun at parties!

It's all the rage!

Stun your friends!

It's.....the VOICE TRICK!!

A lovely woman is speaking to you. Suddenly, she gets a mischievous look in her eye and looks at you. Then, in a voice reminiscent of Isaac Hayes or even Bowser (Sha Na Na) she says.

"How you doin'?"

The room pays attention. People roll with laughter. Some looked stunned. She is the center of all attention.

Great, eh?

I'll admit it, early in my transition I did 'the voice trick'. I can think of a couple of theories why.

1. It's funny. Getting people to laugh diffuses tension.
2. It is a way to 'not worry about it'. Afraid of letting something slip? This is a great way to avoid the question of 'Do they suspect something?'. They won't - they now know.

Why don't I do it anymore?

Respect for my friends. If they haven't told their friends about you, you are putting them in an awkward position because they haven't told them first. Even if there is a question about you then you haven't confirmed it.

It makes the physical act of speaking more difficult. I don't know if it is atrophy or what but the longer you go without lapsing into the male voice - the harder it is to achieve. The biggest aid to my voice - full time.

I have friends that transitioned a little after me. True, I wasn't around for much of the awkward parts of the journey but, and I think this is important, I have NEVER heard her speak in a male voice. She assures me she can but she won't do it and I don't want her to. To me, it would just be wrong. I think it would put a huge dent in my image of her. She respects me enough not to pull the trick on me.

Now I am not saying that you have to have a great voice. It takes time (lots of time). I just think that after you have it - stay there. Even if people have heard you speak in the more masculine tones, don't let them hear them again. Consistency is the key to having them disregard/forget/suppress their knowledge of the prior you.

**If anyone is actually reading this, let me know. Okay?**

Magical Mystery Tour

I went to a pub with a friend to see a band. She has been gushing about them for weeks and finally we found a time where we both could go. So, we trekked to the wilderness of San Jose - my friend, her brother, and me.

She is pretty outgoing (but not in an obnoxious way). The goal of the evening was to have fun and enjoy the band. And she FINALLY has stopped outing me to people.

The band was outstanding, one of the best Beatles cover bands I have heard. The place was packed. So where do we end up? In front, next to the sound board (and most of the crew).

Note to self: RELAX and HAVE FUN.

I suppose I am still in a protective mode. I have trouble letting go and just having fun. Still, I don't think I should take the LSD I was offered.

In order, the guys of the evening were:

Drunk young guy - Surprisingly he was still standing by the end of the evening.

Mystical Quiet Stalker Guy - Do you know in horror movies when the bad guy is about a mile off. The camera focus shifts for a split second and then he is only a half mile away - then a quarter mile - the RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. No transitional movement - just materializing in the next spot (something quantum mechanical about that). Still, I got a weird vibe from him.

Bass Player - We made almost constant eye contact through the gig. He came down and talked between sets.

Band Manager Type - He was with the band in some official capacity. By far he was the most flirtatious. The only issue we had was that I was not expressive enough. "Are you having fun at all?" he asked. I was, I am just not great at showing it.

Drunker Young Guy - He really wanted to dance. He looked about ready to lose it and I didn't want puke all over me.

The Brother - My friends brother. I promised her I wouldn't hit on him. But we did have some nice conversations.

Next time notes:

• Do NOT be the driver.
• Have fun - dance.
• Do not worry about how I look.

Oh, and a funny point. There were at least 3 other transitioners in the room - all, at least to the room at large - stealth. They were all expressing their joy a lot more than me.

Questions I no longer answer

"Is so-and-so TS?"

People assume we all know each other. We don't.

I know it is a wonderful subject to talk about but people ask yourself this....

"WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW???"

Are you going to marry/date/sleep with this person? Does the configuration of their genitalia at any time in their life have any effect whatsoever on your life?

If you say 'of course' then ask yourself if it matters about your boss? You Doctor? The postal worker. What about all those people that you deal with regularly that probably are NOT TS?

Why would I answer this question? Why would I intentionally out someone?

How the heck do you answer the question without it appearing like an answer in the affirmative?

Straightforward answers have a ring of 'No Comment' confirmation.

Usually I joke and change the subject if they ask this about anyone.

"I never asked."

"I suppose I could have her drop her pants and I could look for the Dr.'s initials. But she may be offended. It could take a minute - do you have a speculum in your purse?"

"Funny, she asked the same about you."

"She's not in the TS phonebook."

"Well, I didn't recruit her?"

The Goober Factor

Here is something I noticed. I am not sure that people who haven't transitioned can see this or not but I thought it was interesting.

Prior to transition guys were normal. They acted in a certain way. They were competitive some of the time. They joked easily. They didn't act all....weird.

Post transition is another story.

Guys are goobers. Some of them anyway. They seem to forget how to speak (though they clearly want to speak). They have a tendency to stick their feet deep into their throats.

It is kinda cute really.

It got me thinking that there are people out there who have not seen the other side of men. So they think that is completely normal. No wonder men get the goober stereotype in sitcoms.

It gets me thinking about what else people miss. What am I missing?

and.....ACTION!

Last night was drama class...again. For once, the instructor had a few assignments due. So, of course, a good portion of the class didn't show. That left the rest of us with a little more personal attention.

I had two main events for the evening. First, we did a situational improv. This was not a 'who's line is it anyway' kind of thing - it was an exercise in motivation and trying to react honestly in a situation. We were the first ones on. I was essentially the blocker. I had something the other person wanted and I didn't want to give it up. My motivation was not quite clear. I think in a similar circumstance I would have given in. Anyway, I received a lot of compliments on the scene but I still felt awkward.

The other thing I did was my monologue. This was our first read through and 4 of us tried it. Anyway, I ran through mine and it turned out...okay (okay defined as rushed...angry...I think I sucked). So, the instructor gave me some direction and the class chimed in. I didn't feel bad about their input - I actually appreciated it.

So my monologue is supposed to be to another person. The other person is non-existent. The instructor had a guy from the class sit next to me on the couch and had me do portions of my monologue again. At first I was stilted, like I was reading it. Then it slowly got better. My drive changed, the anger dissipated and I was more a woman who loved a man who did something that could drive him away. And I really didn't want to drive him away.

What a difference.

I may get to like this acting stuff.

Changing Names...

When you were little, did your folks give you a childish nickname?

It could be something innocuous as the ever present 'y' on the end of your name (Danny, Robbie, Ricky, Petey).

Remember when you didn't want to be called that anymore? When it was just EMBARRASSING to be called that childish name still?

I am sure everyone just calmly told their parents to just stop it. Of course they complied right away. So did siblings, grandparents, neighbors. Right?

Not likely.

I know with me, I was shaking that booger off my finger for a long time. It took years.

When we transition, it is much the same, just worse. We don't only want to be called something else. We also want to change pronouns.

That ain't easy.

Ask for an honest effort. If that doesn't work, then explain to them that it starts to make them look senile. If they insist on explaining your entire medical history to people then you have a whole different issue (more on that later).

Valentine's Day Mas.....Day

I'm single, divorced, and I am not spending a romantic evening with someone.

I should be depressed or something, right?

But I'm not. For some bizarre reason.

Actually, I am in a pretty darn good mood. Lack of romance in my life? The blame for it lies squarely with me. Last year at this time I was out being social. I dated quite a bit.

Lately, I've been a hermit. Who the heck would I meet in my own house?

The pattern of my life is stabilizing. Romance will come again when I am ready for it.

Political Rant (Part 2)

The ability to let your past fade away is at an end. As database systems get more and more pervasive the ability to change your identification gets harder and harder.

There is going to be a National ID card. Soon.

They won't call it that but I see two places where it looks like that is EXACTLY what they are doing.

1. National Drivers License standards. Supporting documents are necessary in order to get a DL. These documents will be stored PERMANENTLY. Included in the list is a Birth Certificate. Some of us were able to get new BC's and have the old ones sealed. Sealed doesn't mean much, after all the Government locked it away so the Government has the key. But when they tie the databases together, does history go along with it? What about pre-transition DL information from other states? It'll all be right there.

2. National Health Records. One of the ideas behind this is that no matter where you are, you can have your health records there for you. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? (choirs of kittens and cuddly Teddy Bears - Poppa Government is looking out for you.) How do you access those records then? How do you make sure no one else can access your records? You guessed it, an ID card or, at the very least, an ID number. Good to know that my optometrist can get the skinny on the origami of my genitalia.

Why Keep Them At All?

So if I am all fired up about getting out of the TS community then why do I still have TS friends?

I don't have a choice.

My friends are my friends. They are friends first whether or not they are TS. I cannot choose to disown them now.

They are my friends. Not just people who I met along the way. Not just aquaintences of convenience. Friends.

I don't see them as being the ' TS Community'. When we go out and do things, we don't dwell on our shared medical history. There is so much more to the world than just this.

Drama class was awesome this week!

Since I talk with people less and less about my transition in RL, I am saying most of it here.

How about this perspective weirdness: A community is made up of people but a person is not the community.

Uninvited Houseguests

I have built this world around me. It is fairly comfortable and I like it. One of the foundations of this world is the fact that I control who knows my 'function' and who doesn't. Sure there are leaks now and then (it is just too juicy not to tell). But for the most part, I am in control.

I have friends (believe it or not). Some of these friends are TS and they come to visit. No problem, right? Right. I don't see these folks as being people who would out me (by disclosure or critical mass).

I love to see them.

The problem comes when they start inviting others to my home. They bring the out-and-proud group along. You know, the ones who chastise you for not being in peoples faces.

I don't feel comfortable with that. In fact I hate the fact that they are taking advantage of me.

"If you are okay with me, then you HAVE to feel okay with them."

Makes sense, right?

Actually, no I don't. I feel violated. I feel used. I feel angry. How dare they decide to abuse my friendship and redesign my life.

I guess I am not a good friend.

It is enough to make me want to go the Witness Protection Route.

"Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. I want to add on a wing and a poolhouse, what does that make me?"

Glass slippers don't get much traction

The Cinderella Syndrome.

There you are, late in your RLT or Post-Op. You have a modicum of confidence and it is beginning to show.

Men notice. (Actually men notice pretty much anything with breasts but they are actually showing interest).

He asks you out. Nervously you say 'yes'. You go on the date and there is no chemistry. None. Yet he asks you out again, and again, and again.

Do you keep going out with him? Even if you don't really like him much?

Having men interested in you is terribly validating. But a low self-esteem can keep you beating your head against a smelly wall.

Prince Charming can sweep you off your feet. But what standards are we using to determine our Prince Charming? At what point do we settle for Prince Breathing-and-a-pretty-solid-pulse?

I have a tendency to end relationships early (or have them end on me early). I can't see doing something I don't want to do because it is the thing to do.

Still, I wait for Prince Attractive-and-Fun-and-Tall-and-Cool-and-Smells-really-Good.

Someday, my Prince will come.

Laxative of the mind

I am revisiting the idea of why I am writing in this blog.

The thing is, I am getting a little preachy.

So why then? I was going to say it was cathartic and then I looked up what that word actually meant:

n.
An agent for purging the bowels, especially a laxative.

Ewww

Then, of course, I read on further and got:

cathartic
adj 1: emotionally purging [syn: psychotherapeutic] 2: emotionally purging (of e.g. art) [syn: releasing] 3: strongly laxative [syn: evacuant, purgative]

That's better.

So basically I am just purging out the things that I think should be said. That way I can go onward. If people comment or something, great. I'd like to know if I am helping people or just ticking them off.

So you are going to do it? Fine.

This is nowhere near as comprehensive as what Andrea has on TSRoadmap. I have seen people do this well, I have seen them trip all over themselves. Here are my basic tips.

1. Gather information. Talk to people who have taken this path before you.
2. Determine your goal. Is it stealth? Do you care if anyone around you knows?
3. What are your liabilities? Is it voice? Do you have a beard that grows like a chia pet shown in fast-motion?
4. Consider your resources. To be blunt. Money.

Build a checklist. This is a series of goals that you will accomplish along your journey. Each step should be sequential. Go ahead and put a date on each goal but don't hold yourself to it. Some things happen faster than you expect and some slower.

Here are some of my goals (done in stages).

Goal - Part Time.

1. Facial Hair. Do I have to wear clay on my face to cover it up?
2. Scalp Hair. Do I need a wig? At what point do I stop using it?
3. Voice. OMG voice is really, really difficult.

If I accomplish a level of success on these then I move on to next goal.

So, I bought every voice lesson media that I could. I took a lesson from a local voice coach. I decided that I could get away without a full wig but I needed a fall.

Laser worked really well for me. Facial hair was not a problem.

Goal - Full Time.

1. Money. What happens if I lose my job? Will I be stuck in an in-between state? How much money do I need to be able to survive between jobs? (answer 4 months expenses).
2. Voice. How do I get better?
3. Socialization. Do I want to be a caricature? Have to get to know people outside of the transitioners at large.
4. Job. How do I keep my job. Do I WANT to keep my job?
5. Stealth. I don't want children scared of me. I don't want to be pointed at as a subject of derision. Can I do this facially? How is my body? Do I need help?

I did a few things. I saved money and made some more by getting a part time job where they only knew my new self. I wasn't stealth there but I got lots of socialization. Those people are my friends to this day. This in turn helped my voice.

I spoke with HR only. The idea of my transitioning is too big of news for anyone to keep quiet for long. I planned on a last minute spring it on them approach.

Stealth. I decided on FFS. That would enable those at work to accept me easier

Timing was everything. I had FFS planned so I told everyone about a week prior to the actual surgery. That way they could see I wasn't a drag queen and hopefully I wouldn't be too much of an embarrassment.

(On a side note, my voice really clicked about three weeks after Full-time)

I don't know if this is helping people (heck, I don't even know if people are reading this except those who post comments).

I can go on with this if people want otherwise it is back to your regularly scheduled program.

Unsolicited Advice

You say you want to transition?

Let me give you some advice.

Don't do it. It is too hard. You may lose everything. You will expend every resource, strain most of your friendships and put your personal safety at risk.

Did that convince you?

At this point, a potential transitioner has to make a choice.

Don't continue. Anne says I shouldn't do it. She has been through it. She knows.

The other choice.

What, are you nuts? I don't have a better option. I HAVE to transition. Even if Anne is right, the cost is worth living my own true life. I don't care what she tells me to do.

Do you see what I am getting at? Each of us has to weigh the costs and make the choice for ourselves.

Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best. Deal with what you get.

Turn your head and......

I met my new Primary Physician today. My old physician moved to a different facility so I had to choose a new one. Rather than take the GLBT referral, I just called and asked for a woman Doctor.

She was nice, I found her accent a little hard to understand at time but I think we will get along well.

Only one problem. I tried to explain to her about my 'function'. I think it is important for a Doctor to know what she is dealing with.

I don't think she believed me.

"I had Vaginoplasty."

"So this was congenital?"

Sigh. Rather than continue in the philosophical realm....

"The surgeon constructed a Vagina. I didn't have one before."

"You poor dear...."

etc. etc. etc.

She refreshed my refills for estrogen and ordered a blood test.

She had me promise to get an OB/GYN appointment. I left it at that.

I'm sure the lightbulb will go on over her head soon.

I don't think it will be quite like that at the OB/GYN.

Anyway, not as traumatic as I thought.

We'll see how the next appointment goes.

Evil in the form of.....me

A friend and I went to an event this weekend, sponsored by a local radio station.

It was nice. The people were friendly, the beer was...I don't know....beer.

(Not evil yet - wait for it)

So, who do I see across the courtyard? Wonderful, it is someone from the 'to-be-described-in-a-later-post' inappropriate support group. I really didn't want to deal with her (I can only be chastised for not dressing like Britney with Dragon Lady Nails so many times before I SNAP!).

Crowds meander, as crowds often do. Sure enough, a while later I found myself next to her.

Now I can't be totally rude, she has seen me at this point.

So I say "Hi, nice to see you."

She returns the greeting and starts to go in like we will continue this long conversation.

At which point I make an uber-lame excuse and walk away, not introducing her to my friend. I spent the rest of the time trying to casually keep my distance.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"Hi, I'm Anne."

"Hi Anne!"

"I've been evil for many years and it has now been 30 hours since my last diabolic demonstration."

Sociology and the band-geek

It is always interesting to watch people in a large group divide by personality. Without much variation personality and the role in the group correlate pretty well.

But, does the role determine the personality or the other way around? Or is it all just a big coincidence?

There is a personality to a Wind Ensemble and likewise to Orchestras.

Percussionists are the wild ones, the jokesters and party animals.
Flutes are used to getting their way. They have a tendency to consider themselves 'above' the rest.
Tuba players are happy.
French Horns are perfectionists.
Saxophones are the popular ones.

etc etc etc
(I could go on, but then you get into Orchestral social dynamics which changes it all around a bit too)

Now, are these attributes (stereotypes) simply some skewed view of the instrumental role? Or do the groups that take these people draw like types to them? Or is there a weeding out process that does this? Or is this all just hallucination?

There are other communities with similar dynamics but band seemed the most universal for showing it.

'Dude' is not an insult

"Here is your food. You guys want anything else?"

Ordinarily this would be an innocuous phrase - even to groups of Natal Women. Guys is equivalent to y'all or just a generic term for a group of people.

Not so if the group contains a MTF who has been bloodied in the Pronoun Wars.

"We are not GUYS. We are women. Can't you see that?"

An innocent friendly remark is interpreted as an attack on the customers gender.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Dude, are you sure?"

The speaker here is calling you:

1. A person on a Dude ranch.

2. A male.

3. Nothing, they are just referring to you.

The answer is probably 3.

- - - - - - - - - -

So, how to respond to this? You can jump up and down and proclaim your womanhood. This, in turn, brings extra attention on yourself and makes you look like a flake. If they hadn't misgendered you before then they will probably do it now.

The thing is, the generic pronouns in American English are male. Remember, it makes them look like an idiot when they get it wrong.

If you make a stink, then you bring them to hyper sensitivity. Then they do the awkward dropping of gendering alltogether.

"Do you people want anything else?"

The result is overly formal and it just sounds plain weird.

I know, I know. This doesn't always hold true. There are the accusatory uses as well.

"That's a GUY!"

"Are you a dude?"

Deal with these as you will.

But sometimes the best reaction is not to react.

The Oracle Says.....

"Should I transition?"

"What should I do? Should I go full time?"

"I don't know if I should transition or not."

My gut response to these questions is simple....

HOW THE HECK SHOULD I KNOW?????

What I end up saying is something else.

"No one can answer that but you."

"If you don't think you should, then don't."

"You don't have to necessarily make a decision to go full time. One day you wake up and you realize that you haven't been going back and forth at all."

"If you can live your life without transitioning, then do it."

No one likes these answers. I didn't like these answers when people gave them to me.

Sucks, doesn't it?

I think what people really want is a promise that everything will turn out all right. The want certainty. The want rock solid answers to questions that don't have them.

Life is fluid. Life is motion. Life is unpredictable. The best you can ever do is reduce the odds of failure and press on. What are you willing to risk? What is really AT risk?

Then there are the people in your life. Who are they? Can you predict their behavior? Can you predict ANYBODY'S behavior? Expect to be surprised.

Sempre Gumby (always flexible).

Plan for the worst - hope for the best.

Take your TIME.

Plan.

Adapt.

And remember always that your Transition is NOT your life. Transition is a situation to be dealt with. Life happens afterwards too.

Don't forget to live your life.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while - you might miss it." - Ferris Bueller

Recess (with homework)

Well, I survived Drama...again. Actually, some of it is pretty fun. For some reason the teacher picks me for a lot of participation (maybe because I am the closest to his age). It is hard not to be self-conscious but I am getting there.

All the things we did to prepare for the last class were pretty much forgotten. Instead we did some mime-type stuff and talked about method acting.

I don't think anyone in the class has a clue about my background (or at least are acting like they don't).

I got to class a couple minutes early and ended up with a 30-something guy on my right and a girl on my left. I didn't sense any uneasiness being around me so I think my place is established.

Today we had one of those team meetings at work. The one that dealt directly with Transitioner Issues. My company is pretty cool, they are doing some cutting edge stuff in favor of our situation.

My job is to create an info release that covers the benefits we are affording people. I don't know how but I can give it a shot. The publicity folks and lawyers are going to look at it before it goes anywhere anyway.

No Valentine this year :-(

Well, last year was fun.

Belated Drama Class Entry (two birds)

Last week in Drama class...

(Then...one time.....at band camp.....)

Anyway...One time....last week....in Drama class....

We do this exercise. It calls for spontaneous improvisational interactive movement. Each week he practically begs for volunteers. I bit the bullet and tried it.

I didn't connect with the group totally. By the end I was connecting a bit. Movement is not my forte', I do much better with visual learning and musical response.

How did I feel? Self conscious, awkward, cumbersome, silly, self conscious, plodding. Did I say self-conscious yet?

The self-conscious thing, THAT is what I have to get over.

A wise woman once told me "Get over it. You aren't that important to them."

She had a point, people are more caught up in themselves to worry about me.

You have to see this commercial

Best.

Commercial.

Ever.

Gene Kelly

The door hasn't hit me on the way out....yet

I don't know what impression I have given to people.

Is it someone who has just got what she wanted and sprinted for the door?

"Hehehehe. I got mine. Later suckers."

I truly hope people don't think I am that evil. I am aiming towards a life without the TS baggage, true. Does that mean that I have forgotten all I have been through? All those who helped me?

Not a chance.

I have a remarkable workplace. I transitioned on the job and I can't think of a more supportive atmosphere. I feel I owe them for that support.

I have remarkable friends. They have stuck with me (even through the times when I am not sure I would have wanted to be seen with me). I am blessed.

I have a remarkable family. Don't even get me started on them. This would go on for hours (paragraphs? chapters?).

The point is (I say that a lot, don't I?), I owe people a lot. So, I do my activism, just in a more subtle way.

I am an invisible member of the Pride Organization at work. We are doing some fantastic things on medical coverage for transitioners. My criteria is that my name not be used - ever.

I have taken people, temporarily homeless, into my home.

I suppose my stuck-upedness has basically done one thing. My participation has gone from overt to covert. Heck, everyone doesn't have to be a poster child(1).

Right?

(1) I'll check the Transitioners Code of Ethics. It is entirely possible that everyone DOES have to be a poster child.

Two planets barely running into each other still sucks

My worlds are colliding a bit and I don't like it. (A 'bit'? If two planets collide a 'bit' then it is not a big deal?).

My social life is divided into two groups, those that know my 'function' (a term I have seen used in other blogs, I kinda like it) and those who do not.

I have been very careful to try to keep these worlds separate. At the same time, my friends are my friends. There have been cases where some friends from one world meet the friends from the other. So far there have been no light-bulb-over-the-head moments. My past remains private.

Some day, however, that moment will happen. It really is a case for 'Federal Witness Protection' stealth. But, how long can I run from that moment? What does my happiness depend on?

Stealth?

Friends?

Romance?

Nirvana?

Tasty Chocolate Treats?

Lots and lots of Money?

I suppose when I answer that, I will know. I think I need a RESET button but I don't know if I have the guts to push it.