It's Pretty Straight Forward

IF ThingsToSay IS NULL AND UnstatedOpinions = 0 THEN

DO UNTIL ThingsToSay > 0
GatherInfo(Life)
LOOP ;

END IF;

Why I gave up on support

I gave up on official support groups a long time ago.

Why? They aren't really support groups at all. At least they aren't in the SF area. In this area, the bulk of groups are flambouyant crossdressers who chastized me for not having acrylic nails that reached an inch beyond my finger tip, people who chastized me for not wearing a dress in the cold of winter, who tried to get me to wear nine pounds of makeup to go to the grocery store.

In short, there were people concerned with the charicature of appearing female. They turned transition (very rarely any of them transitioned, they were mainly crossdressers) into some kind of pissing contest (I am WAAAY more woman than you).

These were people that I was afraid to tell what city I lived in. They may show up at my employers office in a fetish nurse outfit and demand (loudly) to see me. (Don't laugh, this happened to people).

Quite frankly, I was scared. I was terrified that I was seen as they were.

I can respect their unabashedness. More power to them.

I left their meetings nearly in tears many times.

You would think that this area would have support for Transsexuals. It doesn't.

Instead, I found that I have a group of friends. We have gravitated towards each other. Probably the only time we talk about transitioning any more is when we are together. But we only talk the subjects for a short time then we simply deal with our lives - friends.

It is not a closed group. Anyone can invite someone else in. Conversations may be tailored somewhat to accomodate the sensibilities of the newbie.

People come and go.

No subject is taboo but the more important aspect is the person behind the subject.

I think that truly defines a support group - support.

I didn't go

I didn't attend Pride this weekend.

I considered it - and dismissed it.

It isn't that I am not proud. I am proud of those who have fought for our rights. I am proud that people can declare themselves without shame. I am proud I live in a country where (for now) you can be who you are.

From the SF Pride website:

Typically, in the United States , Pride commemorates the 1969 Stonewall Riots
and celebrates the birth of the modern LGBT rights movement. Locally, the
mission of the San Francisco Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Pride
Celebration Committee is to educate the world, commemorate our heritage,
celebrate our culture, and liberate our people.

What is Pride, in practice?

It's a wild party - a celebration. But it seems to me that so much of it just aims at sex.

I know - duh. No kidding.

Condoms are distributed. There are demonstrations of S&M. Muscley men in banana-hammocks dance on the float.

More power to them. It is not my scene.

I'm quiet. I'll go out dancing, sure (not very well). I've gone in the past and I have supported my friends. I'll participate. I have fun.

The first Pride I went to was 2 years ago, in Hollywood. I was meeting a friend from online and it seemed like something that would be interesting. It was comical at times, the straight man standing in the crowd pointed out people on the floats 'See, that's a guy!' At the same time not even noticing who he was standing next to. I received beads from two people that day - a nice young woman was really friendly and a man who wanted to try to hide my cleavage.

It was a fun day.

SF Pride is a mass of humanity. It is crowded, sweaty, and everyone is really nice.

There were things to see there but not enough to beat the claustrophobia of the crowds.

I won't know the score of naked men to naked women this year (2 to 50 something last year).

It's a wild party. Guess I am just boring.

What is Pride?

To me we are commemorating the beginning of a rights movement. We are remembering those who sacrificed and fought to make people do what is right.

Of that I am Proud.

Think if it as an Ink Blot with Words

I've been thinking for a bit about what people's picture of me must be through this Blog.

You may notice that I do not give a lot of identifying information here. There aren't day to day aspects of my life for the most part. Sure, I mention some events: Drama Class, Falling Down the Stairs, my High School Reunion. But for the most part, the events of my life listed here are pretty generic.

But if you read this blog, you would get the impression that all I think about is my transition, right?

Transition is a very small part of my life. The events were world changing but I don't dwell there. The majority of people in my life are unaware that a transition even took place (believe it or not).

But my friends remain my friends, I will not abandon them. I have not slipped completely into the background and gone 'stealth'.

There are a couple reasons for that. One, is my job. I am currently working on a team that is influencing company policy that, if it works, will be beneficial to thousands of transitioners over the next few years.

I believe in making things easier for the next generation. I have been thrust into a political position and I am doing everything possible to help out the next group.

Because of this, a handful of people have to know my background. I am willing to make that sacrifice for now.

The other is my 'lessons learned'. I put a lot of planning and research into my transition. It paid off and things have gone remarkably well. I want to share what I have learned with the next group - maybe I can help make things easier for them. I am using this blog as a purging mechanism, I can get the lessons out there then I won't have to worry about making sure I told someone.

Someday, when my mission at work is accomplished and everything transition related has been said - I will cease entering things here - mission accomplished.

Until then I will ramble on with the subjects that I don't talk about in my day to day life here.

Forgoing Nasal Abrasion

"Don't Rub Their Nose In It!"

When we finally screw up enough courage to tell our families of the angst of our lives up to that point, some expect instant change from their families.

I've seen the pattern of:

Disbelieving Acceptance
Challenge
Rejection
Guarded Acceptance
Acceptance

I've also seen family after family that gets stuck in the challenge or rejection phases.

Remember that this is a journey for them as well. They have to re-set their gyros, re-orient on the new data.

Catch their breath.

The subject here is Birthday cards.

Even if your family is stuck in challenge mode, I recommend still sending at least a card. A card says, 'I still choose to be related to you.' But it does not apologize for your existence. It is a tentative step towards normalizing family relations.

So, what card to send?

The stores are filled with birthday cards? From everyone to everyone. There are frilly Daughter to Father cards, sappy Sister-Brother fights-but-I-still-love-you cards, Sister's are forever cards, etc.

Take a step back.

The card should reflect your actual relationship with the person. Not the gendered relationship. Don't push the daughter/sister side of the relationship at first. Find a gender neutral card and write something in it.

Gentle is the way to go. Incremental.

If they send cards, note what they send. Eventually, they may surprise you and send the corresponding 'Sisters-are-forever' card. Hopefully the whole family will get with the program and you will hit a critical mass.

Just remember, the card reflects the relationship - it doesn't necessarily foreshadow it.

Of course in some cases there is a need for shock value. You'll know it when you get there.

Not the Draft

The community is too invisible. How can we get anything done if we all just disappear?

It is the 'I got mine' philosophy of transition; the feeling that you survived the war, finally got home, and don't want to look back.

We are stuck as the silent 'T' on GLBt, a place that we are aligned with for political expediency (yes, there is overlap between 'T' and GLB but the same could be said for Norwegians). We have many of the same goals and issues so it is better that we work together.

The community is too invisible.

How the heck do we fix that?

The dilemma is simple. Many transitioners just want to go on with their lives, anonymously, after completing transition. They don't want to draw attention to themselves and their 'function'.

Eventually, if they transitioned publicly, the notoriety will fade and they can blend back into the woodwork (transition-wise anyway).

So the problem is one of balance - a negotiation. Desire to disappear against a need for people NOT to disappear.

The basic idea is this:

A year of service.

I am not saying quit your job and start on the talk show circuit. I am not saying even try your hand at being a lobbyist.

What I am saying is that you learned lessions while transitioning. You had spots that were harder than others.

If each transitioner pledges to just make the journey a little easier for the next person to come along, then we can make huge strides.

It can be little things.

Be a mentor to someone.
Help change policy for your employer.
Participate in the political process a little more vigorously.

Just do something - ANYTHING - that will make it easier for the next person or next generation.

You don't have to sacrifice stealth. You can participate anonymously. Not everyone has to be the spokesperson.

Put in your year and then fade all you want. If you want to stick it out longer then do it. If you want to continue to fight injustices then please do.

It is just an idea but I don't think it could hurt.

Blow on the dice.....

Something needs to happen.

It won't happen on its own.

What is it? I have no idea.

I have this general feeling of restlessness. A sense of unease.

I need a change. I need a goal.

I need to build something, write something, perform, create.....SOMETHING.

Maybe I need to get a new job.

I'll figure it out.

Soon.

Borg - the Musical

Why do I want to assimilate?

Am I really trying that hard to assimilate?

What does it mean to assimilate?

Why do I want to assimilate?

I don't worry about discrimination all that much. I live in a good area, people tend to treat transitioners relatively well.

I am not TOO worried about violence.

Still, I play it safe the same as any other woman.

I am not worried about a lack of friends. Definitely NOT a problem. The problem is having time for all of them.

I want to belong.

I want to get past that initial social barrier that always exists when people know.

I want to date.

SCRREEECH!!!

What? What was that?

The transitioner is considered a running joke "Dude, that was a DUDE!". There is a stigma attached to it with most men. Why in the world would you want to do THAT?

If assimilating to a degree can get me past that initial portion of a relationship, so we can deal with issues more maturely, than I am for that.

Many who are against assimilation ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE IN THEIR LIFE. Something has to be said for that.

Am I really trying that hard to assimilate?

No. Not really.

Yes, I worked on my voice but I hardly think about it anymore (unless it is gone).

I still have friends that have transitioned (at all stages).

I have not gone into hiding.

My mannerisms are not 'affected'.

I do not announce my past to any. I reveal it to some – rarely.

What does it mean to assimilate?

It is not being homogenous.

It is not being a clone.

It is not living a caricature of a life.

Assimilation is when I can live my life as I want to (not as I feel I HAVE to).

I can interact with people. Have friends/enemies/whatevers and my biological past is not an issue. My function is known only to me – for me to reveal or not to reveal.

Assimilation allows possibilities that were denied me prior to transition.

Is assimilation lying?

I don't think so. Well...maybe some of it is.

Lies of omission? Sure.

Do I swap pronouns of my history? Yes.

Do I not use ALL of my voice? Absolutely.

But, is not using all of your voice lying? Isn't that merely censoring?

Are there words you shouldn't use around children? Is that lying?

There are tones you should not take with your employer? Isn't that just tact?

So, is refraining from using the portion of my vocal range that people would find disturbing considered lying? The incongruity of using that vocal range with my current appearance is so distinct that it would alter the persons picture of me forever. I don't think it is wrong to do it. I don't think it is lying.

Knowing that I can do something that would disturb people and not doing it is not lying, it is a form of tact.

In my opinion anyway.

Yosemite Sam - Remix (AKA OOOOUCH!!!)

I fell down the stairs this morning.

So far the first response I have been getting is DON'T DO THAT!

Well, duh.

I was meandering downstairs in bare feet. Our stairs are carpeted, my feet were dry. Apparently that made for a really low amount of friction.

SLIP!

Thud

Thud

Thud!

Scream.

Nothing broken (except a few blood vessels). My behind looks like I lost a war with a 2 by 4. I am walking slowly and carefully. Sitting is more painful than standing.

Note to self: DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!

Do It Yourself or Did It Myself (not telling you to Do It Yourself)

In no way am I encouraging others to do what I have done in self-administering hormones.

See a Doctor. Do it right.

Here was my path in Do It Yourself Hormone Administration:

It was the early 90's (it was the best of times, it was the wors....never mind).

I knew I was going to transition but I had made mistakes that got in my way. I also knew that I needed to start hormones before my 30's.

I had a job that would feel justified in punishing me for transitioning.

I got married.

Now, the job I had was an excellent experiment in over-compensation but I did enjoy aspects of it. I failed at 'being a man' there.

I married my friend. It seemed the thing I was supposed to do (regardless of the fact that I was not really attracted to women). Hope for a cure? %100. Possibility of it curing me? %0.

Back to the subject.

I started with herbals. They were legal and if I got caught then I could feign some kind of ignorance of their effects.

I took Dong Quai, Black Cohosh, Saw Palmetto, Vitex.

The results were minimal. I had some initial breast growth. I gained weight.

I belonged to some online forums (BBS's) at the time. I was scared to death of actual hormones (surely I would get caught!). But, I had done some research and figured if I kept the dosage low, I would be okay.

Someone took me to Tijuana and we went to the pharmacy.

I started on .625 mg Premarin a day and 10 mg Provera, cycled (15 day).

The Provera made me moody for a few days a month but I did see progress.

I added Nizoral (tablets, not the shampoo). The trick was that you could only take it for 4 weeks at a shot - it dehydrated the body massively. I learned that you do not take sudafed on this or my lips dried up to a nasty degree. I did a cycle of Nizoral every 4-5 months or so.

Okay, this is the really-really dangerous/stupid part. My breasts were developing but the shape was all weird. They were not 'filling out'.

(Stupid Part coming up)

I researched induced lactation. No, I did not want to lactate but instead wanted to mature my breasts by 'getting them ready to work'.

There were a couple techniques.

One involved building up hormone dosages to a massive level and then cutting them off suddenly.

Pumping, even on breasts that were not lactating. Was supposed to help.

Drug therapies.

I researched the drugs. It turns out one was Metocloperamide (not sure if I spelled that right). Side effects included possible nervous disorders, uncontrollable muscle twitches, and a bunch of other stuff.

I did that stuff two or three times. You do not combine it with Provera (progesterone dries up the milk ducts while M tried to fill them up). It seemed to work well, things rounded nicely.

I tried Estradiol for a while. It also worked well in the tiny doses I was taking. Some time in there, I started Spironolactone in small doses.

I developed a feedback method for determining dosages. The beginning stage of breast growth is 'breast buds', fibrous tissue that is directly under the nipple area. If the buds started to go away then I adjusted dosages to get them back. It was painful but productive.

I think the important thing is to not overdo things. Listen to your body. Don't expect immediate results.

By the time I got on a stable regimen that was monitored, I had developed what I have now (somewhere between a C and a D, depending on the bra).

My musculature is still changing slowly. I am still overweight. I have a large frame (common in my family even for the women - I am shaped like my Grandmother). Male Pattern body hair has all but disappeared and I have pretty good skin.

Once again I do not recommend this route. What I did was dangerous and stupid (though technically legal at the time).

Annoying Sequels

Is a youthful transition a guarantee of a seemless transition? If you transition early, will you assimilate flawlessly?

A couple thoughts on the idea.

First of all, there is the physical aspect.

Hormones and Genetics play the major part in the differentiation of sexual characteristics. Pre-puberty the line between boy and girl (aside from plumbing issues) is amazingly blurry FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF ADULTS.

Think about it. When you were a child, did you have any trouble differentiating between the sexes? The line is blurrier but the subtle cues are there.

Reach into adolescence. Still, an older observer would notice the frailty of frame existing in both male and female. But now hormones have begun their business. Bone structure changes, flesh changes shape, muscles are grown where none existed before.

At no time in life are the differences between male and female more pronounced than at the time of late puberty to early adulthood. The differences are exaggerated. The waists are skinner, the muscles musclier, breasts rounder etc.

Transitioning in the middle of all that, the time of contrasts, has GOT to be difficult.

As we age, some of the contrast goes away. Women's waists get thicker. Men develop more fat. Skin tone differences can migrate closer to a middle ground.

The key, it seems, is catching things early enough and pre-empting the initial hormone surges. At the same time, try to survive socially.

Then there is the social aspect.

There are a million little things we do to assimilate with our friends. We act like the people we hang out with - that is one of the things that creates our groups. The myriad reinforcements that our social groups make, help to shape our personality.

It is hard to catch up. I don't even know if it is possible. If we were lucky enough to be accepted in the female social circles even while in a male role, there is at least an advantage. The circumstances would have been far from perfect but at least they were close.

Puberty 2

This is the theory from my Mother. I think it has merit.

We go through two puberties. One, initial one, starts us along our path. This hits in the early teen years.

Then it stalls.

A few years later, you are struck with PUBERTY 2 (the sequel). P2 does annoying things like thicken the shoulders, build muscley-ness that even a late teen cannot match. It is an unforgiving masculinizing process. I think the trick is to catch things before P2. It is the 2nd best option but the one I think people are more likely able to go on.

So, in short, diagnose early, treat early, and be mindful of your peers.

Why did I wrote this post?

I have no idea.

Random Day at the Park

Sunday was 'family day' in our house. We all lead such hectic schedules that we try to have one day where all the roommates do something as a group.

This weekend we went to the park. It was a gorgeous day and we did what we call a 'random-picture-safari. We just go out with our cameras and shoot whatever.

We got some nice ones. But, being Anne-Centric as I am, I noticed some things about myself.

My back is scary, there are remnants of a football player that I never was.

No waist.

Hair is very long. I like the hair.

I look stoned in any picture that I see coming (I don't get stoned - never have).

Somehow (God knows) I have hips.

My chin is apparently flush with my neck (which I don't see normally but it shows up in many pics).

Heinlein Meme

Got this from Gwen Smith's blog

Somebody finally turned a piece of Heinlein into a meme-ish sorta thing. I'd considered doing a 'blog entry some time back on this, but never felt it was worthwhile. So now, I'll just steal what someone else did, and give my own darned answers.

Bold the ones you know you can do because you've done them, italicize the ones you think you could do with a reasonable amount of competence.

According to Robert A. Heinlein, a human being should be able to:

change a diaper
plan an invasion
butcher a hog
conn a ship
design a building
write a sonnet
balance accounts
build a wall
set a bone
comfort the dying
take orders
give orders
cooperate
act alone
solve equations
analyze a new problem
pitch manure
program a computer
cook a tasty meal
fight efficiently
die gallantly

So, to be efficient, I need to write a sonnet about a bone I set in a building I designed.  After which I will die somehow - gallantly.

Risk Reduction Model

I take risks, I think everyone does. Even the process of waking up in the morning is a risk, isn't it?

I had a car accident once. I had just bought a new car and I was driving it home. For some reason we pulled into a Circle-K ("Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."). A car was pulling out of a spot so I stopped the car and waited.

The car kept backing - right towards me. I honked. It continued to back up. I didn't have time to do anything else as his car destroyed my drivers side door.

The cop who arrived for the accident report said it was 50-50 (which also got him out of quite a bit of paperwork). His reason? If I hadn't been in the parking lot then I wouldn't have gotten hit.

Leave it to say, the insurance company got the money from the other driver and it all turned out okay.

Still -- back to risk.

I am careful with my heart.

Sure, I date. But I am careful. I think I have said before that I usually break things off before I get to the point of disclosure. Before I have a chance to get hurt, I remove myself from the situation.

Come to think of it, it is almost as luducrous as not leaving the house so the accident that may happen won't be considered %50 my fault.

What am I afraid of?

Legally, a transitioners position is precarious. If I got married and for some reason he wanted a divorce, he could pull out the 'T' card and 'poof' the marriage never happened.

A bad fight happens and he could throw out the 'You aren't a REAL woman.' line. His family may reject me. My life is teetering on the edge, constantly risking any challenge to my validity that the courts seem so eager to destroy.

Wow - talk about borrowing trouble! I am not even dating anyone that seriously!

I think I need to get out of the threat reduction business and just deal with living my life!

"I'm afraid your parents are fifty percent at fault for the accident as well. After all, if you hadn't been born...."

Voice (Consistency)

No, not consistency like viscous, solid, watery. I mean consistent as in constant or repeatable.

I think the hardest time I had for my voice was when I was going back and forth every day. I would use one voice at work and another when I got home.

It doesn't help.

But the part that was the hardest was when someone was used to one voice from you and you start using another.

When I first came out at work, I found my voice slipping into a register closer to what they had always heard from me. When I spoke to my family, it was near impossible to let my voice go to where it felt more natural. It was like I was trying to keep everyone comfortable around me by not changing all that much but the only thing I succeeded in doing was making everything much more uncomfortable.

The last time I spoke to my ex was the first time I didn't change my voice on the phone during our conversation.

They need time to get used to you - granted. But at some point you have to cross that line (if you are going to at all). At some point decide and then rip off the bandaid and don't go back.

Repetition breeds familiarity.

Practice makes permanent.

(searching for another cliche for rhythmic balance of this post. Oh well, I suppose I will just pick one.)

Be the ball.

Arrogant Index of Posts

This post is another in my list of 'How-To' pontifications in how to transition.

First, the background posts. I thought it would be good if I got my egotistical lists of advice together in one place.

I haven't checked them over, I am probably contradicting myself a lot in these.

So you have decided to transition?

Generic Advice for the Beginning Transitioner

Support Network

Sequence of Events

Names and Pronouns

Changing Names

Dude, is not an insult

Coming Out

TIVO

Stealth

Voice

Timbre

It's all an Accent

Misgendered

Transition on the Job

Part 1 - Sneaking around smartly

Part 2 - Prelude to Disclosure Day

Part 3 - Disclosure Day

Surreptitious Book Recommendation - "Friday"

I read.

A lot.

My preference is towards Science Fiction, which I believe is for several reasons.

1. It was how I was brought up. My parents (yes, both of them) read
Science Fiction. I remember being forced to read Dune when I was about 9
("Just get through the first half. You'll appreciate it!"). My
Mother got me started on Marion Zimmer-Bradley and Anne McCaffrey early
on. My Father introduced me to Heinlein, Niven, Burroughs, and a host of
others.

They didn't care what we read as long as we were reading
something. Comic Books were a family activity.

2. Science Fiction and Fantasy were a way to fix things. They
presented hope that I could somehow have a body and mind that were matched up –
someday. You can get hooked on a feeling of hope. That is why I
still read the stuff today.

3. Escapism – pure and simple.

To this day, whenever I fly, I take along a few magazines and what I always refer to as my 'tacky science fiction' book. I may get looks because of it – I don't care. I am not reading to impress people. I am reading for myself.

All of which brings me to a point (you thought I gave up on those, didn't ya?)

There are books that represent the issues associated with transitioning without anyone transitioning in them. There is not much to do with gender in the story at all. But they portray the issues in a way that can get people to a point of understanding.

If you hand someone a book like Trans-Sister Radio, people attach an agenda to it. They go into it with bias. Their guard is up and they are not open to any change in their perspective.

Every once in a while, I am going to mention a book. It may be old; it may be new. It may even just be a magazine article. Hopefully, it will give people a way to explain the transitioners plight without engaging their shields.

Anyway, here is my first:

Surreptitious Book Recommendation

Friday – Robert A. Heinlein

Friday Jones is a beautiful, deadly, pragmatic, genius, deadly international courier. She works for a shadow organization for a man she knows only as 'Boss'.

She is also what is known as an Artificial Person. Her genome was artificially compiled. In her own words:

'My Mother was a test tube and my Father was a knife.'

She lives in a world filled with fear of her kind. She lives her life hiding her origin from a world that wants to relegate her to the status of a toaster. She is a non-person.

It is a story of betrayal, rejection, self-loathing, acceptance and realization.

A transitioner will see the parallels right away. For others it may help plant the seed of acceptance.

Anyway, check it out.

Stubbiness

I suffer from stubbiness.

I am a tall woman with short legs. My height is in my torso. Most shirts *cringe* have a tendency to enter crop-top range. That would be okay if I were even 10 years younger and MUCH thinner.....ah, to have a dream.

The shirt issue aside, this post is about stubbiness.

One of my basic theories is that the proportion of hip-width to leg length is crucial to a good aesthetic balance. If your leg length is too short, it makes you look stockier (which in my opinion is not good).

I am 5' 11", which is considered tall (but it could be worse). Pants for Talls are too long and Pants for...well....non-Talls are too short.

I have a solution but it is counter-intuitive. Short of having everything I wear tailored it is the only thing that I could come up with.

I wear heels.

Not tall ones. Not stilletos. I keep the height to around 2 inches (maybe 2 1/2). In the Winter, my standard is ankle boots and, in the Summer, wedges or any of a bunch of other kinds of shoes. All of what I wear is comfortable to wear for many hours at a time (I won't be running marathons in them, but I also just won't be running marathons).

It seems to work.

So ends my 30 seconds of fashion-babble.

...will get you a cup of coffee

What could I have purchased with the money I spent on transition?

Let's just deal with some basic physical items. I ballparked the figures:

FFS - $20,000
SRS - $17,000
Labiaplasty - $4,000
Laser - $6,000
Hormones - $3,000 (completely guessing on that one)
Shrink - $3,000

So, basically, about 43 grand.

That equals:

A really nice car (or two average ones)
Downpayment on a house.
TONS of ice cream.
A small business.
A college education (by today's standards - I already have a degree)
Corner the market on Ho-Ho's.
Half a ticket into space (does that mean they have to leave me there?)

Sure, I could have those things but I think what I got is better.

The bizarre magic of childhood

I don't know why this popped back into my head but I thought it was interesting.

I believe in magic - I always have.

When I was very young, after my parents had emphatically stressed to me that I was a BOY, I had figured out how to fix things.

Magic isn't easy. The smallest thing can break the spell. I knew the magic that would free my true form and life was difficult, yet every night I tried.

How old was I? I think I knew the spell when I was 6 or 7, after I realized the nightly prayers weren't quite cutting it.

The essence was simple, the execution difficult.

When I went to sleep, I would simply forget that I was trapped as a boy. I would forget the anatomical differences as I understood them. I would forget the social role being foisted on me. As long as I didn't think about it for a whole day, the curse would be broken and I would finally be back in my real life.

I believed that for years. But it was impossible for me. I would think about the curse being lifted and my spell was broken. Someone (anyone) would talk to me and the spell was broken.

Still, wouldn't it be cool if it would have worked? Maybe it does work and we just don't know it. Maybe thousands succeed every year but our reality is reshaped by the lifting of their curse and we never knew.

Maybe I just wasn't good enough at the spell.

Oh well, leave it to me to do things the hard way.

Standard Answers (shifting with time)

I've been reminiscing on when I first started full time.

I was a bit more open. I made some mistakes (liberal use of the 'voice trick').

I had an email conversation with a girl I went to school with. Instead of waiting for her questions, I sent a list of standard answers. I thought it was funny at the time. I cringe a little at it now.

1. In about a year
2. We are still friends
3. All me, totally real.
3a. A REALLY tight sports bra.
4. LOTS of hair gel.
5. Guys, but this hasn't been tested....yet. (usually this is question 1)
6. It sounds something like (drops voice an octave or so) THIS.
7. Of course I would say something.
8. All my life. I tried and tried but couldn't do it anymore.
9. Women are in the service too. Why would I hide it?

I'm looking back at this list and I think I may have been TOO open and a little too glib. Also, I see exactly where I was in transition by the subject matter. I was concerned mainly with comparing new to old, what people knew to who I truly was.

Today, the answers would be different.

1. You want me to describe WHAT to you?
2. Haven't spoken in about two years.
3. (This is a good place for the 'What are you asking?' look)
4. No answer needed.
5. Men, absolutely.
6. It was much lower and no, I don't demonstrate anymore. This is my voice.
7. Of course I would say something.
8. All my life. I tried and tried but couldn't do it anymore.
9. Women are in the service too. However, guys cool off quite a bit when they know. So I don't volunteer the info.

Is it Selfish?

Is it selfish to transition?

I think that is one of the most biting accusations people make regarding transitioning.

"You are being selfish."

"You have no idea what you are doing to ME!"

So, what is the answer?

Selfish adj. - Concerned chiefly or only with oneself.

I'll get into the spousal side of things in a moment, first, let's deal with family and friends.

What are you really doing TO them? How will this effect their life? More to the point, what do they THINK it will do to their lives?

1. Embarrassment - They have seen Jerry Springer. Because they are associated with you then THEY are those people on Jerry Springer. Everyone will stare at them because they are associated with you.

2. Shame - As far as being parents THEY did something wrong to make you this way. Everyone will look down on them because they didn't know how to parent.

3. Ostracized - People will reject them for being associated with you.

4. Fear - Obviously you are crazy. Are you safe to have in the neighborhood? Are you safe around the child relatives? ARE YOU CONTAGIOUS?

5. Hate Crime - Because they are associated with you, will their house be burned down?

6. Loss of their loved one - This one is big. They have invested their lives in you and you are essentially killing the person you were. How can they forgive the person who killed their child/sibling/friend.

7. Your Eternal Soul - It says you are going to hell for this in the Bible somewhere. I KNOW it does...somewhere....right?

8. Financial Burden - Who in their right mind would hire you? You'll end up wanting to live in their basement - forever.

9. You'll be alone - Who would be interested in someone like that?

10. What about grandchildren?

So the basic categories are:

• You'll hurt my social standing.
• You'll hurt my finances.
• You are hurting my child.
• Fear of violence.

In order to be a selfish thing then you have to get something out of it at the expense of others.

So, let's see what you'll get.

Relative Mind/Body congruity.
Employment Instability.
Immense Medical Bills.
Happier personality (hopefully)
Possible Social Ostracizing.

So, as you see, some of their fears are rational. But the question remains, is the whole deal selfish?

If the 'others' are primarily concerned with their own social standing then who is being selfish?

"Don't treat yourself for this."

If the 'others' are primarily concerned with your well being, then that is something that needs to be dealt with. Concerns for your safety and the safety of those around you can be analyzed and can be handled. You can show them that you won't be alone/ostracized/unemployed. You can take that argument away.

In the end it comes down to their social comfort vs. the resolution of your internal conflicts.

Which side is the selfish one?

(I'll post this incomplete - I do want to deal with spouse/children issues but this post is getting cumbersome).